Fibbing Friday Babes

 

Last week Pensitivity101’s theme was Out of the Mouths of Babes.

You might be familiar with them, but if you didn’t know what they were, what are your thoughts?

1. What is a Moo Moo?

It is a billowing, figure-concealing, caftan-like dress worn by women who get married, and don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention any more.

2. What is a Bow Wow?

That’s when an amply-endowed female performer with a low-cut top takes a curtain call.

3. What is a Gee Gee?

She’s the younger sister of the Bee Gees.

4. What is a Botty Cough?

The wife said that she’d been sitting, knitting, in her chair so long that her ass fell asleep.  I said, “I know.  I heard it snore three times.”

5. What is a Chookie Egg?

There are two kinds of people
1: Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data

This is an IKEA joke.  Some self-assembly is required, or it falls flat.

6. What is a Choo Choo?

Oh, that’s right!  You haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  People who don’t watch closely think that I absorb the food through osmosis.

7. What is a Tick Tock?

Someone once said that rap music was so that Negroes with otherwise no talent, could make outrageous amounts of money.  Tick-Tock is its recent technological successor.  People with otherwise no intelligence – who make the Kardashians look smart and talented – post short videos of things that they do, on the internet.  They would give their soul – if they had one – for a handful of likes and follows.

8. What is a Paw Paw?

An adopted child – with two dads.  Don’t ask.  Don’t tell.

9. What is a Heffalump?

Dat vas me, ven ein told mein doktar, “I heffalump on mein arm, und it hurts to salute.”  She told me to stay oudt of those places….  No, vait – das vas eine different joken.”

10. What are Jammies?

They were the five friends I hung out with in high school, who decided to form a band, (Two of them had never touched an instrument.) because The Beatles did, and made a skillion dollars, and five guys from the next town did, and got a few gigs at a cheap dance hall.  Someone once asked me what I played, and I replied, “The radio.”

Pop-Up Fibbing Friday

Last week we had questions that just popped into Pensitivity101’s head for our perusal.

1.   Why are Easter Eggs made of chocolate?

So that the economy of Switzerland doesn’t collapse.

2.   What is a fib?

It is one of two bones between the knee, and the ankle – no lie.

3.   Where will you find a cog?

At a meeting of The Illuminati.

4.   What is a preface?

That’s the pleasant image that the entitled, Woke, suck-up bitch in Accounting presents to the General Manager, not the Gorgon visage and personality that she inflicts on the rest of the staff when he’s not watching.  Her name isn’t Janice.  It’s Janus.  😮

5.   Can an elephant make a trunk call?

I don’t know.  What does an elephant call his trunk??  Is this like immature would-be macho-wannabes, who have pet names for their Hammond organ?

6.   What is a trinket?

That’s a guy who is learning to play the ukulele.

7.   What is hearsay?

The beginning of a drunken discussion at the pub on Sci-Fi Trivia night.
Hear say Dr. Who met Q from the Star Trek TNG continuum.  Who would win??
The landlord!  Another coupla pints, my good man.

8.   How many shades of grey are there?

In any squabble discussion with the wife, there’s always one more than my argument makes allowance for.

9.   What is a bunion?

It’s the fancy, pretentious, expensive, organic root vegetable that Gordon Ramsay puts a slice of, on his 300 Pound, quarter-pound burger.

10. What is ylang ylang?

That’s the silly, bell-ringing noise that British ambulances make.  It sounds more like a teacher calling students in after recess, than a good, solid, American get-out-of-the-way siren.

Alphabetic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 said that it was time for an A B C.
Definitions for these words please (but your responses can start with any letter):

1. Abomasum

I just didn’t have the stomach to dream up a silly definition for this word.  It’s not like I’m some dumb cow, just delivering on demand.

2. Absquatulate

That’s the workout procedure that the wife is trying to get me to do.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  ”Overweight” is what hangs past my belt.

3. Amphisbaena

This is a child’s – and sometimes adults’ – unreasonable aversion to taking a bath.

4. Antimacassar

Composed mostly of wives who are not allowed to accompany their husbands to the pub, this is an action group which is trying to prevent Scottish men from making drunken fools of themselves.  😮  As if!  Might as well try to legislate that the sky is green.

5. Atingle

The wife claims that I’m not a very good DIY electrician.  Well, she’s in for a shock.

6. Bailiwick

Bailiwick is the brand name of the pail-sized citronella candles that Canadian campers use to ward of backwoods mosquitoes that are big enough to molest seagulls.

