Bagged Fibbing Friday

Here we go then, with Pensitivity101’s mixed bag from last week……….

  1. What is boisterous?

That’s a group of young males having fun.  They can be loud.  They often shout and yell.  It’s the opposite of gurlsterous, where young females play together.  They screech and squeal in such high tones that neighbourhood dogs have their paws over their ears.

2. What is a womaniser?

That is Cerberus, the modern, three-headed Hellhound consisting of Woke society, and Presentism, aided and abetted by years of eating and drinking food from plastic containers, which leech out pseudo-estrogen, all contributing to Real Men becoming simpering wimps.

3. What is a faux pas?

It’s the front foot of the quick, red vulpine animal that jumped over the lazy, brown dog, which the nobility chase with horses – the unspeakable, pursuing the inedible.

4. Define plumber

A crack addict.

5. What is a sous-chef?

(S)He is a high-class victuals preparation expert, who does so using copious amounts of wine and various liqueurs.  Sometimes, they even put some in the food.

6. What is antisocial?

She is my Father’s younger sister, after she’s imbibed 5 or 6 Medicinal toddies.’

7. Why did they call the wind Maria?

How do you solve a problem named Maria?  I thought they called the wind Mariah, but what do I know about music??  I can’t Carey a tune in a bucket.

8. Where would you find a kettle drum?

Underneath the big corn popper at the movie theater, or county fair.

9. What is a kango drill?

It is an Australian Military Band marching maneuver.

10. What makes bread rise?

Inflation!  😳  And petrol, and rent, and….

First And Ten Fibbing Friday

Here I go with Pensitivity101’s first ten (in the second week) of 2023:

1. Aurora Borealis is also known as

Ashley Carbonera, but only by people who knew her before she became a famous porn star.

  1. Who was Farouk Balsara?

He was a Syrian refugee who sneaked into the UK by floating across the English Channel on a raft he built, using plans he got off the internet from some Colombian who floated into the USA.

  1. Chasing Cars is by which group?

The Stray Dogs, before they changed the name of the group to The Stray Cats.

  1. What is Detritus?

That was Baskin & Robbins 32th flavor of ice cream.

  1. Eggplant is also known as

The colour of Elton John’s favorite pair of shoes.

  1. Who is Filbert Fox?

He is/was the best friend of Gilbert Grape, in the movie adaptation of his life story.

  1. Gentoo is a what?

The family who run my local “Curry In A Hurry” outlet.  😳  I stop there every time after my mandatory sensitivity training sessions.

  1. Rutabaga is also called

A Swede, by many Brits, until Sweden found out about it, and threatened to stop exporting Volvos, Saabs, and replacement mobile phone parts to England, unless it stops.  The Scots also have a derogatory term for Swedes, but no-one can understand what they’re saying, so the Swedes just assume they’re drunk – as usual.

  1. What is IPlayer?

He’s the thoroughly-modern male who relies on his electronics to get lucky in love.  He has swiped right so many times, the notches on his bedpost are threatening to collapse it in mid-tryst.  Ooh, kinky!

  1. Jambo is a greeting in which language?

India Elephant – in African elephant, it’s Tantor.

’22 A To Z Challenge – U

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What word or phrase – beginning with the letter U – will I choose as a theme, this time?

As the singer, Tom Jones says, It’s Not Unusual.  But then, can you really trust a man who was willing to lop off his last name, to take advantage of a movie presentation of an old, smutty novel, to help kick-start his career??  😕

Words in the dictionary, beginning with the letters X, Y, or Z, are not terribly plentiful.  Words beginning with U, seem a bit more abundant – until you realize that most of them are un-something – the negatives of a bunch of positive words.

I am willing – I positively revel – to be G.O.D. – the Grumpy Old Dude blogger, grumbling about this and that.  But I don’t want the entire, overarching theme of my website, to be negative.  I don’t mind bitching about certain foibles of society, but overall, I want it to be

UPBEAT

A musical term which has come to mean; optimistic, cheerful, happy

I am positive that Donald Trump, and many other politicians, are total, and complete ASSHOLES!  Perhaps we should try to choose political leaders who are UN-assholes….  Are there any??!  😳  Maybe we could issue a UKASEedict, order, directive, ruling, decree, fiat, proclamation, that no assholes are allowed.  Now that would be positive!

On my way out, I’d like to introduce you to my new, non-sequitur pet, an

URUBU

A Portuguese, vulture-like turkey buzzard.  Handsome little devil, isn’t he??!  😉

Fishing For One-Liners

I’m not a catch….
….I’m a catch and release.

Give me ambiguity, or….
….give me something else.

I was a real dude before I got married….
….Now I’m subdued.

I was attacked by a herd of cows….
….I’m okay.  I was just grazed.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork….
….Think I nailed it.

