Smitty’s Loose Change #20

So there I was, minding my own business, living my best life when all of a sudden this old guy snuck up behind me and took over my body.

***

The wife recently told me that there could not be a city in Turkey, or Iran, or Spain, founded 2000 years ago, that the city of Vidalia, in Georgia, named itself after – because the people in Georgia had it trademarked.

***

We must share space on this planet.  We have no good reason to make any appeals to anything supernatural, or to God(s), so it is up to us to work together, co-operatively, to resolve our differences and make the world a better place.  If answers are going to come, then those answers will come from humans.

***

Dear Lord!  I just got a 7200+ word porno spam, with 57 segments, and links to a wide variety of kinky fetish sites.  It took me three days to read it all, coz I can’t last that long.   😉

***

This has to be one of the best grammar posts I’ve ever read. The way you artfully included each error in this post is almost like art—a true God given talent. I am quite obsessed with grammatical errors ever since my professor at one of my past colleges told us to look for a grammatical error in real life and send him a picture of it for extra credit. I am now inspired myself to make a post about grammar. You’re doing the lord’s work

Perhaps you’re right. Every time I boast to the wife that I’ve found another one, she does a facepalm, and mutters, “Dear Lord.”

She don’t know me very good, do she??!

***

Among other things, Guru Food Products manufactures Energy Bars.  They must be healthful, possibly organic, and good for you.  The advertising blurb on the side of the box, seen at a Wal-Mart checkout line, says that they are – Made In Plants.

***

A world without God or purpose may seem harsh and pointless, but that alone does not require God to actually exist.

***

Gently urged by legislation, local businesses are (finally) eliminating single-use plastic items.  Earlier, they charged 5¢ for plastic bags.  Many people began bringing their own cloth bags, but many more happily paid the price.  Now local stores only offer paper bags.  The discount store charges 10¢/ea and the big supermarket charges 15¢.

Plastic drinking straws have disappeared.  I’m glad I have a few heavy-duty ones in my glove compartment, which I bought at the Dollarama last year.  In my youth, we had wax-coated paper straws.  The new paper straws are not coated.  You’d better suck up your iced coffee quickly, or they disintegrate.

Closers on bags of bread and buns are now made of grey-board (multi-layer paper).  I eat very little bread.  A loaf might last me a month – if I freeze it, bringing out a couple of slices at a time.  Paper closers do not survive well in the freezer.  Again, I trade them out for plastic ones that I saved earlier.

Running Into One-Liners

I’ve found that running is a great way to meet new people….
….Unfortunately, they’re paramedics.

That has too much cheese on it….
….said no-one, ever!

That little scrolly thing to pick the year I was born….
….is getting pretty far.

I learn from the mistakes….
….of people who took my advice.

Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance….
….the 5 stages of waking up.

I’m at the point in life where….
….running errands counts as going out.

Why does the radio stop to tell you….
….that they play non-stop music?

What does a panda cook with?….
….A pan – Duh!

Hyphenated /Non-hyphenated….
….The irony.

If I had a DeLorean, I would probably drive it….
….from time to time.

I react to the word “Tacos”….
….the same way dogs react to the word “Walk.”

Nothing is more difficult than trying to….
….discipline the “You” out of Your child.

A bossy guy walks into a bar and….
….orders everyone a round.

You don’t realize how many people you don’t like….
….until you have to name a baby.

If a bag is non-resealable….
….it contains one serving.

Back in my day, panic buying was….
….when the bartender yelled ‘Last call.’

75% of arguments start….
….because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Is there ever a day when….
….mattresses aren’t on sale?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it.

Introverts unite!  Separately….
….in our own homes.

If you want to impress me with your vehicle….
….it better be a food truck.

It’s time to switch out my regular anxiety….
….for my festive, holiday anxiety.

Fitting into my clothes after Christmas….
….is going to be the real holiday miracle.

Fishing For One-Liners

I’m not a catch….
….I’m a catch and release.

Give me ambiguity, or….
….give me something else.

I was a real dude before I got married….
….Now I’m subdued.

I was attacked by a herd of cows….
….I’m okay.  I was just grazed.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork….
….Think I nailed it.

Smile….
….It irritates the Hell out of people who want to destroy you.

Zombies….
….hate fast food.

You look like….
….I need another drink.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?….
….Yeah, me neither.

By the time I get used to how old I am….
….I’m ten years older than that.

Do I put down my age in Earth years….
….or joint pain?

I’m not saying I’m old, but….
….I just had to increase my font size to “Billboard.”