7. Bafflegab

Any of Donald Trump’s speeches or Tweets.  (Do we call them Xs now??)  Comprestand??!  Covfefe!  😮

8. Calliope

This is a stew from Kenya, which the wife discovered the recipe for. It’s delicious, but a little difficult to get the gnu meat for.

9. Cornucopia

That’s the college that the wife’s podiatrist went to.

10. Cryptozoology

This is the modern collection of the strange and weird, NFT, digital, online creatures.  You have to pay with Bitcoin, to be allowed to view them.

***

So, what are you doing for Easter??

Oh, just hangin’ around.

Musical Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to enjoy a musical interlude, but what alternatives can you come up with for these?

1. What is a French horn?

It’s a warning device found on every automobile driven in Montréal.  The brakes dey don’t work, eh?  Fix de horn.  Four well-marked lanes for traffic on one-way streets, and the traffic is five cars wide, driving them.  😮

2. What is a cornet?

It’s the cone that the Frogs French-Canadian Montréal drivers put ice-dream in, after a hard day of Demolition Derby on the streets.

3. What is a clarinet?

It is a free hair-management device that is included with some bottles of a certain women’s shampoo.  The wife has 8 or 10 bottles of different products.  It’s almost difficult to get into the shower.  She has shampoo, pre-shampoo, stripper, conditioner, shampoo with conditioner, straightener…. Etc. etc. etc.!  I have one bottle, of shampoo…. Actually, the label just says, Hair Cleaner.

4. What is a snare drum?

I set a wire trap to catch the neighbour’s cat which shits in the flower garden, directly under my front window.  I added a little noise-maker to announce when it was successful.

5. What is a viola?

New ‘Plastic’ bill version

She was Viola Desmond, Canada’s “Rosa Parks,” who brought racial integration to a Nova Scotia movie theater in 1946.

6. What is a double bass?

That’s when you catch two large fish in the same afternoon.

7. What is the difference between a Concert, Upright or Grand?

These are the differences among the many husband-improvement lectures that the wife provides, and depend on the level of my perceived sin, and whether her arthritis is flaring.  Some are long and lyrical.  Some are firm and clear, and then there’s the occasional five-act opera that ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and sings – AND SINGS!

8. What is campanology?

It is the information contained in a how-to booklet, which tells you how to erect a tent, and get a fire started.

9. What is a trombone?

Is what a guy gets, if he takes two Viagra pills.

10. What is are timpani?

This is the medical term for eardrums.  I called the tinnitus hotline…. But it just kept ringing and ringing….

’23 A To Z Challenge – V

TECHNOLOGICAL OBSOLESCENCE

It’s a term to describe systems or ways of doing something that have changed significantly within living memory.

For centuries – millennia – change and progress inched forward.  Then, about 150 years ago, knowledge reached a critical mass, and technology soared.  Things like the telephone and the gramophone made it possible to store and conduct sound.  The telephone was electrical, while the gramophone started out as strictly mechanical.

A crank wound up a spring which ran a clockwork motor.  A needle at the end of an arm ran in a rotating, serrated groove.  The first examples were actually cylindrical.  Only later did flat discs become standard.  The sound was conducted up the arm, into a horn and out, to be heard by avid listeners.  Like some YouTube shorts, the sound level varied.  Some ‘records’ had deeper grooves, and the sound level could blast a small room.  Pieces of cloth were sometimes stuffed into the horn as a damper – a mute.  This is where the phrase, “Put a sock in it!” originated.  The best, and the best-known, brand of gramophone was the

VICTROLA

The Victor Talking Machine Company was an American recording company and phonograph manufacturer, incorporated in 1901. The company operated independently until it was purchased by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) in 1929 and subsequently operated as the RCA Victor Division of the Radio Corporation of America.

Sound reproduction has gone from mechanical, to electric, to electronic, to digital.  We have come so far.  I wonder how much, and how soon, the future will change and improve it – neural??  We already have Smart Glasses, which transmit sound from the arms, into the bones near your ears.

Veni, Vidi, Victrola

Festivus Fibbing Friday

Festive Fun this week…. last week….next week…. or not.
Classic Christmas hits, but can you suggest for Pensitivity101, alternative artists for them?

1. Wherever you are

Mellow-toned ChatGPT, who has taken over from Ethel Snitfit, as the voice of my GPS/SatNav.  Ethel got us lost a few times.  Chat sounds great, but he don’t even know what continent he’s on.

2. Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree

A great cover has been released by the Alzheimer’s Chorus, down at the old folks’ home St. Andrew’s Terrace Retirement Village.  The high note was hit when the Support Animal cat got her tail caught under a chair.

