Cycling Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 gave us more recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator:

1. What is the most intelligent life form on Earth?

Sasquatch, and their Asian cousins, Yeti, for staying so far away from humans that they are just rumors and myths.

2. Why did we really go to school?

So that Mum could congregate with the rest of the neighbourhood Wine For Lunch Bunch.  Sometimes mine would call Nan, and apologize.

3. What did teachers do during recess?

Lines!  Back in my day, it was Canadian Club.

4. How did you get to school?

With special dispensation from the local School Board, and only after Mom and Dad signed the Special Waiver, guaranteeing to hold them blameless.

5. What was life like before the Internet?

It was a lot like Real Life.  Since the advent of the Internet, it’s been a Cosmic Joke that no-one gets.

6. What is the best thing about social media?

Being able to opt out, and ignore its seductive siren call.  Using this life plan, I have personally rescued 47 IQ points from being destroyed.

7. What is your favorite thing to put chocolate sauce on?

That was a stripper Exotic Dancer, who called herself Cherry.  But that was long ago, and far away.  Now for an exciting evening, I put Ben-Gay on my right hip.

8. Doctors were all wrong…humans don’t need water. What do they need?

REVENGE!  👿  Tell the boss you don’t think that my work is up to company standard??  You’ll rue the day.

9. Dolphins are not mammals. What are they?

They are the Orca’s equivalent to the Internet.  If you are lucky enough to see one, it’s not just frolicking for humans.  It’s rushing an order to get Free Willy, tickets to the Taylor Shamu concert.

10. There is a Lost Dutchman’s Mine, but where is it?

The treasure-map said to go to the North Pole, turn west, and take 143 paces, but I think it’s up in Nelly’s room, behind the wallpaper.

Recovery Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101’s short edition, just questions to lie your socks off to.

1. What is an orderly? – No-one in my clan. Google Chaos, and the top result is our family portrait.
2. What is an auxiliary? – Just like, in the UK, they say ‘arse,’ instead of ASS, In North America, ‘auxiliary’ is a euphemism for ‘axillary,’ which means ‘armpit’, as in Donald Trump’s renewed attempt to become the President of the United States has made Mar-A-Lago the political armpit of America.
3. What is a clip? – It is both the haircut, and the $58 that Haircuts-R-Us charges mostly-bald guys.
4. What does ECG mean? – It means that you’ve reached that point in life where you’ll have to learn a bunch of medical initialisms – EKG, CBC, EEG, MRI….WTF, DNR, and every name in your Little Black Book has DR. or MD after it.
5. 5.  What is The Crash Team? – Three of the wife’s sisters.  They maintain their driving license, just in case hubby has a heart attack, but they learned to park by ear.  Back up till it bangs.  Turn left, right here.  Turn signals are for wimps.  I hear they’ve opened a training school for demolition derby drivers, and are the darlings of the local body shops.6. What is a candy striper? – The cake decorator who puts the special script on the icing.

   7.  What is an IV? – Four PM on a sundial.
   I’ve heard that the Government wants to ban Roman numerals….
   ….Not on my watch!

   8.  What is a call button? – A clickable screen icon for when you are playing online poker.

   

   9.  Why is everything white? – Because you’re having a near-death experience. Don’t worry!  Both Heaven and Hell have rejected you.  You’re about to get a cold reboot, (Thanx to a handy defibrillator) and things will soon be normal again.

   10. Why don’t they have biscuits on the tea trolley? – It must be a supply-chain problem, and nothing to do with the fact that I got a job in the kitchen.

Fibbing Friday Older Than Me

Pensitivity101 says that these are recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator:

1. Jonah wasn’t swallowed by a whale…he was swallowed by an ____. Unceasing, never-ending, monsoon of useless, feel-good, corporate regulations, since Wendy Woke became head of H.R.

2. Who (or what) could make even the fiercest pirate quake in his boots?  Not ants in his pant, but termites in his wooden leg.

3. What did Huckleberry Finn have to really paint?  He had to paint over the fact that it was really Tom Sawyer, and that it was really whitewash, not paint.

