Bagged Fibbing Friday

Here we go then, with Pensitivity101’s mixed bag from last week……….

  1. What is boisterous?

That’s a group of young males having fun.  They can be loud.  They often shout and yell.  It’s the opposite of gurlsterous, where young females play together.  They screech and squeal in such high tones that neighbourhood dogs have their paws over their ears.

2. What is a womaniser?

That is Cerberus, the modern, three-headed Hellhound consisting of Woke society, and Presentism, aided and abetted by years of eating and drinking food from plastic containers, which leech out pseudo-estrogen, all contributing to Real Men becoming simpering wimps.

3. What is a faux pas?

It’s the front foot of the quick, red vulpine animal that jumped over the lazy, brown dog, which the nobility chase with horses – the unspeakable, pursuing the inedible.

4. Define plumber

A crack addict.

5. What is a sous-chef?

(S)He is a high-class victuals preparation expert, who does so using copious amounts of wine and various liqueurs.  Sometimes, they even put some in the food.

6. What is antisocial?

She is my Father’s younger sister, after she’s imbibed 5 or 6 Medicinal toddies.’

7. Why did they call the wind Maria?

How do you solve a problem named Maria?  I thought they called the wind Mariah, but what do I know about music??  I can’t Carey a tune in a bucket.

8. Where would you find a kettle drum?

Underneath the big corn popper at the movie theater, or county fair.

9. What is a kango drill?

It is an Australian Military Band marching maneuver.

10. What makes bread rise?

Inflation!  😳  And petrol, and rent, and….

Supply-Chain Fibbing Friday

Pensitiviy101 passed the buck again.  Questions this past week were supplied by Jim Adams @ https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jim!

Early Humans

  1. What are Neanderthals?

They are the white-skinned descendants of ancient caveman savages – with very little evolution or improvement.  They are hairy, loud, thoughtless and inconsiderate.  Good Queen Bess II once referred to them as jumped-up oiks.  They wear their pants pulled down so far that their underwear hangs out – We’re probably lucky that they wear any, and that it’s clean, not gigantic plumber’s cracks.  They listen to rap music, while Negroes point and laugh at them, and think they’re Bad Boys.

  1. Why did man settle in the Euphrates Valley?

Mankind found a peyote-like shrub, and the best bud – after they discovered fire to smoke it with.  When Manolito set up a taco wagon, selling Mexican food and cervezas, they all decided to just sit back and chill out.

  1. What caused the Ice age?

I’m not sure.  I remember my Mother yelling at me to close the refrigerator door.  No-one has put any new food in it since you last checked, five minutes ago!  At the same time, my Father was yelling at my Brother, “Close the damned front door!  We can’t afford to heat the entire neighbourhood!”

  1. What kind of water is in the Yellow River?

The Isle of Dogs sits in the middle of it – lots of trees – lots of dogs – you do the math – just don’t eat yellow snow.

  1. What is the world’s oldest city?

I believe that it’s Tampa, Florida, where the average age is 92.683 years, blue hair is as common as fire ants, and they all eat some strange poultry dish called the Early Bird.

  1. Why did the Nile River rise every summer, overflow its banks, and flood Egypt?

Simple physics!  Heat causes thing to expand.  The summer is even hotter, so the water expanded.  The sand dunes got bigger too, but no-one noticed.  If you’ve seen one sand dune, you’ve seen…. Egypt.  😳

  1. Who invented soap?

Many people think that it was Proctor and Gamble, but it was really a Wall Street advertising firm whose name has been lost in the mists of time a froth of bubbles, and a blizzard of hundred-dollar bills in promotional fees.  Duz does everything, and Ajax was stronger than dirt.

  1. Why did Nimrod build the Tower of Babel?

He said that it was to get a better Wi-Fi connection, but I heard that his wife told him the mother-in-law was coming for an extended visit, and he needed someplace peaceful and quiet to re-string his bow.  (If you think that’s a euphemism for something, you’re probably phallically right.)

  1. Who is the Scorpion King?

Duh-Wayne Johnson!  Didn’t you see the movie??  He’s taking over Chuck Norris’s spot.  Someone asked him how he got the nickname, ‘The Rock?’  He took a run at a lake, and skipped 15 times.