3. That’s my Goal

This is a roundelay being done by select members of Man U (R a wimp), and Arseholes Arsenal.  Since they were already performing drama, by throwing themselves on the ground, and writhing like they’d been struck by a sniper’s bullet, they felt that they could make it a real soap opera by singing to the ref.

4. Mistletoe and Wine

I got my Bah, Humbug on, and recorded a copy of this song.  I want to kiss this commercial extravaganza goodbye for another year.  A cardboard box of Wal-Mart’s best red helps do that, and makes my voice sound better.  I recommend one for you, if you plan to listen to it.

5. I saw Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus

This was recorded by William Tell’s grandson, Isle Tell.  It hasn’t been released yet, even though I understand some money has changed hands.

6. All I want for Christmas

See #10:  This is a solo by Vladimir Putin, off the debut album.  The rest of the group had to let him have a solo.  They were busy closing and locking 5^th floor windows so that they didn’t accidently fall out.  The chorus includes Belarus, Crimea, and Ukraine.  It’s hard to rhyme Oligarchy and World Domination in Russian.

7. Sound of the Underground

Lou Reed, when he was – Walkin’ on the Wild Side.

8. Jingle Bell Rock

Crazy Ray Stevens did a version of this some years ago.  He retitled it Guitarzan, (No he didn’t!  That was Ahab the Arab) and sang about Fatima of the Seven Veils, who had Rings On Her Fingers – And Bells On Her Toes – And A Bone Through Her Nose, Ho Ho.

9. Can we fix it

That is the Christmas dirge that my son sang when he was pulled over the (One too many) last time by a Highway Patrolman.
‘Dude, I have collected a complete set of demerit points.  If the increased insurance premiums don’t kill me, my wife will.  Isn’t there some way that this can just Go Away?…. A little seasonal honorarium?  A bit of Christmas cheerfull of anonymous cash??
He won’t have to worry about his wife killing him, at least for the 90 days he spends in the county nick, for attempting to bribe an officer.

10. Somethin’ Stupid.

Following in the famous footsteps of Bob Geldof and Band Aid, Donald Trump is assembling a super-group of world politicians.  This will be the album name, and the title cut.  So far, he has Boris Johnson, Justin Trudeau, Benjamin Netanyahu, and Vladimir Putin lined up, but dozens of other stupid assholes World Leaders are clamouring for inclusion.  The name of the group has not been finalized, but will probably be either Banal Ade, or Bandit Aid.

’23 A To Z Challenge – T

What comes after number two?  (Besides TP)
What do you hang your Christmas ornaments on?
How many guesses did Jethro Tull give about a job, in Steel Monkey?
What darling little yellow cartoon canary always outsmarts Sylvester T. Cat?
What century-old, Scottish insult, that rhymes with That’s so gay! usage has died off, but really needs to be brought back??  Like Ian Anderson, ‘I’ll give you guesses’

TWEE

Adjective Chiefly British.

1. affectedly dainty or quaint:

excessively sentimental, sweet, or pretty

Twee describes someone or something as affectedly and cloyingly cute, sweet, and quaint. It’s also a subgenre of indie pop music.

ORIGIN OF TWEE

1900–05; apparently reduced from tweet (perhaps via pronunciation twiʔ), mimicking child’s pronunciation of sweet

 

Gotta go!  Christmas dinner is on the table.  I’ll be out of here as quick as One – Two -…… TWEE.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a ‘Good Grief!’

 

Fibbing Friday Letters

Last week, the questions were borrowed from a newsletter. When Pennsitivity101 read them, she thought there could be a lot of fun answers. Like to add yours?

1. What is Allium Sepa (Cepa)?

It is concentrated green-onion juice that is used to make the cough medicine, Cepacol.

2. What is Arran Pilot?

He (or she) is the person who guides the tourist boat from Glasgow, out to the island, for knitting tours.

3. What is a love apple?

That was what I grew, before I got fat pleasingly plump, and developed full love handles.
Are you happy to see me, or is that just a large lunch??

4. To what genus do cabbages, broccoli and cauliflowers belong?

Flatulus inducius.

5. Which vegetables were the first to be canned?

The ones caught smoking dope on the job.  To be honest, they weren’t doing much actual work anyway, and it all had to be double-checked.

6. Pepinex and Telegraph are varieties of what?

These are new dating apps, especially for those working in the communications field.

7. What is a White Lisbon?

It’s a hot new drink in Brazil, made with a liqueur distilled from fermented bougainvillea flowers.

