Alphabetic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 said that it was time for an A B C.
Definitions for these words please (but your responses can start with any letter):

1. Abomasum

I just didn’t have the stomach to dream up a silly definition for this word.  It’s not like I’m some dumb cow, just delivering on demand.

2. Absquatulate

That’s the workout procedure that the wife is trying to get me to do.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  ”Overweight” is what hangs past my belt.

3. Amphisbaena

This is a child’s – and sometimes adults’ – unreasonable aversion to taking a bath.

4. Antimacassar

Composed mostly of wives who are not allowed to accompany their husbands to the pub, this is an action group which is trying to prevent Scottish men from making drunken fools of themselves.  😮  As if!  Might as well try to legislate that the sky is green.

5. Atingle

The wife claims that I’m not a very good DIY electrician.  Well, she’s in for a shock.

6. Bailiwick

Bailiwick is the brand name of the pail-sized citronella candles that Canadian campers use to ward of backwoods mosquitoes that are big enough to molest seagulls.

7. Bafflegab

Any of Donald Trump’s speeches or Tweets.  (Do we call them Xs now??)  Comprestand??!  Covfefe!  😮

8. Calliope

This is a stew from Kenya, which the wife discovered the recipe for. It’s delicious, but a little difficult to get the gnu meat for.

9. Cornucopia

That’s the college that the wife’s podiatrist went to.

10. Cryptozoology

This is the modern collection of the strange and weird, NFT, digital, online creatures.  You have to pay with Bitcoin, to be allowed to view them.

***

So, what are you doing for Easter??

Oh, just hangin’ around.

Old Bag Fibbing Friday

Time for a mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week:

1. What is poppycock?

It is the bane of my diet.  It also violates several laws of physics.  I vow to ignore it, and pass it by, on the other side of the store aisle.  It must contain Dark Matter, because it distorts the floor, causing me to ooze over, and snuggle up next to it.  And how can eating a 12 ounce can of it cause me to gain three pounds??

2.  How did the word nincompoop originate?

The original wording was “Shit-For-Brains,” but the Woke Warriors branch of Cancel Culture LLC insisted that it needed to be toned down, so that no-one would be offended.

3.  What is a rolodex?

It’s an expensive watch that a fool with dyslexia buys, in a car park.

4.  What is a Chimera?

To Hell with all those high-falutin’, pretentious Greek names!  Chimera is the strange name of the fraternity at the off-beat, local Liberal Arts College.  It’s full of those who don’t fit in anywhere else.  Unlike The Hasty Pudding Club, or The Skull and Bones, its elite group is known as The Square Peg – Round Hole Compilation.

5.  What is Playdoh?

It’s when you’re doing a stage adaptation of The Simpsons, and you land the role of Homer.

6.  What is a gingernut?

It’s when a Bobby must chase a wrongdoer, on a bicycle, and quickly mounts a bit too carelessly.

7.  Where will you find a sphinx?

It is a set of muscles found in the lower abdomen, which control output from the bladder and intestines.

8.  What is a hypothesis?

It is an essay published online or in print, from some fool anti-vaxxer.  Vaccines have been proven to work against smallpox, measles, mumps, rubella, polio and more.  Suddenly, for COVID19, these idiots not only don’t believe the various vaccines are effective, but that they are so important that Bill Gates wants to track them.  Is there a vaccine against stupidity??!

9.  What is a pentadecagon?

Have I mentioned my redneck neighbours?  After some middle-of-the-night excitement recently, they told me that they had proof that Satan was real.  They used barbecue lighter fluid to draw an inverted, five-point star on the wooden veranda behind their house, set it aflame, and prayed that Lucifer would reveal himself.

When he didn’t, and the flames died, they went to bed.  Quick action by the fire brigade saved the house, but that deck is gone!!  Could we get a couple of booster shots of that stupid vaccine, please??!

10. What made the Mona Lisa smile?

The new, Tesla-manufactured, heavy-duty batteries for her vibrator finally arrived.

 

Unreal Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 gave us real words but wanted to know what our definitions were.

1. Hircine

I’m not saying that my neighbours are semi-literate rednecks but….She talks about astrological symbols.  She says that hircine is Virgo.  It’s obviously a very old one.

2. Roorback

Bentley Roorback is the leader of the Thalian Party.  He thinks that MAGA is a valid word, and that Donald Trump was God’s second son.  I’ve heard that, during his interesting college days, he was caught having sex with a goat, and he now hands out Halloween candy to children, that is laced with LSD, and meth.

3. Antithalian♪

We should all be antithalian.  Those people are seriously worrisome.  Back before the advent of the internet, each village used to only have one idiot.  Now they congregate in electronic villages, to shore up each others’ views, and try to convince saner people that The Earth is flat, senior politicians are actually alien lizards in human disguise, and that Hillary Clinton was operating a child-sex ring from the basement of a run-down pizza shop.

4. Novercal

Novercal is the pharmaceutical street-cousin to Novocaine – all of the up, without any of the down.