Smile….
….It irritates the Hell out of people who want to destroy you.

Zombies….
….hate fast food.

You look like….
….I need another drink.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?….
….Yeah, me neither.

By the time I get used to how old I am….
….I’m ten years older than that.

Do I put down my age in Earth years….
….or joint pain?

I’m not saying I’m old, but….
….I just had to increase my font size to “Billboard.”

Three Senators walked into a bar….
….and nothing happened.  Ever!

Retirement….
….The staycation to end all staycations.

People who know the least….
….always seem to know it the loudest.

Give me coffee to change the things I can….
….and wine to accept those that I can’t.

Don’t play poker with an origami expert….
….All they do is fold.

Nowadays, the problem with letting myself go….
….is getting myself back.

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

Never stop being a good person….
….because of bad people.

I hate peer pressure….
….and so should you.

If I was music….
….I’d be a single.

I’m havin’ a crappy day….
….Please send cute pics of your credit card.

It’s amazing how different booty calling….
….and butt dialing are.

***

I just read on MSNBC that actor, Jeremy Renner had been seriously injured in a snowplough accident.  Thousands of Americans are now confused.  What the Hell is a snowplug, and how do you get hurt by one??  PLOUGH??!  On MSNBC??!  Who do they think they are?  The BBC?  😕

Eight Teen Fibbing Fridays

Every time I publish one of these, Pensitivity101 emails me a calendar.  Ever since that Mayan one didn’t work, I don’t really care anymore.  Procrastination is the only project that I’ve ever started on time.  And now, without further adieu, here’s another friggin’ Fibbing Friday list.

1.What kind of dog was Lassie?

Lassie was a boy dog with a girl’s name.  Because of that, he was a lightning-rod for, and the local distributor of, bad luck and karma.  Timmy got lost in the woods??  Lassie was there.  Timmy fell down a well??  Lassie was there.  Timmy was trapped in a burning barn??  Lassie was there!  I’d have traded him in for a hedgehog, or at least got his name legally changed.

2. Who was Toto’s owner?

He was the mascot for the band, Kansas.  He was even smart enough to play drums for them for a while, but he lost his edge, and started dogging it, and they had to let him go.  They said, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

3. What breed of dog was Beethoven?

He was a Dutch Chocolate Labrador Retriever.  He had a minor role in the movie, Amadeus.  He played a harpsichord – but it took a lot of prosthetics and makeup.

4. Who was Goofy’s best buddy?

I was, for a while.  We were both in that Dumb And Dumber movie together, but the string on our tin-can telephone broke, and he never calls me anymore.

5. How many dogs starred in The Incredible Journey?

None!  They both think that they were stars, but it was really the cat that made the movie.  Without his wise guidance, Arf and Woof would still be wandering around, looking for a fire hydrant.  Focus guys!  Focus!

6. What made Superdog super?

He ate some chili con carne that Walter White made up, on the TV series, Breaking Bad, the day of “the incident.  Between the hot peppers and the meth, ANYTHING was possible – higher, faster, longer.

7. What is meant by Dogma?

That is narrow-minded, non-critical-thinking claims made by religious fundagelicals.  My Karma ran over their Dogma.

8. What is ‘flyball’?

That’s the mess of insects that you accumulate when you hang sticky insect strips in the cheap two-week vacation cottage that you rent.

9. Who introduced ‘WALKIES!’ into their training programmes?

The now-ex-pitching coach of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.  The strike zone is 17 inches wide, and about two feet high.  Would it be too much to ask, to get the guys to put the ball through that, once in a while??  They were giving so many opponents a base on balls, that it looked like the world’s slowest conga line.

10. What is frontline used for?

That’s a product also known as Invisible Fence.  It’s a cable that you bury at the edge of your property, which emits a radio signal.  You put a collar on your dog with a receiver.  If he/she gets too close, they get tasered behind the ear.  Now, if I could just slip a couple of those on that Jehovah’s Witness pair who keep waking my dogs and me on Saturday mornings….

A Fibbing Friday With Connections

Pensitivity101’s theme was song connections this past week.  As usual, I’m a week late, and a joke short.

1. Who recorded Mouldy Old Dough?

It was a lament by Scrooge McDuck, until he managed to get his money vault climate controlled, and the deterioration stopped.  In today’s electronic banking age, all his little digital ones and zeros are spiffy clean and shiny.

  1. What colour icing was on the cake in MacArthur Park?

If it was in MacArthur Park, it would have been tartan.  It slid sideways in the picnic basket, and touched some of the other food.  That’s how we got Green Eggs and Ham.