8. What is Calabrese?

Calabrese is an American rock band that is based out of Phoenix, Arizona. The band consists of three faux brothers; bassist/vocalist Jimmy Calabrese, guitarist/vocalist Bobby Calabrese and drummer Davey Calabrese. Calabrese has been described as “Melodic, hook-laden, catchy, fun, Rock with a Punk attitude”.

9. What was described as a cabbage with college education?

Boris Johnson.  Donald Trump is a kale.  He claims to have a University degree, but he’s not as tightly wrapped.

10. What is a Pentland Javelin?

That’s what a sadly mistaken Geordie in an Edinburgh pub boastfully calls his alcohol-enfeebled manhood.  😮

Beware, Geeks Bearing Gifts

We were off to see the Wizard of White Eyes, minion of his better half, the Mistress of Mischief, Captain Chaos.

Quite aware that you can’t get the entire island of Manhattan for $12 worth of beads anymore, we only took along enough trinkets and trade goods to swap for a motel room for three nights.

The trip began with some free entertainment.  When we reached the border, we got into one of about eight lines of cars, waiting to be cleared by border guards.  Inch forward – inch forward…. From the rear passenger seat of the Honda beside us, a young, Asian female climbed out and stretched.

Then, from the shotgun seat, a young male Asian also climbed out, stretched, and spoke to her.  Next, the young male Asian driver climbed out and left his door open.  Finally, everybody rotated one space counter-clockwise.  The driver got in the left back.  The female moved up to front passenger, and the other male walked around to become the driver.  I had just watched a real, live, honest-to-goodness Chinese Fire Drill.

Ohio has a problem with drug usage.  Highway signs urge anyone with information about illegal drugs to call a special telephone number.  Small-town pharmacies near John Erickson’s home refuse to stock any opiates – fearing either robberies, or narc-raids.  They will not even order and dispense his Government-mandated migraine pain medication.  Knowing that we can be quite a pain in the ass neck, I obtained a couple of bottles of Tylenol, the strongest OTC pills available in Canada.

They were so sweet to allow us to intrude for a couple of days, so I brought along a half-gallon of dark maple syrup to top them back up to standard.  Captain Chaos says that she occasionally cooks with it, and even sometimes puts it in her coffee.  I don’t drink coffee, but I’m gonna try it in a night-time hot chocolate.

I am amazed that the occasional record store still exists.  Vinyl is making a comeback, though most of their sales are CDs.  It was regrettable that John could not find someone who could get an autographed copy of Idina Menzel’s book, at a signing in Chicago.  As a consolation prize, I managed to obtain a copy of her latest album release for him.  John Travolta badly mispronounced her name, when giving her an award.  Stores near John don’t carry it, because Amish and rednecks never heard of her.

As a thank you gift for our harassed hostess, we found a life-sized (for her) stuffed bear to add to her collection.  He is Crusader Rabbit’s friend, Crusader Bear.  Despite the strappy sandals, he’s not really a Roman bear.  He’s an historical re-enactor, like John.

That’s enough of me patting myself on the back for upsetting the Canada/US balance of Trade.  Just wait till I relate the mischief that we got up to while we were there.  😉

Fibbing Friday For A Song

This week (well, Last Week) Pensitivity101 chose Song Titles, but rather than fib about who sang them, could we improvise on what they are about?

1. Spirit in the Sky

When the Stewardess Cabin Attendant abandons the drink cart, to deal with a problem passenger, a quickly-acquired handful of those little, sample-sized bottles can help get you through the flight.

2. MacArthur Park

That’s my Karen next-door neighbour, who got her driving license when Cracker Jacks was still giving out prizes.  She parks by ear.  Her car looks like she bought it during a meteor shower.

3. A Whiter Shade of Pale

I just got an official notice from the IRS, that I’m going to be audited.

4. Crocodile Rock

It’s Elton John’s retirement plan.  He felt that if one old Queen was gone, another should stop strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage.

5. Run

I told you that those leftover meatballs had been in the refrigerator too long.

6. Don’t it make your brown eyes blue?

He is so full of bullshit that his eyes turned brown, but he’s been spreading it around so much that the level has receded.

7. Heaven can wait

It ain’t waiting for me!  They don’t wanna let me in, and Hell is afraid that I’ll take over.  I’m immortal!  😎

8. One night in Bangkok

It’s a special, 24-hour sex-vacation option in some Oriental Tour package excursions.

9. I know him so well.

His life was an open book.  Only, it was written in Nahuatl.  He said, “I’m only human.” but I requested ID.

10. Here comes the Sun.

It’s the latest-published biography of Rupert Murdoch.  Yay Page Three!