Driven To One-Liners

My biggest fear with self-driving cars is….
…. if I died on my way to work, the car would still deliver me there.

My barber asked me how I wanted my hair cut….
….I told him, “In silence!”

Life is like a box of chocolates….
….It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Fake quotes will ruin the internet….
….Benjamin Franklin

I’m inconsistent….
….but not all the time.

If I had known the difference between the words antidote, and anecdote….
….one of my best friends would still be alive.

The guy who stole my diary just died….
….My thoughts are with his family.

Today’s Yoga pose….
….is Downward Spiral.

Perfect parents exist….
….They just don’t have kids yet.

Why do the French eat snails?….
….They don’t like fast food

All of my passwords are protected….
….by amnesia.

I’m not eye candy….
….More like eye broccoli.

I expect nothing from life….
….and I’m still let down.

I see you have some graph paper….
….You must be plotting something.

I just got kicked out of mime school….
….Must have been something I said.

A mistress is….
….something between a mister and a mattress.

If all is not lost….
….then where the heck is it?

Beer….
….The cure for what ales you!

Three Things Challenge – Names

There are two things that burn my ass, about parents who give names to their children – people with no imagination, and people with too damned much imagination.  If Elon Musk didn’t own a company that can do things that NASA can’t, he’d be in a small room somewhere, with plastic scissors and paste.

I expect his Seventh son – of 11 children – X Æ A-XII along with siblings Nevada, Kai, Saxon, Griffin, Damian, and Exa Dark Siderael, to sue his father and change his name as soon as it is legally possible.

On the other hand…. A woman in my home town had 5 boys, who she named Douglas, Darcy, David, Dwayne, and Derrick.  Even Alan, Bruce, Charlie, Dahlia, and Eddie would mix things up a bit.  Then there is Mama Kardashian – Kris – who gave girl K names to all five of her daughters.

Recently, Pensitivity101 posted the Three Word Challenge – POPPY, ROSE, VIOLET.  Over the years, we have probably watched as much imported British ‘telly,’ as we have American TV.  There was a Brit-Com titled Keeping Up Appearances.  The show centered around one of four sisters, who desperately wanted to improve her social standing.  Among other things, she insisted that her husband’s lowbrow surname – Bucket – be pronounced Boo-Kay.

A ‘60s flower child-mother had named them Hyacinth, Rose, Violet, and Daisy.  Apparently, there was a fifth, Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell daughter/sister named Poppy.

Egg-Citing One-Liners

I just wrote a great egg joke….
….but someone poached it off me.

A is for apple. B is for boy.  What is C for?….
….Explosive material.

Which end of a swimming pool is more reliable?….
….The deep-end.

I joined a support group for people who talk too much….
….We call ourselves, On and On Anon.

The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets….
….But first, I’ve got to want to help myself.

I’m having an….
….out-of-money experience.

Don’t believe everything….
….you think.

I showed a mime a magic trick….
….He was speechless.

I like a band called ‘Cat’s Eyes’….
….They play middle-of-the-road stuff.

Improper Fractions Helpdesk….
….now open 24/7

The wife; I’ve changed my mind….
….Me; Good!  Does it work any better now?

A husband is living proof….
….that a wife can take a joke.

My wife and I are inseparable….
….Last week it took four policemen and a dog.

I don’t have a carbon footprint….
….I drive everywhere.

The wife said, “I want another baby.”….
….I said, “Thank goodness.  I didn’t like this one.”

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children….
….If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My Mother said, One man’s trash is another man’s treasure….
….Turns out I’m adopted.

I’m writing a book about what I should be doing with my life….
….It’s an oughttobiography.

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth….
….After that, everything was made in China.

I tried to write a joke about restraining orders….
….but this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

What do you say to comfort a Grammar Nazi?….
….There, their, they’re.

I bought a new Thesaurus today….
….It’s nothing to write house about.

Unreal Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 gave us real words but wanted to know what our definitions were.

