The Ghost Of One-Liners Past

Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.

Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.

Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.

I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.

I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.

Procrastinators unite!….
….Tomorrow.

Bad decisions….
….make good stories.

Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.

Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?

I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I had a life….
….but my job ate it.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.

Three symptoms of laziness….
….No.  1

Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.

Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.

The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.

Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.

I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.

List Of ‘IST’ Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know what our suggestions were for this list of ‘ists,’ please.

1. Philatelist

These are OCD people like my loony-bin neighbour, who will only associate with men named Phil – like Phil Collins, Phil Silvers, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, golfer Phil Mickelson, and his dentist, Phil McCavity
.
2. Botanist

A botanist is any one of a gaggle of teenage girls, set loose with daddy’s credit card, in a retail mall.  A negativist is a person who warns that bricks-and-mortar stores will soon be extinct, and we’ll buy everything online and have it delivered.  Not while these frenetic females exist, and they want to try on every top, in every store, and test every shade of lipstick, before bragging, “See what I bot.”

3. Naturalist

A naturalist is a person who frequents a clothing-optional beach, or nudist colony, to acquire a tan without tan lines.  Many of them are strippers exotic dancers, but you’ve already met Dick Brown.  Just wait until he gets skin cancer, then he’ll be Spotted Dick.

4. Taxidermist

He’s one of the new urbanites, who works from home in one of those giant housing densification buildings, complete with its own retail/service area.  He doesn’t own a car because there’s only 100 parking spaces for 12,000 residents.  He very seldom physically leaves the building.  Most of his ‘trips’ are digital and electronic.  When he does go out, he relies on Uber, Lyft, buses, and cabs.

5. Anthropologist

‘Anthropo’ – a prefix indicating “manlike” An anthropologist is someone who expends time and energy, trying to prove or disprove the likes of Sasquatch, or the Yeti.  If they’re searching for hairy, ill-mannered, sub-humans who utter incomprehensible noises, they’d be better advised to frequent any Glasgow pub on Saturday night.

6. Scientist

“Science” means knowledge. A scientist is a person who asks questions of the Universe, to know how it works.  I tried doing that, but the Universe said, “Hold on!  I’ve got a question for you.  After tilting against the windmills of Disney and the Florida teachers, how the Hell does Ron DeSantis think he has a ghost of a chance to be president?

7. Strategist

A strategist is a person like Phil Harding, of the Time Team, who digs through the layers and tiers of rock and dirt, to find historical relics and ancient fossils.

8. Protagonist

A protagonist is an adult who wishes to get some exercise and fresh air, and shed some of the stresses and strains of modern busy and complex society by once again embracing the childhood games of yesteryear.  There are also promarblists, and prohopscotchists.

9. Pharmacist

Use your imagination!  I’d use mine, but it’s still stunned by that Ron DeSantis story.  I told you that I would someday post a three-legged dog – (or a nine-armed squid) – of an FF list.

10. Biologist.

A biologist is someone whose job it is to prove that you’re a hell of a nice person – as long as you’re dead.  It’s up to them to sift through your life, and assemble a quarter-page newspaper blurb about your achievements and successes.  Very seldom does it mention that the featured fictional character lived in a multi-million dollar mansion because they were a shark of a lawyer who created six acrimonious divorces, and four bankruptcies.  😦

.

 

Soup, To Nuts

We often give one set of neighbors some Christmas gifts, in the hope that they won’t bother us the rest of the year.  It seems to be working.

He has IBS – Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and can’t deal with gluten.  We usually take over a variety of our home-made Christmas cookies.  He appreciates the gluten-free meringues and oat delights.  This year, her Father came for a visit from the Buffalo area, and remained longer than usual, perhaps because of the huge storm that area got.  We made sure there were enough extra cookies for him, too.

This year, she retaliated.  Just because one of her ancestors united Italy into a single country, she returned the cookie tin after New Year, full of home-baked anise biscotti.

Hubby would also appreciate an occasional beer, but most beers have gluten in them.  There is a brewery in Montreal that specializes in gluten-free beer. They give it the cutesy name of Glutenberg.  They make a variety – lagers, ales, lights, darks – even alcohol-free.  The only one available locally is the lager.  Specially-brewed, it is fairly expensive.  The son gets him a four-pack of king-cans that cost $18 Cdn.

Work-at-home employees, or people who are laid off, or quit because of COVID, many might like a nice hot bowl of soup, or stew, or pasta, beside them while they remote-slave for the boss at the computer, or couch-potato binge-watch themselves into blessed oblivion.

