Fibbing Friday Cookies

Here’s a second batch of words from Pensitivity101’s blogging colleague Archon’s Den suggested site.
What would you say these mean?

1. Accismus

It’s a mathematical term to describe other people’s relative value to you.  An oil-rich Indian chief in early 20^th Century Oklahoma could afford three wives.  To the two plain wives, he gave each a bison pelt.  To his special pretty wife, he gave an exotic animal skin from Africa.  The two bison-wives each had one child, but his favorite birthed twins….  So, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

2. Apocryphal

This is an Engineering nerd, with a stereotypical pocket protector, and a pronunciation problem.  When he takes that little plastic sleeping bag-thing, and fills it with three pens with different-coloured ink, a well-sharpened #2 Venus wooden pencil, a mechanical pencil, a fine-tip marker, a text Hi-Liter, and a somewhat antique, but still functional slide rule, and jams all that into his shirt, along with a Texas Instruments Scientific calculator, he really has apocryphal.

3. Bridewell

That’s where they found my great-uncle’s wife, after she became a Karen.  He said they started out with two hearts and a diamond, but he finally needed a club and a spade to deal with her.

4. Festinate

That’s what your finger will do, if you get a splinter, but don’t remove it soon enough.

5. Snool

This is the ego-soaked, self-important president of my local HOA Committee – a true legend in his own mind.  He has more rules than a Stanley tape-measure factory.

6. Rendling

This is how you tear apart a Costco roast chicken to consume it.  The wife saw me do it, and asked, “Are you going to eat that entire thing all alone?”  I replied, “No, I’m going to have some French fries with it.”

7. Fanfaronade

I noticed on my way home, that a budding capitalist kid on my street has a drink stand on the sidewalk.  I would appreciate a citrus beverage, and would like to help his enterprise, but he’s Wwwaaayyy… up the block.  Maybe I could get Uber-Eats to pick it up for me.

8. Bloviate

After eating most of a gourmet pizza last night, with cauliflower, capers, red onions, pineapple, and anchovies, I rolled out of bed this morning –literally – with a distended abdomen that looked like the fat guy in the Monty Python skit.  I raced to the hospital, and while the ER doctor is fetching the special catheter to release all my gas, I’m using my tablet to look up “Flummery.”

9. Pudibund

Three things don’t lie, drunks, small children – and yoga pants.  This is also known as camel toe.

10. Rebarbative

Porcupine quills are like tiny one-way arrows.  They go in, but you can’t get them out.  Take your dog to a strong veterinarian with pliers.  Let it hate him.

Definition Of Proof

You Atheists say that you don’t believe in God because there’s no good evidence.  What would you consider to be a good reason to believe?

The correct answer is, God knows, in both senses!

I don’t believe in ‘God’, because I don’t understand what God is, or what it means to even say that a God exists.  So, what I’m looking for is not only good reasons to believe that a god exists, but, first and foremost, a definition of a god, and an explanation of what it means to say that one exists, that I can recognize as coherent.

The more smart-ass Christian Apologists like to add the gotcha phrase – in the possibility of the existence of God.  To an honest interlocutor, I will admit that there is no way to prove 100% positively, that “God” does not exist, but these desperate Liars For Christ will seize upon that tiny, slim chance, and shout, “There, you see?  You really DO believe in God – at least a little bit!” when I really don’t.  If I get angry or frustrated with their silly claims and say “My God,” or “God damn,” they jump right back with, “See, you said My God, so that proves that you really do believe in Him.” completely missing the point that, even if I believed in A god – MY god – I still wouldn’t believe in their God.  If you don’t believe in God, who do you give thanks to on Thanksgiving?  “Thank” is an intransitive verb.  It does not require an object, certainly not “God.’

While such debaters think that they have posed a really smart question, it is in fact, quite silly and stupid.  If Atheists knew of a good reason to believe in God – THEY WOULD BELIEVE IN GOD.  The fact that they don’t, means that they have never been presented with a convincing reason.  It is not Atheists’ responsibility to do Apologists’ job, and it’s not our fault that Theists can’t.