5. Accismus

It is quite valid, but this is a term that should never be publicly used, in reference to the butt of any of the Kardashians.  (It’s okay to do it with Caitlyn Jenner – butt you’re a pervert!)  They have more money than most small countries, and a flock of free-range lawyers, just scratchin’ to make a name for themselves, and a fat contingency fee.

6. Mundivagant

Like those who sought the Scarlet Pimpernel, I sought the meaning of this word.  I sought it on Dictionary.com.  I sought it on Merriam-Webster.  Cannot locate mundivagant.  Did you mean mendicant?  I sought it here.  I sought it there.  I sought the blighter everywhere.  I sought it in the forests of Canada, the mountains of Peru, the swamps of Borneo.  I travelled the world, real and virtual – without leaving my computer chair.  😎

7. Prefestinate

Prefestinate is an adjective which describes the fuss, the planning, the hard work, leading up to a big celebration of some sort.  The weeks preceding Kitchener’s Oktoberfest are an orgy of prefestinate organized confusion.

8. Apiculate

Something kept goading me – poking me with a sharp stick- to come up with a smart- ass answer for this word.  But I decided to just leaf it alone.  😉

9. Sloomy

She was the downscale girlfriend in a 1965 song made famous by The McCoys – Hang on Sloomy.  She wasn’t gloomy – she was Sloomy, it’s just that her busy social life kept her constantly short of sleep.

10 Ramulose

Like silver hairs among the gold, here’s a bit of truth among the lies.  Once upon a time…. I had an uncle named Randolph.  He was known to all and sundry, family and friends, for 55 years, as RAM.  And he fit the name – short, muscular, he wouldn’t fit in an empty apple barrel, but with no fat.

When he was widowed, my Mother and sister embarked on a campaign to marry him off to a long-absent widow who had moved back to town to care for her aged mother.

When he died, and the two attended his funeral, I heard them complain, “I didn’t know who the preacher was talking about!  It was, ‘Randy this’ and ‘Randy that.”  I told them, ‘It was Ram-u-lose.’

In Command Of Comedy

(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center!

(Wife) It looks like a Lazy Boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

***

A mother and father were chatting with their 13-year-old son about his future. The tweenager said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.

Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take when you attend college?” they asked the boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.”

***

I read a story the other day about an apathetic man who died.  Apparently, it was a shrug overdose.

I read another story this week about a new drug that makes its users apathetic, it’s called Crystal Meh.

And in a related story, I read where scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected; apparently no one seems to care.

***

A couple is starting marriage counseling. The counselor asks, “What brought you here today?” The wife explains, “I can’t stand how he takes everything so literally.” The counselor turns to the husband and asks, “And you?” The husband answers, “A car.”

***

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

***

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn, and sees him dancing, naked, in front of his tractor.  He says, “Oh Paddy, whatcha doin’?”  Paddy replies, “Well me and Mary ain’t been gettin’ it on in the bedroom recently, and our marriage counsellor suggested that I do something sexy to a tractor.”

***

A department store floor manager noticed a young boy staring intently at the handrail of an escalator. The manager walked over to him and asked, “Son, are you all right?”

The boy nodded “yes” without looking up.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

The boy shook his head “no” and continued to look at the handrail.

“Well, young man, do you want me to explain to you how escalators work?”

The lad replied “No, Mister, I’m just waiting for my bubble gum to come back!”

***  😀

Flash Fiction #256

PHOTO PROMPT © Liz Young

CHRYSALIS

His parents wanted him to go to university, or at least a Community College to learn a trade.  They were just so tight, so restrictive, so controlling.  He burst free from their bondage and got himself a great job at 18, with his own income, and promise of advancement.

A month later, he was smart enough to see that it was just a clerical dead-end, and a barely legal pyramid scheme.  He was also smart enough to tell his parents, “You told me so.”  Let’s have a look at the course catalogue at Conestoga College.  I could become a welder.

***

If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

’20 A To Z Challenge – O

 

I took my new bifocals out for a test drive, and felt that I’d found the perfect word to describe me.  I thought someone said that I was an ‘Oopsy-Mess.’  When I cleaned the dryer lint off the lenses, I found that I had to look up the word

OPSIMATH

A person who learns late in life
Greek
opse = late
math = learn

We should ALL be opsimaths, all except you young bucks.  Learning should be a life-long ambition and objective.  Some folks stop learning when they graduate high school, or college.  Many of them go on to become managers at McDonald’s or Domino’s, although at least one of them got elected as President of the United States.  Some voters never learn.  😳

I could go on (and on) about this, but I’ve learned to, Be Brief – Be Bright – Begone.  Are you still learning stuff to advance you in your job, or to get you a better one?  Are you still learning things, just for the joy of knowledge?  I would have been a professional scholar, if I’d just been able to find a sponsor.

Flash Fiction #219

PHOTO PROMPT © Dawn Miller

IT’S HIGH TIME

So, Canada had legalized marijuana, and he had wound up getting a job with one of the legal grow-ops after graduating from Agricultural College. Given the ‘entertainment’ habits of some of his dorm-mates, it was a surprise that it was him, rather than one of the 4:20 cadre.