She sewed up the above quilted, cute, Bowl Buddies, and gave us three of them – two alike, for the wife and I, and a different inner liner for the son.  I need three two hands to move something like soup or stew without spilling it.  I can’t just cup it.  The work-from-homers should perhaps keep their hot meal out of web-cam range, and might need to turn off the audio while they’re slurping their hot lunch during an online Zoom business meeting.

I doubt that she thought up these things herself.  Have any of my crafty viewers run into anything like them??  What do you think of them – good idea, or not??  😕

***

Now that I’ve actually done my own research, rather than relying on the goodness of others, I find that they are available on ETSY, for $14.06/ea – I assume USD.  There are also Bowl Buddies that will help you clean your toilet, and Bowl Buddies that keep your dogs from slopping water on the floor, so accept no substitutes.  They are reversible – so you can slop up both sides before laundry day.  Like me, she was searching for something on Etsy, and came across them.  She’s working from home, getting her day’s work done in half a day.  She said that she’s bored, and has a sewing machine, so she made them herself.  Anyway…. Chili for lunch tomorrow.  😀

Alcoholic One-Liners

Scientists studied the effect on alcohol on walking….
….The results were staggering.

Why is ‘abbreviated’….
….such a long word?

I still have a full deck….
….I just shuffle slower.

If the world’s human population held hands around the equator….
….a significant portion of them would drown.

Wal-Mart is giving out free school supplies….
….to anyone who can outrun Security.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar….
….and doesn’t.

Pavlov is having a beer at the pub when his phone rings….
….He jumps up and yells, “Shit!  I forgot to feed the dog.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber….
….ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.’

Gravity is a myth….
….The Earth sucks.

Change is hard….
….Just try to bend a coin, you’ll see.

A man walks into a bar….
….and is disqualified at the limbo contest.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins….
….so I drink several.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know.

How come 8 glasses of water a day is almost impossible….
….but 8 beers seems so easy?

People in Dubai don’t understand The Flintstones….
….but people in Abu Dhabi do.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo….
….Now I feel like such a good boy.

I believed that I could….
….but the cat was asleep on my lap, so I didn’t.

If 2022 was a drink….
….it would be a colonoscopy prep.

I told my suitcases, No vacation this year….
….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great….
….unless you compare it to not running.

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters….
….are allowed to start the day screaming.

If you love someone….
….let them nap.

If a black cat crosses your path….
….he probably has some important cat stuff to do.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song….
….but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Blue Sky One-Liners

Some people are like clouds….
….When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.

Some people try to turn back their odometers….
….Not me!  I want people to know why I look this way.

More wine….
….Less whine.

Cows eat grass….
….Therefore a steak is plant-based meat.

Hamburger helper only works….
….if the hamburger is willing to admit it needs help.

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano….
….For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

I live for two reasons….
….1 I was born.  2 I ain’t dead yet.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table….
….I needed a running start, but I made it.

I tried to Google “Directionally challenged”….
….but I couldn’t find it.

Some say ‘Life Is Short’….
….but I’ve been alive for as long as I can remember.

More than four cups of coffee….
….and you can talk to electricity.

Sprinters don’t eat anything before a race….
….They fast.

How to twerk….
….Step 1: Reconsider

I’m unsure which way to turn….
….to get treatment for my dyslexia.

I named my dog ‘Ten Miles’….
….so that I can tell people I walk ten miles every day.

I used to live hand to mouth….
….but cutlery changed my life.

I can’t even be bothered….
….to be apathetic these days.

Don’t give up your dreams….
….Keep sleeping.

If you think adventure is dangerous….
….try routine; it’s lethal.

Laughter is the best medicine….
….unless you have diarrhea.

My wallet is like an onion….
….when I open it, it makes me cry.

Relish today….
….Ketchup tomorrow.

If you’re not good at haggling….
….you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so that everyone’s clear….
….I’m going to put on my glasses

Writing my name in cursive….
….is my signature move.

😀

High School Comedy

Senior year religion class at my Catholic high school, our Deacon teacher asked, “What are the two words that you should never say to a Jehovah’s Witness?  The class was a wasteland of boredom.  Figuring, ‘what the Hell,’ I raised my hand and responded, ”Come in.”  Dead Silence!  You could hear a tumbleweed rolling by.
Just for the record, it’s “Happy Birthday.”

