Tag Archives: blogging

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Fibbing Friday Cookies

Here’s a second batch of words from Pensitivity101’s blogging colleague Archon’s Den suggested site.
What would you say these mean?

1. Accismus

It’s a mathematical term to describe other people’s relative value to you.  An oil-rich Indian chief in early 20th Century Oklahoma could afford three wives.  To the two plain wives, he gave each a bison pelt.  To his special pretty wife, he gave an exotic animal skin from Africa.  The two bison-wives each had one child, but his favorite birthed twins….  So, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

2. Apocryphal

This is an Engineering nerd, with a stereotypical pocket protector, and a pronunciation problem.  When he takes that little plastic sleeping bag-thing, and fills it with three pens with different-coloured ink, a well-sharpened #2 Venus wooden pencil, a mechanical pencil, a fine-tip marker, a text Hi-Liter, and a somewhat antique, but still functional slide rule, and jams all that into his shirt, along with a Texas Instruments Scientific calculator, he really has apocryphal.

3. Bridewell

That’s where they found my great-uncle’s wife, after she became a Karen.  He said they started out with two hearts and a diamond, but he finally needed a club and a spade to deal with her.

4. Festinate

That’s what your finger will do, if you get a splinter, but don’t remove it soon enough.

5. Snool

This is the ego-soaked, self-important president of my local HOA Committee – a true legend in his own mind.  He has more rules than a Stanley tape-measure factory.

6. Rendling

This is how you tear apart a Costco roast chicken to consume it.  The wife saw me do it, and asked, “Are you going to eat that entire thing all alone?”  I replied, “No, I’m going to have some French fries with it.”

7. Fanfaronade

I noticed on my way home, that a budding capitalist kid on my street has a drink stand on the sidewalk.  I would appreciate a citrus beverage, and would like to help his enterprise, but he’s Wwwaaayyy… up the block.  Maybe I could get Uber-Eats to pick it up for me.

8. Bloviate

After eating most of a gourmet pizza last night, with cauliflower, capers, red onions, pineapple, and anchovies, I rolled out of bed this morning –literally – with a distended abdomen that looked like the fat guy in the Monty Python skit.  I raced to the hospital, and while the ER doctor is fetching the special catheter to release all my gas, I’m using my tablet to look up “Flummery.”

9. Pudibund

Three things don’t lie, drunks, small children – and yoga pants.  This is also known as camel toe.

10. Rebarbative

Porcupine quills are like tiny one-way arrows.  They go in, but you can’t get them out.  Take your dog to a strong veterinarian with pliers.  Let it hate him.

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Smitty’s Loose Change #23

Snippets

 

Some frazzled, forgetful kindly, thoughtful person just contributed another $8.55 to my retirement fund.  I just extracted eight Loonies, two quarters and a nickel from the overflow chute of one of those in-store coin-counting machines.  It doesn’t compare to the $76 that I found last year, but every little bit helps.  I went back to the store two days later, for something I’d missed, and got another two dimes, a nickel, and a $1 token for releasing chained-up shopping carts.

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Let us not think of Freedom as the right to do as we wish, but rather as the opportunity to do what is right.

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If you had to change your name, what would the new one be?
Joe Shitz – instead of Bill.

How do you want to retire?
First, I’d wash and shave, then put my jammies on, then hop into bed.

List ten things that you know to be absolutely certain.
That there is only one thing, and this is it.

Which activities make you lose track of time?
Stopping at a jewelry store to get a new battery for my watch.

What are your future travel plans?
I don’t plan to travel to the future.  It’s difficult and quite expensive.  Besides, The Apocalypse is right around the temporal corner.  I’m just gonna stay right here now.

How would you describe yourself to someone?
Seriously undecided as to whether to say uninterested, or disinterested.

Describe your life in an alternate universe.
I’ve never been in an alternate universe.

Describe a family member.
It hangs off my right hip, and is just long enough to reach the ground.  You thought I was going to describe its neighbor to the left.  Sadly, that’s a very short story.

Where is your favorite place to go in your city?
Well…. The newest Wal-Mart has a nice clean washroom.

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I had hoped for a blog-theme prompt from my Muse, but I’m drawing a blank.