  1. Why was the Great Pyramid built?

It was a practice session for I. M. Pei, for that monstrosity he inflicted on the Louvre and its patrons.  I don’t see the point of either.  He says that it’s because I’m too small.

Airhead Humor

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.  He remembered what his father had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what was going on. The airhead explained what Dad said.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

***

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

***

I got in trouble at a DUI roadblock.  I was too damned polite.  I asked the nice police officer if he would hold my beer while I fished out my licence and registration.

***

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.  I thought, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.”  Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

***

My Grandpa died peacefully.  He was a religious man and my good friend Michael inquired if I had found a Bible amongst his possessions.  I said that I had.  He asked me if I knew the publisher.  I told him that I thought it was Guten-something or other!

His eyes lit up and with a trembling voice he asked if it was Gutenberg?  I confirmed it was and he excitedly asked if he could see it, as it would be very valuable, because it was one of the first printed Bibles.  I told him I had given it to a charity shop and it would have been worthless as some smart-Alec named Martin Luther had written notes all over it!

***

A couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary which garnered a lot of attention from their community. In fact, a local news reporter showed up to the celebration and was surprised by how healthy and lively the 90-somethings were. After the couple finished dancing to swing music, the reporter started asking the husband questions.

When the reporter asked how the 97-year-old had maintained such good health, the husband smiled. “I give the credit to my wife,” he explained. “When we first got married, we agreed that whenever we argued, the loser would have to walk 2 miles – a mile away from the house and a mile back. I’ve been walking 2 miles a day almost every day for most of my married life.”

The reporter replied, “That’s amazing! But what about your wife? I understand she’s 92, and she’s in great shape too.”

“Well, you see,” began the husband, “she’s been following me that whole time to make sure I really finish those 2 miles.”

Eight Teen Fibbing Fridays

Every time I publish one of these, Pensitivity101 emails me a calendar.  Ever since that Mayan one didn’t work, I don’t really care anymore.  Procrastination is the only project that I’ve ever started on time.  And now, without further adieu, here’s another friggin’ Fibbing Friday list.

1.What kind of dog was Lassie?

Lassie was a boy dog with a girl’s name.  Because of that, he was a lightning-rod for, and the local distributor of, bad luck and karma.  Timmy got lost in the woods??  Lassie was there.  Timmy fell down a well??  Lassie was there.  Timmy was trapped in a burning barn??  Lassie was there!  I’d have traded him in for a hedgehog, or at least got his name legally changed.

2. Who was Toto’s owner?

He was the mascot for the band, Kansas.  He was even smart enough to play drums for them for a while, but he lost his edge, and started dogging it, and they had to let him go.  They said, “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

3. What breed of dog was Beethoven?

He was a Dutch Chocolate Labrador Retriever.  He had a minor role in the movie, Amadeus.  He played a harpsichord – but it took a lot of prosthetics and makeup.

4. Who was Goofy’s best buddy?

I was, for a while.  We were both in that Dumb And Dumber movie together, but the string on our tin-can telephone broke, and he never calls me anymore.

5. How many dogs starred in The Incredible Journey?

None!  They both think that they were stars, but it was really the cat that made the movie.  Without his wise guidance, Arf and Woof would still be wandering around, looking for a fire hydrant.  Focus guys!  Focus!

6. What made Superdog super?

He ate some chili con carne that Walter White made up, on the TV series, Breaking Bad, the day of “the incident.  Between the hot peppers and the meth, ANYTHING was possible – higher, faster, longer.

7. What is meant by Dogma?

That is narrow-minded, non-critical-thinking claims made by religious fundagelicals.  My Karma ran over their Dogma.

8. What is ‘flyball’?

That’s the mess of insects that you accumulate when you hang sticky insect strips in the cheap two-week vacation cottage that you rent.

9. Who introduced ‘WALKIES!’ into their training programmes?

The now-ex-pitching coach of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team.  The strike zone is 17 inches wide, and about two feet high.  Would it be too much to ask, to get the guys to put the ball through that, once in a while??  They were giving so many opponents a base on balls, that it looked like the world’s slowest conga line.

10. What is frontline used for?

That’s a product also known as Invisible Fence.  It’s a cable that you bury at the edge of your property, which emits a radio signal.  You put a collar on your dog with a receiver.  If he/she gets too close, they get tasered behind the ear.  Now, if I could just slip a couple of those on that Jehovah’s Witness pair who keep waking my dogs and me on Saturday mornings….