***

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. “My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie.”

Next came Tommy. “My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he’d give each of us a quarter.”

Third came Jimmy. “My dad is an electrician.” But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. “My dad’s a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e,” Johnny said. “And if he were here, he’d lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain’t never gonna spell electrician.”

***

TEA IS AN EVIL SUBSTANCE
Tea is much more dangerous than beer.  Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night.  I drank 15 beers up until 3:00 AM at the pub, while my wife was just drinking tea at home.  You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful and quiet, and headed to bed, but she shouted at me all night long, and into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, just don’t drink it.

***

I love it when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home, and she greets me with those three special words.
“Were you fired?”

***

When my wife asked, “What’s your favorite position in bed?” I probably shouldn’t have said, “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging!”

***

A woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing. The EMTs quickly arrived and placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then they began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” one asked. “Fifty-nine,” the patient answered, eyeing the blinking device on her finger. “What is that thing?” The EMT answered with a straight face, “It’s a lie detector. Now, what is your age?” “Sixty-three,” said the woman, sheepishly.

***

The three-year-old emerged from the bathroom smiling. “I brushed my teeth!” she proudly announced. “And then I brushed Wilbur’s.” Her horrified mother explained she shouldn’t have brushed the dog’s teeth and now they’d have to get her a new toothbrush. The next day, the girl asked, “Mommy, why did I need a new toothbrush?” Her mother answered patiently, “Remember? You used your toothbrush to brush the dog’s teeth, so you got a new one.” The youngster replied, “But, Mommy: I didn’t use my toothbrush on Wilbur’s teeth, I used yours!”

***

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain, gives hope for a lot of people.

***

Dog-Gone Humor

Two dogs were walking together down the street, when they were passed by another dog, driving a truckload of logs.
One dog turned to the other and said, “He started out just fetching a stick, and built up the business from there.”

***

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?”
The blonde said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”
The cop looked at her and said, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener!”

***

My doctor told me that jogging would add years to my life, so I started yesterday.  He was right.  When I finished, I felt ten years older.

***

Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.

***

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

***

My friend keeps saying:
“Cheer up, man.  Things could be worse.  You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”
I know he means well.

***

The new prisoner told his cellmate, “I won’t be in here long.” The veteran replied, “I dunno. Didn’t the judge give you six years?” “Yeah, but I know my wife’ll break me out. She’s never let me finish a sentence yet!”

Substitute Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 said thanks to Marla for providing our words last week.

What do you think these are/mean?

1. Bumfuzzle

It’s a great word to describe some of the more inept police officers.  The type who drops his doughnut in the car park, and then drives off with his paper cup of coffee on the roof.

2.  Gardyloo

With two Scottie dogs, and two cats, we have to latch the WC door during periods of constipation contemplation.  It’s difficult to concentrate on the business at hind, with two pair of beady eyes staring at you, or trying to Stand and Deliver with a cat stropping your ankles.

3.  Taradiddle

When I should have been doing research to find the meaning of this word, I was busy not cutting down the cherry tree, and I was attacked by a purple Koala with a kumquat.

4.  Snickersnee

This is the new roller-coaster ride at the Brighton Beach amusement park.  After a huge loop-the-loop, you go through a dark, tunnel section where they spray you with nitrous oxide – laughing gas.  You come out scared shitless spitless, but giggling your face off.

5.  Bumbershoot

That’s a good feed of albino asparagus – with cheese sauce.

6.  Snollygoster

Luckily, it was a type of extinct (If you’ll excuse the expression) flower.  Historical records indicate that its aroma was enough to make a corpse plant pull up roots and leave the neighbourhood.  The last example was crushed by a charging hippo in Mali, in 1874, and the only people who miss it are etymologists.

7.  Brouhaha

That’s when you think that you’re absolutely hilarious after a dozen beers, but no-one else does.  It’s not wry wit – more like rye wit.

8.  Wabbit

I was researching Scottish dialect, to try to get some inspiration for this word, but I just got so tired.  I was absolutely exhausted, so I lay down for a little nap, and by the time I woke, it was time to publish.

9.  Pandiculation

The batteries in my hearing aids went dead, but I think they’re talking about a Heinz catsup/ketchup commercial from the ‘70s.

10. Borborygm

Borborygm was the tribe of natives in Mali where that last snollygoster was found.  They were a strange people, dressing in feathers and flowers, with lots of strange makeup.  Elton John is said to have purchased the rights to their story.