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Long-Stemmed Rose

The wife planted this beside our front walkway.  It hasn’t produced a flower, but it’s grown higher than the garage eave, and is reaching for the second-story window.

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Three Things Challenge – Names

There are two things that burn my ass, about parents who give names to their children – people with no imagination, and people with too damned much imagination.  If Elon Musk didn’t own a company that can do things that NASA can’t, he’d be in a small room somewhere, with plastic scissors and paste.

I expect his Seventh son – of 11 children – X Æ A-XII along with siblings Nevada, Kai, Saxon, Griffin, Damian, and Exa Dark Siderael, to sue his father and change his name as soon as it is legally possible.

On the other hand…. A woman in my home town had 5 boys, who she named Douglas, Darcy, David, Dwayne, and Derrick.  Even Alan, Bruce, Charlie, Dahlia, and Eddie would mix things up a bit.  Then there is Mama Kardashian – Kris – who gave girl K names to all five of her daughters.

Recently, Pensitivity101 posted the Three Word Challenge – POPPY, ROSE, VIOLET.  Over the years, we have probably watched as much imported British ‘telly,’ as we have American TV.  There was a Brit-Com titled Keeping Up Appearances.  The show centered around one of four sisters, who desperately wanted to improve her social standing.  Among other things, she insisted that her husband’s lowbrow surname – Bucket – be pronounced Boo-Kay.

A ‘60s flower child-mother had named them Hyacinth, Rose, Violet, and Daisy.  Apparently, there was a fifth, Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell daughter/sister named Poppy.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – L

I will never be a commercial writer.  I would like to think of myself as reliable and reputable, but experience proves that I’m as flighty as a dragonfly.  Schedules and deadlines and story themes are cast aside as quickly and easily as New Year resolutions.  My stick-to-it-iveness, too often comes unstuck.

Case in point – with more than two weeks of lead-time, this post should have been completed and in the bag.  Instead, I’m lollygagging around, composing a two-part response to some anti-gun nut.  It’s good stuff, if I may say so myself – and I do, but it’s the type of reason that a couple of these A To Z Challenges have been published on Wednesday, rather than their scheduled Mondays.

It’s because I am, in a long, complex and antique word

LACKADAISICAL

Without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; halfhearted: lazy; indolent

It does not mean that I have a shortage of pretty, bright flowers.  He’ll get it finished on time.  He won’t get it finished on time.  He’ll get it….  To paraphrase Roger Miller – I don’t Knuckle down, Buckle down, Do it!  Do it!  Do it!
To thine own self be true, and then thou canst not be false to any other man.
But I can’t even do that.  I want to write about what I want to write about, and I desperately want to do it while the Muse is upon me, before I forget it.  You wouldn’t believe the number of great posts that you haven’t got to read.  I believe in Quantum Entanglement.  It’s where a lot of my great ideas go.  😳

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The Laws Of The Internet

Constants and laws that you can always rely on

POE’S LAW

There is a point where it is almost impossible to distinguish extremism from satire of extremism.

STREISAND’S LAW

Any attempt to censor information on the web will lead to that information being widely spread.

ARMSTRONG’S LAW

The longer a conversation goes on without a mention of America, the more likely it is for some random American to bring up the moon landings.

MUPHRY’S LAW

If you leave a comment, correcting someone, there will always be a mistake in it.

CUNNINGHAM’S LAW

The best way to get an answer to a question is to answer it wrong yourself, and just wait for someone to correct you.

CAD’s THEOREM OF TOPIC CLOSURE

A smart post is less likely to receive a reply than a stupid post, because there is less to be said, but a really full and comprehensive post will bring conversation to a halt.

THE LAW OF ‘GO FAQ YOURSELF’

Any given question in a website’s FAQ will be repeated, at least once a week.

WADSWORTH’S CONSTANT

The first 30 minutes of any video contains no useful information.

COLE’S LAW

It’s just thin-sliced cabbage

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’23 A To Z Challenge – F

An author who had moved to southwest Texas was complaining about

FIRE ANTS

and wanted to know how to get rid of them.  The son kindly offered the advice that, napalm is usually sufficient, but to be really sure, sometimes thermonuclear is required.