4. What is the best food that can be paired with red wine?  Uber Eats.

5. What are you wearing in the sun?  Just a smile and a Jantzen.  I tried to join the local nudist colony, and just wear the smile, but management said that could cause a heart attack – mine – or someone else’s.

6. Why do dogs chase after cars?  I took my dog duck-hunting, but I couldn’t toss him high enough.  At least with cars, he thinks he has a chance to catch one.

7. What did the cat say to its kitten about the humans?  Meow, meow, meow, meow!  Meow, meow, meow, meow!  Translation here.

8. Goldfish are not fish. What are they?

Little crackers – until they get soggy.  Then they’re real fish food.

9. What would you rather do instead of sleeping?  Wanna hear a joke about sleeping?  Eight hours.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.  Jeff Foxworthy says that, when you’re young, and you have a choice between sleep and sex, you choose sex.  When you get older, and married, and have kids, you choose sleep, and just hope to have a dream about sex.  As an ever-aging senior with a wife whose CPAP machine is devil-possessed, and my own broken sleep cycle, I’d just like to have a dream about sleeping.

10. The Phantom didn’t haunt the Opera House…he haunted the ____  Super Bowl stadium to get a Taylor Swift autograph.  Personally, I don’t watch football, so I don’t know who this Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.

Sadly Amusing

What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard someone say??  The following is a collection of some real gems.

Someone in our group lost a flip-flop in a river.  We all watched it float downstream.
Someone else in the group said just to be patient, because eventually it will do a full loop and come back.

I dated a girl who thought that sea-horses were the size of real horses.
She was so disappointed at the aquarium.

I was solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Some guy asked me how many sides it had, and could I make them all blue.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) thought that the island of Guam could tip over if too many people got on one side.

I dated a girl who thought that “the hole in the ozone layer” was where the space shuttle came through to land.

A woman at a neo-natal clinic thought that her baby’s soft spot was what he breathed through, like a whale’s blowhole.

My wife has a friend who honestly believes that you should not go out during a full moon, because you will get moonburn.

“What year did this happen?”
We were watching Lord of the Rings!

I had to break the news to a couple of kids that, when you are grown-up, you don’t get summers off.  I felt bad, but they deserve to know, I guess.  To be fair, they both had mothers who didn’t really have regular jobs, and it didn’t occur to them, because their mothers were home with them all summer.

Years ago, I was watching MTV Street Smarts with a man I had recently met.  The question asked on the show was to put these events in chronological order, from oldest to most recent – the civil war, walking on the moon, and the Ice Age.  I snorted, and joked about what a ridiculous question it was.  He did not seem to be amused, so I asked him, You know this, right?  He replied, “I’m not good with dates.”

If you drink a Coke, and then a diet Coke, the calories cancel out.

You have your facts, and I’ll have my facts.
It’s crazy how many grown adults still don’t understand that opinions are not facts, or worse, that opinions can be facts if spoken loud enough.

I had someone in a college history class, seriously and with a straight face, ask who this Hitler guy was, halfway through a WW II unit.  We all just stared at her for 5 seconds.  Then the professor told her, “Come see me in my office after class.  You’ve got some catching up to do.”  Bless him.  He handled it so well.

I’m allergic to Oxygen.
I asked if they meant Oxycodone, but no, they insisted they were allergic to Oxygen.

Years ago, a guy I worked with said, “Those people in Ireland must not be paying their taxes.  The IRS keeps bombing their homes.”  That’s not the IRS, you idiot!  It’s the IRA!  That’s what I meant, the Internal Revenue Association.

I was microwaving some leftover food.  I hit the 1 for one minute.  My friend asked, “Why did you hit one minute?  I usually just put mine in for 60 seconds.”  I had to explain that they were the same thing.  We were in high school together.
I explained to another friend that 90 seconds was the same as 1:30.  They insisted that 1:30 was more, and called me crazy.

A manager at my old job asked me if Alaska was an island near Hawaii.  That’s what it looked like on the map.  They also asked if they could get an STD from breathing the same air as a person with an STD.  And they were in charge….  🙄

When I worked at Starbucks, it was a common question from customers to explain the difference between a hot drink, and an iced drink.

I don’t have a girlfriend because females are intimidated by my career
He was the Assistant Manager at an Outback Steakhouse.