Three Senators walked into a bar….
….and nothing happened.  Ever!

Retirement….
….The staycation to end all staycations.

People who know the least….
….always seem to know it the loudest.

Give me coffee to change the things I can….
….and wine to accept those that I can’t.

Don’t play poker with an origami expert….
….All they do is fold.

Nowadays, the problem with letting myself go….
….is getting myself back.

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

Never stop being a good person….
….because of bad people.

I hate peer pressure….
….and so should you.

If I was music….
….I’d be a single.

I’m havin’ a crappy day….
….Please send cute pics of your credit card.

It’s amazing how different booty calling….
….and butt dialing are.

***

I just read on MSNBC that actor, Jeremy Renner had been seriously injured in a snowplough accident.  Thousands of Americans are now confused.  What the Hell is a snowplug, and how do you get hurt by one??  PLOUGH??!  On MSNBC??!  Who do they think they are?  The BBC?  😕

From Bad To Worse

Heeeere’s John E.  This is a tribute to the pride of Chicago – a man so impressive that he was born three days before Christ.  He said that he had no trouble turning 50.  He’s done it 10 times.  Happily Birthday!  😀 I wish him many more, but I want “Quality Of Life” to go along with that wish.

This is the man who put the ILL in Illinois, to the point where they forced offered him a free lifetime citizenship in South Turnipville, Ohio.  Older bloggers have seen his muddy footprints in their posts for years.  They can be distinguished from Sasquatch footprints by the fact that there are two left feet.

The (at least temporary) ouster of Donald Trump, has removed a pain in his ass, but as the age counter inexorably ticks upward, he has accumulated aches and pains elsewhere – migraines, and rheumatizz.

Bureaucrats at all levels are rushing to be at the forefront of the Woke movement.  To solve the problem of opioid overdoses and addiction, the DEA raided the offices of the only pain-management doctor – a physiatrist – in a large section of Kentucky.  Aha, you’re prescribing thousands of pills!  That’s dealer level!  He protested that he had hundreds of patients in extreme pain, careful, complete documentation, and justification.  Doesn’t matter!  We’re shutting you down, and seized his computers, files and stock.

A pharmacist in Virginia refused to fill an opioid prescription for a woman in final cancer stage, because he didn’t want her to become addicted.  Her adult daughter came in and screamed at him that her mother was in final stage, in constant, debilitating pain, that the medication had been legally prescribed, that her mother would be dead long before she ever became addicted, and if she wasn’t, addiction would be the least of her worries, and that if he didn’t perform his legally-mandated function, she would sue his ass.  Even then he wouldn’t do it without a signed waiver form.

My daughter is in a similar situation, not for any ethical or moral reason, but because the Provincial Government has wasted so much money on projects like paving over fertile farmland, to build unwanted, unneeded highways, that they’ve cut back on benefits to the vulnerable.  They wouldn’t replace her power wheelchair until a local manager raised a huge fuss.  I used to drive her 75miles to get xylocaine pain-med infusion – and met others who had driven 150 miles.  Too expensive the government said.  Go to one of the now-legal cannabis dispensaries, and pay for you own CBD oil, that doesn’t work anywhere near as well.

Johnny-In-A-Spot – Dear John – Big Bad John’s doctor, possibly worried about the same thing, recently sloughed him off to a local pain clinic, who told him that they had also stopped providing any opioids.  Dear Big Government, thanx for saving us from ourselves.  We’d like to remember your care and concern for us at the next election, but those of us still alive won’t be able to reach the polls.

I baked John a special birthday cake with a surprise ingredient – some oxycontin pills that ‘fell off the back of a truck’, near my dealer’s place.  This getting old is a real pain.

Time Hobbles On

Growing “Older”
How many do you identify with??

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me (sobbing): “I can’t see you anymore — I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
My physical exercise instructor (exasperated): “But you did only one sit-up.”

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being senior is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’m lazy. The truth is, I’m just being energy efficient.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, that once you get old you to stop being polite and start being honest.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the COVID vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?  😕

Non-PC Humor

During last night’s high winds, an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Kitchener City Council said, “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

***

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani guy standing on a fifth-floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

***

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied,
“Remain calm and stay on the line.”

***

Today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.

A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together …….. and then crap on your car.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

***

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The old man didn’t budge.
The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old, disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;
“The balcony”…….

😯

***

Hot One-Liners

I told my wife that I want to be cremated….
….She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

Measure twice….
….Cuss once.