While the arc of my life has not been a bright, brilliant, meteoric one, still, I am happy and satisfied with it.  I have run a good race.  I would very much like to keep running a little longer, although nowadays it’s more like just a fast shuffle.

As I approach 80, I am not morose about the inevitability that the end is approaching.  It’s just that I don’t get the feeling that “it’s over.”  There are still many things that I wish to do and see and experience.  I don’t want the ride to be finished.

It’s a feeling that many of us get, and it’s not just about our mortality.  I recently ran into a frilly little word which describes the emotion.

FINIFUGAL

Finifugal /fan· ee ·fyoo ·gal/ adj. Definition: The word finifugal is an adjective that describes a person who prolongs or tries to put off emotional endings.  It’s probably one reason why so many people ghost the end of their romantic relationships.

We’ve all experienced this feeling.  Finifugal is the resistance to the end of something.  As long as we’re living, we’re moving – and as long as I’m moving, I’m living.  I fully intend to take a couple of victory laps – but not any time soon.  I have a blogpost planned for The Last Time, as a bookend for The First Time one that I did some years ago.  I am pleasantly surprised by the small number of things that I’ve had to stop.

You keep coming around to read, and I’ll keep finding (allegedly) interesting things to blather about.

EXCELSIOR!

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Fibbing Friday From The Vault

Last week, Pensitivity101 explored her archives and found some questions set by Teresa Grabs.  Here is a selection of some more of her questions.

  1. What was the first thing you saw when you looked out the window?

I was awakened by the screech of tires.  When I looked out the window, I saw a number of official-looking Cadillac Escalades delivering an alphabet to me.  On the sides were printed – FBI, CIA, NSA, TSA, EPA, CSI, KPD, FEMA, SPCA…. and I think there were a couple more, UPS, DHL, even a KFC.

2.  What is your favorite way to prepare hot dogs?

It’s a trick I learned, working with a friend one summer in a fast-food booth near the beach.  Customers who wanted a hot-dog, often also wanted French fries.  While I was crisping the fries, I would drop a wiener in the hot oil with them.  The wiener sinks to the bottom.  When it’s fully cooked, it rises to the surface.  It’s ready in under a minute.  Take it out.  Pop it in a bun.  It even has a nice, light, crispy skin.  Customers loved them.

3.  What is one thing you covet more than anything else?

Covet!!  It says Covet.  I thought it said cover.  I was going to tell you about the 1959 movie, Cast A Long Shadow.  It starred Audie Murphy, an actor who was so short that he cast a shadow about as long as a pencil stub.  I’m on a rotation diet.  Every time I turn around, I eat.  My shadow is not only long, it’s very W..I…D...E.  When I go out to pick up my mail, 5 or 6 neighbourhood kids can cool off in my shade.

4.  You see the wishing star…what is your wish?

I know that he’s wishing that all these crazy fellow-fans hadn’t recognized him at the airport but…. please, Keanu Reeves, could I have a selfie and an autograph??!

5.  You don’t want the leprechaun’s gold…what do you want?

I want that big cast-iron kettle/pot that he’s got it stored in.  (Has Marie Kondo not showed you how to save space and store it in dresser drawers?)  I could make a GIGANTIC batch of chili in it – maybe even enough to share with the rest of the family.  😉

6.  What is the first thing you order at a vegan diner?

A taxi to get me to some place that serves real food.  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat salads.  I eat things that eat salads.  When I saw the name Greenleaf, I thought it might be a poetry bar tribute to John Greenleaf Whittier, full of hippie-types.  Maybe I could even score some weed…. You know, green leaf.  😎

  1. Where would you like to visit next?

I would like to re-visit a tiny little hamlet in East-Central Ohio, where an online friend and his wife live – no lie.  We managed to visit them for a few hours, ten years ago, and would gladly return for a day, a week, a month, but I’d soon need to return to civilization for the medical support.

It’s a (small) dot of nothing, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Amish.  When I came to this city, almost 60 years ago, it advertised itself as The Biggest Small Town In Canada.  It was not unusual to hear German /Pennsylvania Dutch spoken on the streets and in the shops, and see Mennonites – Canadian Amish-lite – and horses and buggies/wagons.  Decades of hot air and job immigration infusion have ballooned it out for miles, driving many Mennonites away.  I miss the feel of the countryside.