Bagged Fibbing Friday

Here we go then, with Pensitivity101’s mixed bag from last week……….

1. What is boisterous?

That’s a group of young males having fun.  They can be loud.  They often shout and yell.  It’s the opposite of gurlsterous, where young females play together.  They screech and squeal in such high tones that neighbourhood dogs have their paws over their ears.

2. What is a womaniser?

That is Cerberus, the modern, three-headed Hellhound consisting of Woke society, and Presentism, aided and abetted by years of eating and drinking food from plastic containers, which leech out pseudo-estrogen, all contributing to Real Men™ becoming simpering wimps.

3. What is a faux pas?

It’s the front foot of the quick, red vulpine animal that jumped over the lazy, brown dog, which the nobility chase with horses – the unspeakable, pursuing the inedible.

4. Define plumber

A crack addict.

5. What is a sous-chef?

(S)He is a high-class victuals preparation expert, who does so using copious amounts of wine and various liqueurs.  Sometimes, they even put some in the food.

6. What is antisocial?

She is my Father’s younger sister, after she’s imbibed 5 or 6 “Medicinal toddies.’

7. Why did they call the wind Maria?

How do you solve a problem named Maria?  I thought they called the wind Mariah, but what do I know about music??  I can’t Carey a tune in a bucket.

8. Where would you find a kettle drum?

Underneath the big corn popper at the movie theater, or county fair.

9. What is a kango drill?

It is an Australian Military Band marching maneuver.

10. What makes bread rise?

Inflation!  😳  And petrol, and rent, and….

Supply-Chain Fibbing Friday

Pensitiviy101 passed the buck again.  Questions this past week were supplied by Jim Adams @ https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jim!

Early Humans

1. What are Neanderthals?

They are the white-skinned descendants of ancient caveman savages – with very little evolution or improvement.  They are hairy, loud, thoughtless and inconsiderate.  Good Queen Bess II once referred to them as jumped-up oiks.  They wear their pants pulled down so far that their underwear hangs out – We’re probably lucky that they wear any, and that it’s clean, not gigantic plumber’s cracks.  They listen to rap music, while Negroes point and laugh at them, and think they’re Bad Boys.

2. Why did man settle in the Euphrates Valley?

Mankind found a peyote-like shrub, and the best bud – after they discovered fire to smoke it with.  When Manolito set up a taco wagon, selling Mexican food and cervezas, they all decided to just sit back and chill out.

3. What caused the Ice age?

I’m not sure.  I remember my Mother yelling at me to close the refrigerator door.  No-one has put any new food in it since you last checked, five minutes ago!  At the same time, my Father was yelling at my Brother, “Close the damned front door!  We can’t afford to heat the entire neighbourhood!”

4. What kind of water is in the Yellow River?

The Isle of Dogs sits in the middle of it – lots of trees – lots of dogs – you do the math – just don’t eat yellow snow.

5. What is the world’s oldest city?

I believe that it’s Tampa, Florida, where the average age is 92.683 years, blue hair is as common as fire ants, and they all eat some strange poultry dish called the Early Bird.

6. Why did the Nile River rise every summer, overflow its banks, and flood Egypt?

Simple physics!  Heat causes thing to expand.  The summer is even hotter, so the water expanded.  The sand dunes got bigger too, but no-one noticed.  If you’ve seen one sand dune, you’ve seen…. Egypt.  😳

7. Who invented soap?

Many people think that it was Proctor and Gamble, but it was really a Wall Street advertising firm whose name has been lost in the mists of time a froth of bubbles, and a blizzard of hundred-dollar bills in promotional fees.  Duz does everything, and Ajax was stronger than dirt.

8. Why did Nimrod build the Tower of Babel?

He said that it was to get a better Wi-Fi connection, but I heard that his wife told him the mother-in-law was coming for an extended visit, and he needed someplace peaceful and quiet to re-string his bow.  (If you think that’s a euphemism for something, you’re probably phallically right.)

9. Who is the Scorpion King?

Duh-Wayne Johnson!  Didn’t you see the movie??  He’s taking over Chuck Norris’s spot.  Someone asked him how he got the nickname, ‘The Rock?’  He took a run at a lake, and skipped 15 times.

10. Why was the Great Pyramid built?

It was a practice session for I. M. Pei, for that monstrosity he inflicted on the Louvre and its patrons.  I don’t see the point of either.  He says that it’s because I’m too small.