3. Who sang they were made out of Gingerbread?

Whoever they were, they were likely British of some flavour.  North Americans are so addicted to sugar that we put it in our breads.  USA Americans purchase so much sweet pastries that they can’t even spell Krispy Kreme correctly.  Canadians are a bit better, but our national coffee shop chain, Tim Horton’s, singlehandedly supports the honey industry.

4. Who sang Tutti Frutti?

The 1910 Fruitgum Company??

5. Who recorded Green Onions?

Booker T (Jones) and the M.G. – which stands/stood for Memphis Group.  The hypercorrect incorrect lie was that it was MGs, and referred to hot-damned MG cars, because it was released at the peak of surfer/hot-rod rock.

6. Who had a boy lollipop?

A lot of people!  The girl lollipops don’t have that long stick.  Just think what you’ve been grasping, all these years.

7. What is a Tangerine Dream?

That’s the witness protection alias of a Dutch international banking and financial institution.  They came to North America as ING, and confused lots of people.  (That’s a low bar to clear)  Folks wondered, Are they lyING?  Are they borING?  Are they gougING? So they became ING Direct.  The fog only became thicker, so they suddenly became Tangerine, and the confusion all cleared up.

8. Sugar Sugar or Honey Honey?

Yes please!  But on alternate mornings.  My incipient diabetes can only take so much.

9. Who sang Sugar Pie Honey Bunch?

Kellogg’s Cereals, and Post Cereals, did for years, until consumer protection groups and pediatric nutrition organizations forced them to reformulate their breakfast foods out of psyllium fiber and bran powder, making the boxes more appetizing and nutritious.

10. Do you need Hot Butter for Popcorn?

Not always.  Sometimes I like mine sprinkled with Tex-Mex flavor powder, but only if it’s prepared by the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.

Addicted To One-Liners

Extra!  Extra!  Getcher bonus edition of jokes here!

I’m addicted to seaweed….
….I must seek kelp.

I love the idea of shutting up….
….I just don’t think it’s for me.

Always give 100%….
….unless you’re donating blood.

Just baked a synonym bun….
….just like the ones grammar used to bake.

Want to hear a joke?  Sleep….
….Yeah, I don’t get it either.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle….
….I guess they were having an AA-meeting.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction….
….My money’s on Dave.

My struggle with steroid addiction….
….has only made me stronger.

My friend told me he was worried about his guitar playing addiction…
….I told him to calm down and not to fret.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants….
….Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.

I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years….
….I keep telling people I’m trying to quit cold turkey, but nobody is taking me seriously.

If your phone doesn’t ring….
….it’s me.

No-one is more full of shit….
….than a parent who just said maybe.

In the insomnia Olympics….
….you snooze – you lose.

Monday is the beginning of Diarrhea-Awareness Week….
….It runs till Friday.

My wife claimed that 40 is the new 30….
….Lovely woman….banned from driving.

Iron Man stops the bad guys….
….Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

I sent my hearing aids out for repair three weeks ago….
….I haven’t heard anything since.

A yawn is….
….a silent scream for coffee

I never faked….
….a sarcasm in my life.

’22 A To Z Challenge – P

You dirty, rotten, stinkin’ Polecat, expectin’ me to come up with a theme for the letter P on short notice.  (Notice that I wasted three weeks of lead-time??!)  There I was, contentedly looking up the meaning of ‘lollygagging,’ – idling, loafing, slacking off – goldbricking – American slang = shirking responsibility, when Matilda the Muse pointed out that Monday deadline was bearing down on me.  She’s often overbearing.

I always want to provide food for thought, so I thought that I would provide a post about providing food.  Ready or not – here comes

PROVENDER

any dry feed or fodder for domestic livestock
food in general

The NEW COVID-inspired, grocery-store concept of ‘We shop for you, and deliver it’ isn’t new at all.  The vocal group Home Free recently released a compilation of sea-shanties, a couple of which refer to whale-hunting around Australia, in the mid/late 1800s.

One song mentions
Soon may the Wellerman come
To bring us sugar and tea and rum

A ‘Wellerman’ was a captain who worked for two brothers named Weller.  They had five supply ships that serviced the whaling fleet.  They would sail out, and haul back the processed products – rendered oil, blubber, salted whale-meat, baleen ivory, and ambergris.  In return, they would bring out supplies, so that the whalers could remain at sea for weeks and months.

Neither is my concept of an ideal job.  I complain about computer elbow.  There’s no mention of crazy Captain Ahab, and his white whale obsession.  He hung out in the Atlantic off the coast of Messyshoes….Massawhositz….Maine, but couldn’t get a good therapist delivered.  I thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.  😉

Lyrical Fibbing Friday

This That week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know who could have written these 5 books or sung these 5 songs?

  1. From Here to Eternity.

It’s a publication found in any government bureaucratic service (Hah!) department, like the DMV.  By the time you read your way completely through it, you might be able to see the front of the line.
2. The Glass Mountain.