I Bagged Another Fibbing Friday

Another mixed bag last week, and Pensitivity101 is still looking forward to reading what I eventually come up with for these.

  1. Why do we say it’s raining cats and dogs?

The cats aren’t too bad.  They have two kitty-litter trays to choose from, but after we receive snow (like last week), the dogs get more than a little reluctant to venture into the white wonderland of the back yard.  They’re not Huskies, but I expected better from Scottish Terriers.  A spray bottle of cleanser/disinfectant/deodorizer and some damp paper towels erase the problem, and the exercise helps keep me limber and thin.

  1. What is meant by ‘The elephant in the room?
    See #3, below.  A washroom trip would have paintings on the wall rattling, and pets on the floor and knick-knacks on end tables in danger.
  1. What is downsizing?

 It’s what I had to do, two years after retiring from a manual-labour job that burned 3000 calories a day.  I stopped working, but I didn’t stop eating.  When I sat around the house, I sat AROUND the house.  Non-resealable snack bags contained ONE serving.

4. What is a Panto Dame?

She’s a good-looking, sexually-attractive, surgically-enhanced, plastic-filled, living, breathing Barbie-doll chick who has all the young bucks huffing and puffing, and slobbering all over.  We older guys don’t get so worked up anymore, we’re a little more restrained, not because we’ve got more couth, but because sad experience has shown that – like a dog chasing a car – even if we caught one, we’re not allowed to operate it.  And we’re out of gas.

5. What is pumpernickel?

It’s a geriatric retiree, living on a fixed-income Government pension, but hooked on gambling and casinos, plugging five-cent coins into the cheapest slot machine faster than a stoner flushing his stash when the Drug Squad comes to visit.

6. What’s the difference between poison ivy and poison oak?

It’s a matter of height.  If you get an itchy rash around your feet and ankles, that’s poison ivy.  Poison oak is when you get it up around the twigs and berries, and spend a fortune on calamine lotion.  👿

7. What is a plimsoll line?

It’s a ‘Time gentlemen, please’ offer, sometimes heard down at the Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell pub at closing time.

8. What are waffles?

They are unethical politicians (are there any other kind?), who will say anything and everything to get re-elected.  I support LGBTQThey’re a bunch of perverts. There should be an increase in the minimum wage.  These unchecked unions will bankrupt the country.

9. How can you beat inflation?

I tried to do it with 18” of broken rake handle.  The judge said that, if I obey the peace bond, and never enter that supermarket again, after a year, my conviction for assault on the grocer will be expunged.

10. What is catsup?

It’s this handsome fellow here, who sits outside my bedroom door at 4 AM, to loudly announce that he feels he should be fed.  😳

Sweet Sixteen Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 may be worried that, if she puts up an electrified fence or landmines, she might injure a dog.  She sent me the following list of prompts to lie, by special courier, in a Hazardous Waste container.

  1. Why is St. Valentine’s Day observed on February 14th?

Because it comes right before Family Day on Feb. 15th and there’s nothing that causes more families than all that romantic snuggling the day before.

  1. According to legend, what is supposed to happen if a groundhog sees his shadow on February 2nd?

That means that Russia has invaded the Ukraine, and somebody has set off a nuke.  Anyone inside the radiation radius only has a few days till their hair falls out.  The guys decide to eat, drink, and make merry Mary, but Mary got mad and went home, so they jumped for Joy, and she left too.

  1. Whether you call it Mardi Gras or Pancake Day, what is the day after “Fat Tuesday” called?

It is named Contest Day, when my wife and the Catholic Church strive to see who can take away more of my life’s enjoyments.
The young couple got married, drove to Niagara Falls, and registered at a honeymoon hotel.  They peeled off their clothes and tumbled into bed – where he rolled away from her, and seemed ready to go to sleep.  She said, “Honey, we just got married.  Aren’t we going to have sex??”  He replied, “I can’t.  It’s Lent.”  She said, “To who??!  And for how long?”

  1. What does Presidents Day commemorate?

The fact that great past leaders have become less important and memorable than sales on sheets, pillowcases and blankets at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  We have nothing to fear but…. that Wal-Mart may price-match.  Ask not what your country can do for you…. besides providing 200 thread-count Percale sheets and eider comforters.