1. Hircine

I’m not saying that my neighbours are semi-literate rednecks but….She talks about astrological symbols.  She says that hircine is Virgo.  It’s obviously a very old one.

2. Roorback

Bentley Roorback is the leader of the Thalian Party.  He thinks that MAGA is a valid word, and that Donald Trump was God’s second son.  I’ve heard that, during his interesting college days, he was caught having sex with a goat, and he now hands out Halloween candy to children, that is laced with LSD, and meth.

3. Antithalian♪

We should all be antithalian.  Those people are seriously worrisome.  Back before the advent of the internet, each village used to only have one idiot.  Now they congregate in electronic villages, to shore up each others’ views, and try to convince saner people that The Earth is flat, senior politicians are actually alien lizards in human disguise, and that Hillary Clinton was operating a child-sex ring from the basement of a run-down pizza shop.

4. Novercal

Novercal is the pharmaceutical street-cousin to Novocaine – all of the up, without any of the down.

5. Accismus

It is quite valid, but this is a term that should never be publicly used, in reference to the butt of any of the Kardashians.  (It’s okay to do it with Caitlyn Jenner – butt you’re a pervert!)  They have more money than most small countries, and a flock of free-range lawyers, just scratchin’ to make a name for themselves, and a fat contingency fee.

6. Mundivagant

Like those who sought the Scarlet Pimpernel, I sought the meaning of this word.  I sought it on Dictionary.com.  I sought it on Merriam-Webster.  Cannot locate mundivagant.  Did you mean mendicant?  I sought it here.  I sought it there.  I sought the blighter everywhere.  I sought it in the forests of Canada, the mountains of Peru, the swamps of Borneo.  I travelled the world, real and virtual – without leaving my computer chair.  😎

7. Prefestinate

Prefestinate is an adjective which describes the fuss, the planning, the hard work, leading up to a big celebration of some sort.  The weeks preceding Kitchener’s Oktoberfest are an orgy of prefestinate organized confusion.

8. Apiculate

Something kept goading me – poking me with a sharp stick- to come up with a smart- ass answer for this word.  But I decided to just leaf it alone.  😉

9. Sloomy

She was the downscale girlfriend in a 1965 song made famous by The McCoys – Hang on Sloomy.  She wasn’t gloomy – she was Sloomy, it’s just that her busy social life kept her constantly short of sleep.

10 Ramulose

Like silver hairs among the gold, here’s a bit of truth among the lies.  Once upon a time…. I had an uncle named Randolph.  He was known to all and sundry, family and friends, for 55 years, as RAM.  And he fit the name – short, muscular, he wouldn’t fit in an empty apple barrel, but with no fat.

When he was widowed, my Mother and sister embarked on a campaign to marry him off to a long-absent widow who had moved back to town to care for her aged mother.

When he died, and the two attended his funeral, I heard them complain, “I didn’t know who the preacher was talking about!  It was, ‘Randy this’ and ‘Randy that.”  I told them, ‘It was Ram-u-lose.’

Remaking Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 said it was Time For Hit Remakes this week.  Who could have recorded the following (your nominations do not have to be singers) or had it for their signature tune?

Cinderella Rockefella

The San Francisco Boys Marching Band, with special guest Elton John, appearing on the Ru-Paul Drag Race TV show.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

2.   I want it all

Vladimir Putin!  😳

3.   I’m just a forlorn boy

Axe Body Spray bought the rights, and used the first eight bars in a commercial.  I’m just a lonely boy…. and showed some Incel dork looking forlorn and dateless.  Then the video moved on to show him dousing overly-liberal spraying himself with their toxic chemical miasma concoction, and suddenly he’s surrounded by 6 good-looking chicks, none of whom seem to mind the presence of the other five.

That advert campaign came to a sudden halt when truthinadvertising.com released a spoof version.  It intercut portions of the original showing Young Reekie, the Axe-man, then it showed six hot females gasping for breath, and grasping for N95 COVID masks and running away, showing that they had a sense of smell, and a sense of taste – or distaste.  👿

4.   Here comes the night

The Silicon Valley Bank Senior Management Choir.  Then they do a Patreon PSA video, titled,
What Happens In LA – stays in our Golden Handshake accounts.