Many Apologists reject “Science” as if it were an entity in itself, or a conspiracy theory, because it posits information which contradicts what their religion claims.

Science is certain of Nothing, and requires proof of everything!
Religion is certain of Everything, and requires proof of nothing!

One Flew Over The Ego’s Nest

The most famous Atheist of the 20^th century found God.
(Writer’s note – No he didn’t! – Rebuttal below)
He Wrote a book about it.
I read the book.
Tickets to the Pity-Party are available for a nominal fee, at the box office in the lobby, as you exit the blog-site.

For fifty years, Antony Flew was the world’s best-known, and most vocal Atheist, a legend in his own mind.  He wrote a book titled There Is No God.  But he wasn’t your run-of-the-mill Atheist.  He didn’t merely not believe because he had not been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence.  He wanted to use words and debates and arguments and philosophy to prove that he was too smart to be gullible.

Just before he died, at age 80, he wrote another book.  The cover was identical to his earlier book, with the cutesy twist that, the word No was stroked through, and the word A was added.  The first half was about him.  Atheism was just an excuse to prove his brilliance.

He wrote and published a paper making some unsupported Atheist claim.  A year later, he wrote another paper, supporting the unsupportable.  He debated with a well-known Theist, and of course, won.  He wrote a paper rebutting and debunking another Theist.  He engaged in an ongoing correspondence contest with a Christian Apologist – and trounced him.  I’m surprised he didn’t dislocate his shoulder, patting himself on the back.

When he published the, There Is A God book, the Christian Apologist and Debater Society immediately adopted him.  The book’s blurb says, “The world’s most famous Atheist changed his mind.”  They clasped him to their bosom, and erected a life-sized cardboard cut-out of him, like Iron Man, despite the fact that his book specifically denies the existence of the needy, personal Christian God who knows your every thought, answers prayers, performs miracles, and hands out morality, and penalties for not obeying it.

He didn’t really change his mind; he just refined his reference points, and therefore his conclusion. He very unscientifically decided that there was some sort of underlying order and control to the cosmos.  He had ‘discovered’ Spinoza’s Deistic “God,” or Einstein’s.  He had found a (incorrectly spelled) Copernician, non-personal “God”.  He still had 26 angels, dancing on the head of a pin, but these ones were black-clad Goths, not golden, white-robed, haloed ones.

His statements – claims – were all null, because they had no referents.  The book is full of philosophical and debate buzzwords, open to interpretation.  He made claims based on ungrounded assumptions from unproven methodology.  The most common word in the book is IF!  If there is order in the Universe, GOD must have put it there.  If objective morals exist, then GOD must have commanded them.

The ‘Laws of Nature’ are descriptive, not prescriptive.  They are established by Mankind – scientists – who state observed reality.  Light does not travel at 300,000 Km/sec because God stands out in the cosmos with a crossing-guard paddle and a radar gun, yet Flew wanted to know “Who wrote the Laws of Nature?” with no evidence, no proof, that such a thing was even possible, or if it was, that it was a WHO that did it.

He firmly declared that he could not believe in Abiogenesis and evolution, that life – intelligence – could come merely from matter.  I guess that he was so busy being famous, that he missed the Miller-Urey experiments which proved that it was possible.

Yet another ‘Religious’ book that I was unimpressed, and underwhelmed by.  It seems that the only thing that Philosophy and debate prove, is that Philosophical debaters can be some very uninformed, ivory-tower assholes.

***

Later, I learned that the book was actually written by a Christian Apologist, with a Religious bias, who blamed credited Flew with having actually penned it.  After the cover claims that There Is A God, it shows Antony Flew as author, with Roy Abraham Varghese, as if he was only there to sharpen pencils, make coffee, and look up definitions.  Varghese wrote and published the book without Flew’s knowledge or authorization – Standard Practice!  😦  😳

’23 A To Z Challenge – O

FAR OUT, MAN!

How far, you ask?  You did ask, didn’t you?

I really enjoyed reading the science fiction books, and watching the TV series for, The Expanse.  Without exactly explaining the engines/propulsion systems, the writers showed that the spaceships were capable of incredible acceleration, and significant top speed.  Even at that, the authors showed that some of the longer trips could take weeks, or months.