  1. What is the story of Beauty & the Beast about really?

It’s about two acts too long – really!  It’s part of a series of psychological conditioning books that prepare you for the Bible.  The Sleeping Beauty story gets you to accept the idea of the Magic Apple.   If you believe in talking dishes and lamps in this tale, you’re ready to believe in talking snakes and donkeys, and a loud, obnoxious dictator character with anger-management problems, who holds people against their will and torments them, but He will love them…. If only they obey and love Him first.

  1. What allows Peter Pan to fly?

It’s not the FAA, the TSA, or Strategic Air Command.  They only let Santa Claus invade airspace.  I think that it might be the amount of meth that he tweaks, and the fact that he won’t stay in rehab.  …and you see fairies, and pirates, and crocodiles, and alarm clocks??!  Sure you do!  Here, try on this special jacket while we try to get you officially committed.

  1. Why did the princess kiss the frog?

She thought that doing it a second time might get rid of those genital warts.  😳

  1. What is Pinocchio about?

After Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast, it’s the third in the series of children’s mental formative books.  Thou shalt be forever manipulated by an invisible string-puller, and….  Thou shalt not bear false witness.  Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.  Thou shalt not steal.  Thou shalt not covet.  Thou shalt obey Big Brother – even when he is Father O’Grady.

  1. Why did Little Boy Blue need to blow his horn?

Because the inattentive idiot ahead of him was texting while driving, and got so distracted that he failed to move when the traffic-light went green.  It didn’t work, so Little Boy Blue called his dad, the Man In Blue, who rushed over, wailed his siren, and gave the Facebook updater two $300 tickets for obstructing traffic, and unsafe operation.

  1. Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill?

Supposedly, to fetch a pail of water – but water runs downhill – you’d fetch it from the bottom.  I think that it was so that they could book a room with cash in the No-Tell Motel, which is right next to The Stag Shop, where they picked up some edible panties, K-Y lubricant, and a couple of Adult Toys.  😯

Jack Fell Down

Jack fell down and broke his crown, and bureaucracy damn near killed him.

Actually, it was the wife who fell down.  She was just pulling up her pants after using the main-floor washroom, when her tinnitus, and other inner ear disorders upset her balance, and she keeled over backward, smacking her head against the door, and the floor.  Then followed five minutes of painful wriggling to move far enough so that the son and I could get the door open and help her up.

With COVID distancing mandates, it was three days before she even got a telephone interview with her doctor.  The doctor called at 2:00 PM.  When she heard of headaches, sleeping for 12/14 hours, and slurred speech, she suddenly insisted that we attend her clinic, immediately.

At 3:00 o’clock, she found bruising, and a droopy eye.  What we took to be a mild concussion, might be internal cranial bleeding.  She needs to know ASAP!  The city has two hospitals, but only one, shared, MRI machine.  A scheduled appointment could take weeks – too long.  She apologized, but said that, the only way to ensure an MRI today, is to go and sit in Emergency for seven hours.  Eventually, it will get done.

At 4:00 o’clock, we got the wife registered at Emerge.  It seemed simple.  Take the doctor’s work order out of the fax machine, and do the test as soon as a tech could be scheduled.  First, we waited twenty minutes to see a triage nurse.  She checked blood pressure, heart rate, blood-oxygen percentage and temperature, and directed us to the dreaded waiting room.  After another twenty minutes, another nurse showed up with a small cart, and took a blood sample for testing, and warned of a later urine sample requirement, and the need to see the on-call doctor before anything is done.

Then we settled in for the siege.  It is not first come – first served!  We know that she will be seen after the guy who slashed his fingers in a DIY accident, the woman with a bloody nose running down her face, and the young man knocked off his bicycle in traffic.  If we have to wait (and wait, and wait), at least we could enjoy the floor show.  Stupidity and larceny are in plentiful supply.

A chubby street hooker, with more ink than the New York Times, but no obvious distress, showed up.  A young homeless (?) woman, with a giant backpack and two stuffed shopping bags, managed to find a seat in the crowded room, to get out of the rain.  A young, female addict, who survived a minor overdose, stormed out and across the parking lot, still wearing the hospital’s blanket, and screaming, “Get away from me!  I don’t want to have anything to do with you!” at a boyfriend who has had enough, and is already half a block away.