I just heard a woodpecker….
….call me paranoid in Morse code.

You have to be odd….
….to be number one.

My brain has….
….too many tabs open.

Hmmm, that’s a bit harsh….
….Let me put LOL at the end of it.

When does hibernation start?….
….I’d like to participate this year.

The Grinch never hated Christmas….
….He hated people, which is fair.

My favorite party trick….
….is not going.

We never really grow up….
….We just learn how to act in public.

Sometimes I just want to tell my boss….
….Sorry, my mom said I can’t come.

Me: Eating….
….My white shirt: Let me taste it.

It’s weird being the same age….
….as old people.

Row, row, row your boat….
….gently away from me.

Would zombies consider….
….Olympic runners, fast food?

My backup plan is the original plan….
….but with margaritas and queso.

It’s way too peoply out there today.

I’ve never seen anyone jogging and smiling….
….That’s all I need to know about that.

I hate this snow….  No, I love this snow….
….Signed Bi-Polar Bear.

Life and beer are very similar….
….Chill for best results.

Just because you are offended….
….doesn’t mean you are right.

😳

A Habit Of Telling One-Liners

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”

I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.

The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.

I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.

One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.

I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.

There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.

If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.

The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?

A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.

A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.

The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.

If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.

I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.

The Long And Winding Road

It was ten years ago today – November 21, 2011 – that I burst upon the wide and welcoming WordPress landscape.  I immediately began spewing forth bullshit to fertilize the fields, and bring in crops of creativity, contentment and controversy.

A WHOLE TEN YEARS?

IT’S BEEN AN ENTIRE DECADE?

I can’t possibly know all two million WordPress participants, but of the popular, well-known blog-sites of ten years ago, faint few are still posting.  AFrankAngle has ceased his social/political observations, and in his retirement, has re-invented himself as Beach Walk Reflections, offering more philosophical meditations.

Like me, although more lucidly, the Coastal Crone is still pumping out rants and rambles on a wide variety of interesting subjects.  After you’re finished reading my work, you might have a look at each of them.

While my blogging was to be a way to occupy my time in retirement, and give me a chance to be creative and tell my little stories, I have treated it as at least a part-time job.  With no-one to answer to but me, I still work hard to guarantee that scheduled posts are ready and published on time.  While I treasure my visitors, I still also do this very much for me, to keep me organized and thinking clearly.

Other than a few, extra, bonus posts like this, I long ago settled into a steady three-a-week, Monday/Wednesday/Friday publishing schedule.  Tallying it up, it means that this is my 1475^th post.  I recently turned 77.  With good genes, and increasing medical support, I hope to still be doing this in another ten years.  I look forward to be still attracting someone’s attention.

As I threaten, at the top, I offer rants and rambles about many things.  I have provided history, humor, insights into language development, politics, religion, and some peeks into growing up in both a small town, and one that is crammed with big-city summer residents.

As The Beatles say, it’s been The Long and Winding Road, and I have enjoyed every twisted mile of it.   A big shout-out and thanx to all my visitors, both past and future.  Excelsior!!

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! You registered on WordPress.com 10 years ago. Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

A Blast Of One-Liners

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office washroom….
….With an air-horn.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself….
….And stupid – we should fear the shit out of stupid.

Stop shaming fat people….
….They have enough on their plate already.

My wife made me join a bridge club….
….I jump off next Tuesday.

I stayed at a really cheap hotel….
….They stole my towel.

Another name for the Highway to Hell….
….Is the Route of All Evil.

I removed all the bad food from my house….
….It was delicious.

My housekeeping style is best described as….
….”There appears to have been a struggle.”

In wine there is wisdom….
….In water there is bacteria.  You decide.

People just write ‘Congrats’….
….Because they can’t spell ‘Congrajlashins.’

A procrastinator’s work….
….Is never done.

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son starts dating….
….Apparently jealousy was the wrong answer.

I often question my sanity….
….Occasionally it replies.

A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare….
….She replied, “You’d only lose it.”

Who invented fractions?….
….Henry the 1/8^th

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary….
….I know next to nothing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol….
….Dignity is not one of them.

My stomach is flat….
….The L is silent.

My friend brags that his 3-D printer can print a gun….
….Big deal, I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I have a joke about fireflies….
….That most people say is brilliant.

My dentist asked me when was the last time I flossed my teeth….
I said, “You should remember.  You were there.”

This old-age stuff….
….Has come at a bad time of my life.

Anti-racism is when white people protest….
….Against other white people, for being white.