Still, I don’t know whether the writers didn’t see their misconception, or were just dumbing it down simplifying it for their readers.  They wrote as if the planets and moons of the solar system were all laid out one-dimensionally, linearly, like beads on a string, as shown in the image above – but the system is two-dimensional.

Earth’s orbit is 93,000,000 miles from the Sun.  Mars orbits at 142,000,000 miles out.  Therefore, it is 142 – 93 = 49 million miles from Earth to Mars, right??!   WRONG!  Mars could be on the other side of the Sun in its orbit.  It could be 93 + 142 = 235 million miles away.  And that’s just our nearest neighbor.  When we get to the outer planets like Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, the orbital separation could turn those trips into years – or decades.  NASA launched Voyager 1 in 1977, and it only recently officially left the Solar System – 45 years later.

Which finally brings us to a Dutchman who had a celestial gravel pit named after him, the

OORT CLOUD

a region of our solar system far beyond the orbit of Pluto, in which billions of comets move in nearly circular orbits unless one is pulled into a highly eccentric elliptical orbit by a passing star.  The Oort cloud is the namesake of Dutch astronomer Jan Hendrik Oort, who first proposed the cloud’s existence. The surname Oort comes from Middle Dutch ort or oort, meaning “edge, corner, outermost point,” which makes the name Oort cloud serendipitously perfect for an area at the farthest reaches of the Solar System. Oort cloud was coined in the 1970s.

While the Kuiper belt is 30–50 astronomical units (AU) from the Sun and contains dwarf planets, the Oort cloud is a whopping 2,000–200,000 AU from the Sun and contains only asteroid-like objects.

 

Working Jokes

We had to oil a couple, and gas most of them up, but they’re all working now.  Working is no joke, so try some of this comedy instead.

***

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard; my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Would you call the boss at Old MacDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “Yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “Sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

***

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope.  Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

***

I was going up to bed a couple of nights ago, when the wife told me that I’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. I opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. I phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  I said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.

I said, “Okay.”  I hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and I hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at my house, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to me, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!“  I replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***

Don’t you hate people who come and knock on your door, saying that you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”? Stupid firefighters.

***

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is as healthy as a twenty-minute jog.
So I’m sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

***

Every month millions of women in America experience bloating, cramps, and fatigue.

But Taco Bell’s just too good to pass up.

***

Where do bad rainbows go?….
….Prism.  It’s a light sentence, and it gives them time to reflect.

***

 

’23 A To Z Challenge – L

I will never be a commercial writer.  I would like to think of myself as reliable and reputable, but experience proves that I’m as flighty as a dragonfly.  Schedules and deadlines and story themes are cast aside as quickly and easily as New Year resolutions.  My stick-to-it-iveness, too often comes unstuck.

Case in point – with more than two weeks of lead-time, this post should have been completed and in the bag.  Instead, I’m lollygagging around, composing a two-part response to some anti-gun nut.  It’s good stuff, if I may say so myself – and I do, but it’s the type of reason that a couple of these A To Z Challenges have been published on Wednesday, rather than their scheduled Mondays.

It’s because I am, in a long, complex and antique word

LACKADAISICAL

Without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; halfhearted: lazy; indolent

It does not mean that I have a shortage of pretty, bright flowers.  He’ll get it finished on time.  He won’t get it finished on time.  He’ll get it….  To paraphrase Roger Miller – I don’t Knuckle down, Buckle down, Do it!  Do it!  Do it!
To thine own self be true, and then thou canst not be false to any other man.
But I can’t even do that.  I want to write about what I want to write about, and I desperately want to do it while the Muse is upon me, before I forget it.  You wouldn’t believe the number of great posts that you haven’t got to read.  I believe in Quantum Entanglement.  It’s where a lot of my great ideas go.  😳

Rather Fishy One-Liners

I used licorice as fish bait….
….I caught all sorts.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of….
….Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Do you like steak jokes?….
….Good ones are rare.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet….
….They’re much harder to catch than cows.