Two security guards have an office with security monitors, just inside the entrance.  We caught a glimpse of them rushing outside, and chasing someone around the building.  Two male, and one female, Police officers patrol in and around the Emergency ward.  I looked for Tasers, but in tight quarters they might get grabbed.  At 6:00, I got her a coffee, and me a hot chocolate from the in-house Tim Hortons outlet, upstairs.  At 7:00 I got her a buttered tea-biscuit, and me a crème-cheese bagel.  It’s going to be a long night, and her diabetes needs to be fed.

At 8:00 a patrol-car cop brings in a young, female shoplifter.  He’s wearing a Taser, and she’s wearing handcuffs in front of her.  The wife later said that, around midnight, two cops brought in three young males involved in a bar fight, not only handcuffed behind, but also connected to ankle shackles.  One of them wailed that, He was just being paraded around, and everybody was going to know!

I had to reluctantly leave her alone at 8:30.  Our two little dogs have been locked in a cage for six hours.  The son needs the car to get to work at 10:30.  I was going to drive him across town, pick her up when she called, and drive back out to pick him up at 7:30 AM.  Already under work-stress, when he heard what was (not) happening, he took the night off, and ordered a pizza, because none of us was eating properly.

At 3:00 AM, she called to say that the (next-shift) doctor had examined her, and she was on her way to Nuclear Medicine.  At 3:45 she called to be picked up.  She entered the hospital at four PM, and finally got out at four AM.  The threatened seven-hour wait had stretched to twelve hours, for a five-minute test.  Thankfully, we now know that all is well.  Without any visible blood or injury, she still could have collapsed out of her chair at any moment.

Do you have a hospital horror story that you’d like to recount?  I will listen patiently, and commiserate.

Holy One-Liners

 

TV evangelists….
….do more than lay people.

People treat me like a God….
….They ignore my existence until they need something from me.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing….
….That can be a slippery slope.

The mailman just told me a joke….
….It wasn’t very funny, but he delivered it well.

When you die, people cry and beg you to come back….
….but when you do, there’s screaming and running.

Thieves stole twenty cases of Red Bull….
….I don’t know how these people can sleep at night.

My drug test came back negative….
….My dealer has some real explaining to do.

There’s no official training for trash collectors….
….They just pick things up as they go.

My wife wanted to learn to drive….
….I didn’t stand in her way.

The shinbone is a device….
….for locating furniture in a dark room.

I went to an acupuncturist….
….When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

Time may be a great healer….
….but it’s a lousy beautician.

Spiders are the only web designers….
….who are happy when they have a bug.

So, a burglar broke into the house….
….I put a red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.

If God had meant for us to vote….
….He would have given us candidates.


You read my doormat….
….That’s enough social interaction for today.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes….
….so she gave me a hug.

Day 12 without chocolate….
….Lost hearing in my left eye.

A dog accepts you as the boss….
….A cat wants to see your resume.

OOPS….
….Did I roll my eyes out loud?  😳

Dirty To Fibbing Friday

The last of the career diplomats having finally vacated their all-expenses-paid, five-star Conference on how to waste taxpayers money, pensitivity101 was able to sweep up another list of esoteric words for us to test our imaginations on.

  1. What are you if you are Mabsoot?
    CONFUSED!!!
    One translation program says that it means extendedness – like a family clan – in Urdu.
    One claims that, in Arabic, or Hebrew slang, it means a happy person. Another insists that it means a life-lesson and challenge. We would have to know just which delegate spewed this gem out.  Was it a Little-Sheet-Head Camel-Chaser pull-start, or a curry-flavored, forehead-dotted push-start??
  2. What does it mean to nidificate?

That’s the scientific term for the Nesting Instinct that some pregnant women get.  What is the Nesting Instinct? It is the name given to the distinctive urge to clean, tidy, and organize that occurs during pregnancy. One of the many pregnancy symptoms that they experience, the nesting instinct generally kicks in around the fifth month of pregnancy, however it can also occur much earlier or much later.  Of course, some women have that instinct all the time.  A chocolate box, and a chocolate Lab dog, are better companions and conversationalists, than a lot of men.

  1. What is a pabouch?

It is a baby, or the way a baby was carried by Indigenous American women as they performed little, day-to-day tasks, that didn’t involve being big man around the teepee.  Everything old is new again, so many modern women are using the same system, although I expect the Woke/Cancel Culture Vultures to soon start carping about Cultural Appropriation.