5.   All I have to do is dream

Any new parent, especially new mothers.  When the Terrible Twos Twins are simultaneously teething, the police are getting noise complaints from your neighbours – not about your dog, but because of the yowling young-‘uns.  They never seem to achieve unconsciousness at the same time, so sleep is just something that you read about in a book one time, long, LONG ago.

6.   Wand’rin’ Star

That was Edwin Starr, who had a hit back in ‘69 which asked, “What is the good of war?”  Putin recently sent him a text that just read, “Posterity Project.”

Then he sent me one that absolutely, positively denied that I saw a Russian ZIL that read KGB, in last week’s alphabet soup.  Good thing I don’t own a smart phone, and never got it.  🙄

I tried to listen to the Portishead version of it, but the Suicide Hotline called ME, and told me to turn it off.  😦

7.    Rock On

Tina Turner has redone this old song.  She’s 85!  With a big front veranda, (and her house has one, too) and a mint julep, it has taken on a brand new meaning.  😉

8.   Purple Rain

I have adopted this, at least temporarily, as my Life Motto.  I have absorbed so much COVID sanitizer that when I pee, I also clean the toilet.

9.   When will I see You Again?

This is the new anthem for Beijing.  Between COVID masks, and the worst air quality in the word, it’s creating a lot of identity confusion, and causing some people who want to telephone someone they think they met on the street, to Wing the Wong number.

10.  You can’t hurry love

It’s still $4.99 a minute, but when you get as old as me, sometimes you have to change the batteries in your hearing aids.
EH??  What am I wearing?  Depends!  On What??  On my crotch!  I don’t think I trust an adult incontinence product named Depends any more.  I want one called Fer Shur, or Boulder Dam.

Insider One-Liners

 

The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.

It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.

I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.

On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.

Well! Well! Well!  If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.

My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.

Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.

Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.

I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.

Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.

Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.

Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.

My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.

Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making

My recliner and I….
….go way back.

Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.

My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.

Running Into One-Liners

I’ve found that running is a great way to meet new people….
….Unfortunately, they’re paramedics.

That has too much cheese on it….
….said no-one, ever!

That little scrolly thing to pick the year I was born….
….is getting pretty far.

I learn from the mistakes….
….of people who took my advice.

Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance….
….the 5 stages of waking up.

I’m at the point in life where….
….running errands counts as going out.

Why does the radio stop to tell you….
….that they play non-stop music?

What does a panda cook with?….
….A pan – Duh!

Hyphenated /Non-hyphenated….
….The irony.

If I had a DeLorean, I would probably drive it….
….from time to time.

I react to the word “Tacos”….
….the same way dogs react to the word “Walk.”

Nothing is more difficult than trying to….
….discipline the “You” out of Your child.

A bossy guy walks into a bar and….
….orders everyone a round.

You don’t realize how many people you don’t like….
….until you have to name a baby.

If a bag is non-resealable….
….it contains one serving.

Back in my day, panic buying was….
….when the bartender yelled ‘Last call.’

75% of arguments start….
….because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Is there ever a day when….
….mattresses aren’t on sale?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it.

Introverts unite!  Separately….
….in our own homes.

If you want to impress me with your vehicle….
….it better be a food truck.

It’s time to switch out my regular anxiety….
….for my festive, holiday anxiety.

Fitting into my clothes after Christmas….
….is going to be the real holiday miracle.

’22 A To Z Challenge – J

 

Jesus, Jeremiah, Jumped-Up, Jehoshaphat, Jehovah!!  Here it is, time to have a ‘J’ post ready for the A To Z Challenge and, as usual, I don’t have a single black pixel on the virtual white page.

The wife thinks that I am a procrastinating Jackass.  The son says that I am a lazy Jerk.  The daughter is not as Judgmental.  She just sits on the sidelines and Jeers.