Quantum Mechanics….
….The dreams stuff is made from.

If you break the law of gravity….
….do you get a suspended sentence?

On the depressing side of physics….
….gravity always brings me down.

With sufficient launch thrust….
….pigs fly just fine.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes….
….have made me a laughing stock.

Why are the fronts of Apple Stores….
….all windows?

What are the names of the two guys standing by the window?….
….Kurt ‘n Rod.

I once wrote a story about a broken window….
….It’s saved in my drafts.

Your Honor, I never told this young woman that I would take her to Florida….
….I just said that I was going to Tampa with her.

We should take a more organized approach….
….to chaos theory.

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

The wife suggested we go to a costume party, dressed as pheasants….
….I’m game, if she is.

Scrolls were replaced by tablets….
….Tablets were replaced by books….
….Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke….
….I put it here, about a week back?

I’m heading down to the Autopsy Club later….
….It’s open Mike night.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream….
….I can’t wait to rub it in.

Just so that everyone is clear….
….I’m going to put my glasses on.

Went to see a play called Breaking Bones….
….Amazing cast.

The worst part of being addicted to apples….
….You can’t see a doctor about it.

Oh man, a hyperbole totally ripped into a bar….
….and destroyed everything.

This sentence contains….
….exactly threee erors.

A recent study by statisticians reveals….
….that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

😳

Smitty’s Loose Change #21

One person’s dream is another person’s nightmare.  A Universe without purpose or guidance may seem, for some, to make life itself meaningless.  For others, such a Universe is invigorating.  It makes the fact of our existence even more amazing, and it motivates us to draw meaning from our own actions and to make the most of our brief existence in the sun, simply because we are here, blessed with consciousness, and with the opportunity to do so.

***

Science does not make it impossible to believe in God.  Rather, it makes it possible to not believe in God.  Without science, everything is a miracle.  With science, there exists the possibility that nothing is.

***

I researched two words/names in two different languages one day, Spanish and German, and wound up at the same spot.  I saw video of a terribly destructive tornado, so violent that it got named – El Reno.  What does ‘reno’ mean in English?  The first translation said it meant ‘reindeer.’

There’s not a lot of reindeer in Kansas.  Keep trying.  Further digging told me that “Reno” is often short for ‘Moreno,’ which means brown.

A couple of hours later, I got interested enough to investigate the name of a man I met, when I reluctantly went to church – Brunk.  It translates to ‘son of Bruno,’ and “Bruno,” in German, means brown.

***

Pedestrian dies after train crash
We had a train crash??  (An old) Someone stood too close to the tracks at a downtown, level crossing, and was brushed back, and later died.  Newspapers are also now engaging in clickbait.

***

In an effort to keep up with the Kardshians, a local middle-aged man recently died of cancer, leaving behind his children, Toni-Lynn, Tylor, Trinity, Timothy, Teeghan, and Tianna – fortunately, before Tiara, Tush, and Tostito were conceived.

***

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced, so that stupid people won’t be offended.

***

I’ve stopped asking, “How stupid can you be?”  Some people are taking it as a challenge. has officially stopped being a joke.  A local city councilman councilor, who was/is a very successful lawyer, used his own funds to hire two part-time assistants to aid him in better serving his constituents.

Instead of thanking and congratulating him for putting his money where his mouth is, several councilors have complained that they cannot afford to do the same, and are bitching about him creating an inequity, and an uneven playing field among councilors.  They don’t want to improve the bureaucracy one little bit.  They just want to drag him down to the lowest common denominator, so that they don’t look bad by comparison.  That ship has sailed!

***

What is one question that you hate to be asked?
This One!!  😈

Where would you go on a shopping spree?
To the local bank!!  I would love it if they had $5 bills on sale for $2.99/ea. and $20s at $16.99 – 2 for $30.

List Of ‘IST’ Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know what our suggestions were for this list of ‘ists,’ please.