  1. What is quab?
    It’s the sound that a Danish duck makes. It’s a matter of accent. Norwegian ducks, like the one that Hagar the Horrible owns, pronounce it ‘kvack.’
  2. What is tacenda?
    It’s the new Iceland/Thai fusion food. Essentially, it’s a Sno-Cone with hot sauce.
  3. What does it mean to be ulotrichous?
    It’s a recently-coined neologism describing the actions and attitudes of the newly-formed Woke/Cancel Culture Thought Police. It is being judgmental and Holier-than-thou, with a side order of time travel. Remember when your teacher threatened that, “This will go on your permanent record!”??!  Well, it’s all coming true!  People are being tried, convicted, and sentenced in Star Chamber, kangaroo-courts of public opinion, of 1984-style thought-crimes – things they wrote and said, decades ago, before learning better, and changing.  😯
  4. What is waftage?
    It is a measure of how far and fast a bean and jalapeno burrito fart will spread in a closed room. If the dog gets up and glares at you, and your girlfriend’s eyes are teary, even if you’re not watching Eat, Pray, Love, you have good ventilation.
  5. What does it mean to yaff?
    That is a type of left-handed Lithuanian, or inverse, knitting, where the pattern appears on the inside. It’s not as pretty, but it is claimed to be warmer. Do not confuse this with TINK – which is KNIT backwards – where you have to rip out about 26 rows, because you made a mistake back there, and if you don’t go back to correct it, Aunt Eileen’s jumper is going to end up looking like a Moebius Strip.
  6. What is to yuke?
    To yuke is to play the uke, or ukulele. When exploring European sailing ships began stopping at the Hawaiian Islands, individual sailors sometimes traded hand-made, miniature 4-string guitars, or lutes, to the natives.

Sadly, they usually didn’t stay around long enough to explain about tuning them.  The natives developed a slack-sting playing style.  Like the oboe (below), and the Chinese two-string bowed banjo, they produce an eardrum-piercing, atonal cacophony, only exceeded when Fran Drescher played The Nanny.

  1. What is zabaglione?

It is a Music College in Parma, Italy, where the only instrument they teach is the mournful oboe.  I don’t know how much career opportunity there is in always being ‘The Duck’ in the Peter and the Wolf Symphony.  The rest of the orchestra claim that they use the oboe to tune up to.  I think they’re just trying to drown out that awful noise.

Straight Line To One-Liners

I went line dancing last night….
….Okay – roadside sobriety test – same thing.

Have you ever noticed ‘The” and “IRS”….
….spells “Theirs”?

Patience….
….What you have when there are too many witnesses.

If my body is ever found on a jogging trail….
….just know that I was killed somewhere else, and my body dumped there.

Forget world peace….
….Visualize using your turn signal.

Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers….
….Now they drink like their fathers

Damn right I’m good in bed….
….I can stay there all day.

Old age is when you still believe….
….you’re going to feel better in the morning.

Instead of a sign that says Do Not Disturb….
….I need one that says Already Disturbed!  Proceed with caution.

The wife and I had words….
….I just didn’t get to use mine.

Funny!!?….
….I don’t remember being absent-minded.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents….
….Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It was a whole lot easier to get older….
….than it was to get wiser.

It’s not hard to meet expenses….
….They’re everywhere!

I wish the buck really did stop here…..
….I could use a few of them.

Energiser bunny arrested….
….Charged with battery.

Early this morning, there was a tap on my door….
….My plumber has a strange sense of humor.

I just ate 12 pieces of KFC chicken….
…..It’s always been on my bucket list.

A shopkeeper told me to have a nice day….
….I didn’t – so I sued him.

The dumbest thing I ever did….
….was to become an adult.

I sympathize with batteries….
….I’m never included in anything, either.

All dogs are therapy dogs….
….The majority are just freelancing.

My wife’s not too smart.  I said, “Our kids are spoiled.”….
….She replied, “They all smell like that.”

Good Morning….
….I see the assassins have failed.

I took a urine test at the hospital today….
….My kleptomania is out of control.

If your outgo exceeds your income….
….then your upkeep will be your downfall.

A guy said to me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”….
….I replied, “No it doesn’t.”

Did you hear the rumor about butter?….
….Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.