I. M. Pei, and he should be ashamed of himself. Going to the Louvre now is like going to hear a Bach concerto, and having AC/DC as the opening act.
3. The Shining.

The scullery maid in Downton Abbey, always busy polishing the silver – knives, forks, spoons, serving trays, teapots, candlesticks – it’s a never-ending job.
4. Little Women.

It is a communally-written biography by all 17 Kardashian mother and daughters.  It is regarded as high satire – by everyone except them.
An embarrassment of riches
Too much of a good thing
“O, wad  some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.”

  1. Pride and Prejudice.

Donald Trump, with a preface from Vladimir Putin

  1. I want it all

Mark Zuckerberg
7. Bat out of Hell

The local idiot who just got caught by the police, doing three times the speed limit, coming into the city.  Police claim that he was doing 200 Kmh in a 50 Kmh zone.  His defense was that he was only doing 150.  His car was impounded for 14 days.  He summarily lost his driving license for 30 days.  His court case may cost him $1000s in fines, and a further year’s suspension.  Aside from risking his life, and everyone else on the roads, he lends unwelcome justification to the Go Slow – Be Safe, do-gooder crowd.

They’ve already profaned innumerable city streets with speed bumps, chicanes, plastic Slow Down stakes in the middle of already narrow residential roads, rows of them stealing car lanes for bicyclists, rarer than blue moons.  They want to reduce the city speed limit from 50 Kmh to 40, the limit in school zones from 40 Kmh to 30, and now there’s a vocal group campaigning for, “Twenty Is Plenty.”  This will be the reason I’m late for my own funeral.
8. Space Oddity

The guy who started building his own house by erecting this frame.
9. Help!

That would be me, loudly and (not so) proudly, any given day that I’m blogging.  The Luddite support group called up to revoke my membership.  If it’s anything more complex than putting one word behind another, or sticking a picture in a post to demonstrate what my prose leaves murky, I am thankful that the wife took advantage of a government program to learn seven different computer programs.  She can make this PC sit up and beg for RAM.
10. For Your Eyes Only.

That shining scullery maid above, lied.  She does have a bit of free time, and she often spends it with the studly stable-boy.  She’s been known to drop her pinafore and let him curry her withers a bit.  Not wanting to be thought, “loose,” she assures him that the nicely rounded view is, For Your Eyes Only.  A new Papal decree says that priests and nuns can neck a little, they just can’t get into the habit.

Size X And A Half Fibbing Friday

I came ashore in a small boat, in the dead of night, like a French cigarette smuggler.  I sneaked through Pensitivity101’s back garden, jimmied the French doors of her study, and stole liberated another list of opportunities to lie and get away with it.

  1. What did Miss Muffet sit on?

The O. J. Simpson criminal trial jury.
2. Who tried to gatecrash her dinner?

Meat Loaf, but when he found that there was no actual meatloaf, only some weird, vegan, ‘curds and whey’ crap, he shouted, “But I won’t do that!” and musical history was made.
3. What did Wee Willie Winkie do?

We’re not really sure.  He was a Juvenile offender at the time, so his records were sealed, but he’s still on the Sex offender registry.
4. How many blackbirds were baked in a pie?

Statements from ‘witnesses’ vary, anywhere from one, to like a gajillion, man.  Pass the Doritos, and don’t Bogart that blunt.  Official reports indicate that they all got baked just outside the Marijuana dispensary, and never made it to the pie.
5. Who sold sea shells on the sea shore?

The same guy who sold refrigerators to Eskimos.
6. What did Peter Piper pick?

All the correct numbers for a $14 million Lotto win.  Immediately after receiving his winnings, he and his girlfriend were in the wind.  His wife is still trying to locate him for child support.
7. What ran up the clock?

Manchester United Football Club.  Ahead, one to nil, with three minutes left in the game, they got possession of the soccer ball, and almost scuffed the cover off it, playing iron-clad defense, taking no chance that an opposing player might get an expensive boot on it.
8. What was daddy going to wrap Baby Bunting in?

Alternating pink and blue ribbons, along with a carefully measured quantity of colored photographic flash-powder, for a gender reveal party – until his wife discovered his plans.  She lovingly said to him, “Are you f**king INSANE?  Aside from endangering our child – the last idiot who did something like this, burned down half of California.  Go sit quietly over there with a beer, and let the women safely and sanely handle this.”
9. Where did Doctor Foster go?

I think it was to jail, but I haven’t had a chance to watch the entire BBC-TV series yet.

  1. What was the old man doing when it was pouring with rain?

Buying Morton’s salt.

Th..th..th.. That’s all the prevarication for now, folks.  I’ve already stretched the truth more than the waistband of my track pants.