Any such trip is going to have to wait until some amount of financial sanity is regained.  Available funds in retirement are thin enough.  Years ago, I went to Florida with my brother, when the Canadian dollar was worth 75 cents/US – four of mine, to spend three of theirs.  I thought that was about as bad as it could get.  Between Trump and Putin, the Canadian dollar is currently trading at $.7256/US.  👿

8.  What is actually in the Doomsday Seed Vault?

The seeds for the likes of kale, chard, watercress, radicchio, chia, and all the rest of the food plants that the Yuppity Vegans try to tell us are good for us, but are really out to kill us.

9.  Who killed J.R.?

The LGBTQ2+ cabal.  Either that, or the Alphabet Mafia who visited me this morning.  😳

10. What is yellow snow?

That’s an indication that I’ve got the cheapest, but most effective home security system.  If any potential burglar manages to break in, even if I’m not home, the neighbours will call the cops with a noise complaint, to stop all that damned barking.  I don’t know if my two Scottish Terriers are territorial enough to bite a stranger, but if you don’t know the steps of the dance they do, you could easily be tripped, and land on your klarn.  😳

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’22 A To Z Challenge – K

 

I went looking for sauerkraut, –I don’t know why.  I should be able to smell it – and found a Cabbage-Head instead.

I am sometimes sooo… happy that I am saddled with the simple name of Smith, when I research the meanings of other people’s.

A reader made me aware of surname.com, but it only concentrates on English, Scottish and Irish names.  Bing has become more reliable, offering results from several sites.  One of them often does the job.  I also rely on Google Translate, though it does have its drawbacks.

I recently ran into a new, female blogger, who had married a man by the name of Kohlhepp.  This is a rare German name that I had never run into, here in ex-Berlin, Ontario.  I had to look it up.  The biggest problem with Google Translate, is that it does so literally, word by word, rather than idiomatically, with the meaning of the entire phrase or clause.

When I entered Kohlhepp, I got back cabbage–jerk.  Now, does jerk mean a sharp tug, or is he the guy with the big desk in the corner office?  Another rare, local German name is Dreisinger.  I know that it means Three Singers – but which three?  The Magi??  Larry, Shemp and Moe??  A Christian-based name from a church choir??

I may snicker a bit to find that Kohlhepp is a cabbage harvester, but in Germany, that’s an important job.  Somebody gotta make all that sauerkraut.

Here in Canada, we have an up-and-coming Federal politician named Poilievre.  In French, pois are peas, and lievre is a form of ”lever,” which means to lift or raise.  If Tennessee Ernie Ford were still alive, he would Bless his little pea-pickin’ heart.

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Twenty Ate Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had a Balderdash clustered around her site.  That’s a collective noun for a group of free-range fellow bloggers, so she decided that the theme would be Collective nouns this week.  Give it a try.  See if you can do any better.

  1. A dynasty of ………………………..

The worst ducking TV series ever aired.
2. A bevy of ……………………………

Empty pub ale glasses
3. A mustering of ………………………

Armed Services vets, at the George Santayana commemorative services, being held in your local Royal Legion, or VFW.  My Father was an ex-WWII member, then there was Korea, then Viet Nam, then Iraq, then Afghanistan.  😯  When will they ever learn?  When will they ever learn?
4. A scold of …………………………….

My wife’s constant nagging list of helpful suggestions to improve myself.  😉
5. A cast of ……………………………….

Teenage boys, practicing for the Darwin Awards Olympics.  After their arms have healed, they can try the ‘Dig A Huge Hole In The Beach’ challenge.  😯
6. A sedge of ……………………………

Water plants in the moat around my little country cottage
7. A comb of ……………………………

Thanksgiving turkeys.  I just go bananas for a big meal of tryptophan turkey and stuffing (myself).
8. A pod of ……………………………..

Tide detergent-eating challenges – for those who survived number 5.
9. A covey of ……………………………

C. W. McCall’s greatest hit – Convoy Whuzzat?? Covey, not convoy?  Oh Hell – just listen to it anyway.
10. A party of …………………………………

Actually, TWO parties – The one that threw Boris Johnson out on his arse – and the one the nation threw after it happened.

I will try to collect my wits – the noun for which is, black hole – before we meet again on Monday.