He was pleased with the safety equipment his employer provided – gloves, coveralls, respirator masks. His hometown had once been the center of a tobacco-growing area. Each year there had been at least one case of death from nicotine poisoning. Here, about the worst thing that happened, was a nice contact high buzz.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

It’s a good thing that I went back to proof-read one more time. Spell-Check didn’t catch that I had titled this “Flesh” Fiction. That’s a whole different genre!   😳 🙄

I Can’t Even GIVE History Away

I wrote of finding a little bit of history, a piece of ephemera, a 1942, WW-II ticket for a British bus line, in my first ‘Olio’ post.  It had been used as a bookmark, and fell out of an old hardcover book that I was examining.

I first tried to give it to one of the 2 local museums. Originally called Kids Museum, it might have fared better in Waterloo, our northern Twin City.  They’re a bit more financially and culturally superior. (Pronounced – ‘snooty’)

When not enough blue-collar kids visited it, they cleaned, repainted and added a bunch of dead machinery from now-closed local manufacturing plants, and called it themuseum – one word, all lower-case.  Can you make out the name in the above photo??  It being a British artifact, they had no interest in the ticket.

Anyway, I contacted the other local museum. It used to be called Doon Pioneer Village, and focused on the local Mennonites in the 1880s, but also recently changed its name, to Doon Heritage Crossroads, showcasing the growing 1920s urban development.

Canada didn’t have the Roaring 20s, flappers, or bathtub gin; although a strong wind might reveal a Mennonite woman’s ankle, or a vat of sweet apple cider might accidently go hard.  The ticket didn’t relate to their theme, and the only suggestion the curator had, was The Canadian War Museum in Ottawa.

There’s actually another ‘museum’ in Kitchener. It’s the Joseph Schneider Haus, built by one of the first settlers from Pennsylvania, in 1816, and still standing, in downtown Kitchener.  It has people in 1850s period costumes, demonstrating pioneer life, which is one reason why the Pioneer Village became the Heritage Crossroads.

A year ago, the Grandson moved to Ottawa to be with his fiancée as she attended college. In August, the son drove him, and a bunch of his stuff, in the new sport-ute.  Last October the son and I drove up another load of food and trivia.  After a six-hour drive on the Saturday, we barely had time to unload, a quick visit, and back later for a restaurant meal.

JUST as we were leaving the house Saturday morning, the son wondered aloud, if we might have the time to visit The War Museum on Sunday.  I ran upstairs and grabbed the ticket in its display frame, and brought it with us.

We did have time to tour the Museum on Sunday before leaving.  Since it was Sunday, and no office staff was working, I carefully put the ticket in an envelope, and left it and a note, with Security staff.  A couple of weeks later, I got a nice refusal letter from the Director of Acquisitions, who later mailed it back to me.

It relates to Britain, and World War Two, and The Canadian War Museum is about Canadian wars, starting with French-Indian Wars, then British-Indian Wars, and Indian-Indian wars, etc., etc., etc.  Damn, we’ve had a lot of wars!  It’s back on a shelf on my stairway landing, beneath an impressive photo of the Northern Lights.  I can’t give this thing away.  Perhaps I’ll contact the bus company – they’re still in business.  Maybe they’d like it back.

***

ADDENDUM;

About 30 years ago, one of the wife’s nephews met a girl from Ottawa here at University, and moved there to marry her. We hadn’t begun taking our trips, so we let the most worldly-wise of her sisters, book motel rooms for 7 couples, to attend the wedding.

The motel that the son and I stayed at was an unusual creature, a sprawling old, two-storey, semi-Tudor style building….with a modern, 7-floor tower, epoxy-glued to one end. But the tower was closed off, and not available to guests.  When I asked why, the desk clerk told me that the 50-year-newer section was condemned.

It wasn’t till I got home and thought about it, that I realized that the now-condemned, haunted tower is where we slept, lo those many years ago. I wonder why it was condemned – and when??   😯

Flash Fiction #138

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

TAKING CONFESSIONS

Mom told him that college would be different and difficult.

It started innocently enough. He and his three friends, sharing an apartment – his stuff, their stuff – his food, their food.  Then one night, he had crackers….but only Marco had peanut butter.  Take a little now, and replace it after shopping tomorrow.  Only, he spent all evening at the library, and stores were closed.

Well, use a bit more, and shop for sure tomorrow. He came home empty-handed to Marco threatening to discover and beat whoever was stealing his food.

Confession is good for the soul. It’s time to come clean.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Flash Fiction # 129

PHOTO PROMPT © Jellico’s Stationhouse

EASY RIDER

Hurry up, already. We’ll be late for lecture.  Why don’t you buy an electric moped?

There was no use saying it out loud. It was always the same.  It took Lenny as long as it took, almost ten minutes.

In that amount of time, we could have walked across campus and got a coffee with the blonde twins.

I really don’t understand some people’s enthralment with Steampunk. What genius builds his own steam-powered bicycle, and carries coal around in his backpack?  Where do you even buy coal??

Finally, like the Little Engine – I think I can, I think I can….

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.