1. Philatelist

These are OCD people like my loony-bin neighbour, who will only associate with men named Phil – like Phil Collins, Phil Silvers, “Dr.” Phil McGraw, golfer Phil Mickelson, and his dentist, Phil McCavity
.
2. Botanist

A botanist is any one of a gaggle of teenage girls, set loose with daddy’s credit card, in a retail mall.  A negativist is a person who warns that bricks-and-mortar stores will soon be extinct, and we’ll buy everything online and have it delivered.  Not while these frenetic females exist, and they want to try on every top, in every store, and test every shade of lipstick, before bragging, “See what I bot.”

3. Naturalist

A naturalist is a person who frequents a clothing-optional beach, or nudist colony, to acquire a tan without tan lines.  Many of them are strippers exotic dancers, but you’ve already met Dick Brown.  Just wait until he gets skin cancer, then he’ll be Spotted Dick.

4. Taxidermist

He’s one of the new urbanites, who works from home in one of those giant housing densification buildings, complete with its own retail/service area.  He doesn’t own a car because there’s only 100 parking spaces for 12,000 residents.  He very seldom physically leaves the building.  Most of his ‘trips’ are digital and electronic.  When he does go out, he relies on Uber, Lyft, buses, and cabs.

5. Anthropologist

‘Anthropo’ – a prefix indicating “manlike” An anthropologist is someone who expends time and energy, trying to prove or disprove the likes of Sasquatch, or the Yeti.  If they’re searching for hairy, ill-mannered, sub-humans who utter incomprehensible noises, they’d be better advised to frequent any Glasgow pub on Saturday night.

6. Scientist

“Science” means knowledge. A scientist is a person who asks questions of the Universe, to know how it works.  I tried doing that, but the Universe said, “Hold on!  I’ve got a question for you.  After tilting against the windmills of Disney and the Florida teachers, how the Hell does Ron DeSantis think he has a ghost of a chance to be president?

7. Strategist

A strategist is a person like Phil Harding, of the Time Team, who digs through the layers and tiers of rock and dirt, to find historical relics and ancient fossils.

8. Protagonist

A protagonist is an adult who wishes to get some exercise and fresh air, and shed some of the stresses and strains of modern busy and complex society by once again embracing the childhood games of yesteryear.  There are also promarblists, and prohopscotchists.

9. Pharmacist

Use your imagination!  I’d use mine, but it’s still stunned by that Ron DeSantis story.  I told you that I would someday post a three-legged dog – (or a nine-armed squid) – of an FF list.

10. Biologist.

A biologist is someone whose job it is to prove that you’re a hell of a nice person – as long as you’re dead.  It’s up to them to sift through your life, and assemble a quarter-page newspaper blurb about your achievements and successes.  Very seldom does it mention that the featured fictional character lived in a multi-million dollar mansion because they were a shark of a lawyer who created six acrimonious divorces, and four bankruptcies.  😦

.

 

Alcoholic One-Liners

Scientists studied the effect on alcohol on walking….
….The results were staggering.

Why is ‘abbreviated’….
….such a long word?

I still have a full deck….
….I just shuffle slower.

If the world’s human population held hands around the equator….
….a significant portion of them would drown.

Wal-Mart is giving out free school supplies….
….to anyone who can outrun Security.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar….
….and doesn’t.

Pavlov is having a beer at the pub when his phone rings….
….He jumps up and yells, “Shit!  I forgot to feed the dog.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber….
….ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.’

Gravity is a myth….
….The Earth sucks.

Change is hard….
….Just try to bend a coin, you’ll see.

A man walks into a bar….
….and is disqualified at the limbo contest.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins….
….so I drink several.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding.  I wouldn’t know.

How come 8 glasses of water a day is almost impossible….
….but 8 beers seems so easy?

People in Dubai don’t understand The Flintstones….
….but people in Abu Dhabi do.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo….
….Now I feel like such a good boy.

I believed that I could….
….but the cat was asleep on my lap, so I didn’t.

If 2022 was a drink….
….it would be a colonoscopy prep.

I told my suitcases, No vacation this year….
….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great….
….unless you compare it to not running.

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters….
….are allowed to start the day screaming.

If you love someone….
….let them nap.

If a black cat crosses your path….
….he probably has some important cat stuff to do.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song….
….but the chick peas can only hummus one.