I took a short Journey, out to a shopping mall, now that they have re-opened after COVID.  It was Just a little Jaunt to the now-legal cannabis Joint, to buy a…. Joint. I met a Jolly old man with a bushy, white beard.  He assured me that he was Jovial, but not Jocular.  He was dressed in strange, all-red clothes, and was even more rotund than me.  He laughed a lot, and his midriff shook like a bowlful of Jelly.

He said that I deserved to get coal at Christmas, but EPA regulations restricted him to giving me a miniature wind turbine.  He assured me that I was so mouthy garrulous, that I could charge all my electronic gadgets with it, if I just kept talking at it.  I thought that was a bit Juvenile, but probably Justified.

After Jawing with him, I Judged that it was time to get me and my cowboy boots, which do not go Jingle-Jangle-Jingle, over to the men’s cooking class at the supermarket.  Today’s food category would be Jell-O salads.  The wife doesn’t like them.  The only time I get some is at a buffet restaurant.  As one of ten children in a Good Catholic family, she associates them with “Poor Folks” food.

Today’s was a Jewel of a lesson – a gourmet recipe for wiener Jell-O salad.  I Jotted down all the preparation instructions, every Jot and tittle of them.

Stop back on Wednesday.  After you’ve read my post, I’m throwing a picnic.  I hope you like frankfurters.  I’m just not grilling them.  Y’all come, now.   😉

Great Comedy – No Lie

The school called today to tell me that my son has been telling lies.
I told them to congratulate him on how well he tells them.  I don’t have a son.

***

Dear Lord, all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person.

***

“While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in Florida, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-wife, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.    It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.   She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

“If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today.  Just one shot to my estranged wife’s knee cap was all it took.  The alligator got her easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was truly incredible and her life insurance was also a big bonus.”

***

The new vicar at a city centre church was delighted when he received a large anonymous cash gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: “First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can’t spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting.”

***

The cashier at Wal-Mart said, “Strip down in front of me.” so I did as she told me.
When the hysteria died down, I found that she was instructing me on how to use the credit card reader.

***

My High School was so poor, that they taught sex education and driver’s-ed in the same car.

***

I tried to donate blood today.  Never again!  Too damned many questions!
Whose blood is it?  Where did you get it?  Why is it in a bucket??

***

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing a seatbelt, he had won $1000 in a safety contest.  “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.  The man responded, “Well, I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my driver’s licence.”  At that point, the man’s wife chimed in, “Officer, don’t listen to him.  He’s a smart-ass when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat who, when he saw the cop, blurted, “I told you we wouldn’t get very far in this stolen car.”  Just then there was a knocking from the trunk, and a voice asked, “Are we across the border yet?”

Grumpy Old Dude One-Liners

New show, The Walking Dad….
….It’s just me, wandering around the house, turning off lights, muttering, “I’m not made of money.”

I ate an entire clock yesterday….
….It was very time-consuming.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?….
….Park your car, man.

I am not addicted to reading….
….I can quit – as soon as I finish this chapter.

I made a pencil with two erasers….
….It was pointless

I slept like a log last night….
….Woke up in the fireplace.

I finally found a good use for a stress ball….
….I throw it at anyone who makes me upset or anxious.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?….
….We arson.

Nothing is really lost….
….Until Mom can’t find it.

I thought I was losing weight….
….Turns out my sweatpants came untied.

I may be crazy….
….But crazy is better than stupid.

Autobiographies are now known as….
….Literary selfies.

Condoms should be used….
….at every conceivable occasion.

I got a friends request from Quasimodo….
….I don’t think I know him, but the name rings a bell.

I used to work as a circus trapeze artist….
….Till they let me go.

I have OCD….
….Old, Cranky, and Demented.

Before the invention of the wheel….
….Everything was a total drag.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?….
….Because dogs can’t whistle.

Insomniacs are sick human beings!….
….How do they sleep at night?

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face today….
….I love felt-tip pens.

My son kept giving us shocks from static electricity….
….So I grounded him.

I have a goal of losing 20 pounds this year….
….Only 30 more to go.