A guy I worked with told me that he was trying to lose weight by cutting down on pasta.
I haven’t had pasta in three weeks, and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
That’s awesome, but what do you have in your hand there?
Mac and cheese.
I thought you said you haven’t had pasta.
I haven’t.  This is mac and cheese.

How long does it take for the meat to grow back on the cow after you shave it off?

There’s no difference between turkey and ham.  They both come from birds.
I guess pigs really can fly in their world.
A college friend very seriously asked, If beef comes from cows, and pork comes from pigs, what animal does chicken come from?

I knew someone who thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing.  She was 18, and just graduated high school.

“Well, she never got pregnant before.” after his girlfriend got pregnant, and I asked him why he didn’t use protection.

While I was at an orientation for a Masters Program at Yale, I mentioned that I was from New Mexico.  Another person who had got into Yale for a graduate program asked me what the immigration process had been like.  I like to tell this story to anyone who acts as if an Ivy League education is somehow a mark of intelligence.

…. Chicken parm isn’t vegan??

These fireworks got wet.  I’m gonna dry them off in the microwave.

My daughter just tried to tell me that plutonium doesn’t come from Pluto.  Oh well, it’s good she’s cute.

The wife’s older brother argued with her Grade 9 Science textbook, where it said that white is the combination of all colors, and black is the absence of color, because everybody knows that white is no color, and black is all the colors mixed together.

😮

’23 A To Z Challenge – P

When people talk about me – and they do – in hushed tones, until the medical-transfer van arrives – Dear Lord, Anne, he does jabber on, doesn’t he?  I thought he’d never shut up.  He just goes on and on, and on, and on.  I’ve learned my lesson.  Never again will I ask if there are any questions at a production meeting, when he’s there.  I thought Bob was going to pee himself before he finally shut up.  It was like he had an oral orgasm – a

PLEONASM

Verbosity; The use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy.

He was just spewing random trivia in all directions.  I see how Monica Lewinski got the stains on her blue dress.  And he just kept raising rhetorical questions, without letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.  I think that he breathes through his ears.  That could be fun in the bedroom, but not in the boardroom.

The mental-health attendant said that they’ll give him some Lithium treatment, and he should be quiet when he comes back to work Monday.

😀

’23 A To Z Challenge – O

FAR OUT, MAN!

How far, you ask?  You did ask, didn’t you?

I really enjoyed reading the science fiction books, and watching the TV series for, The Expanse.  Without exactly explaining the engines/propulsion systems, the writers showed that the spaceships were capable of incredible acceleration, and significant top speed.  Even at that, the authors showed that some of the longer trips could take weeks, or months.

Still, I don’t know whether the writers didn’t see their misconception, or were just dumbing it down simplifying it for their readers.  They wrote as if the planets and moons of the solar system were all laid out one-dimensionally, linearly, like beads on a string, as shown in the image above – but the system is two-dimensional.

Earth’s orbit is 93,000,000 miles from the Sun.  Mars orbits at 142,000,000 miles out.  Therefore, it is 142 – 93 = 49 million miles from Earth to Mars, right??!   WRONG!  Mars could be on the other side of the Sun in its orbit.  It could be 93 + 142 = 235 million miles away.  And that’s just our nearest neighbor.  When we get to the outer planets like Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, the orbital separation could turn those trips into years – or decades.  NASA launched Voyager 1 in 1977, and it only recently officially left the Solar System – 45 years later.

Which finally brings us to a Dutchman who had a celestial gravel pit named after him, the

OORT CLOUD

a region of our solar system far beyond the orbit of Pluto, in which billions of comets move in nearly circular orbits unless one is pulled into a highly eccentric elliptical orbit by a passing star.  The Oort cloud is the namesake of Dutch astronomer Jan Hendrik Oort, who first proposed the cloud’s existence. The surname Oort comes from Middle Dutch ort or oort, meaning “edge, corner, outermost point,” which makes the name Oort cloud serendipitously perfect for an area at the farthest reaches of the Solar System. Oort cloud was coined in the 1970s.

While the Kuiper belt is 30–50 astronomical units (AU) from the Sun and contains dwarf planets, the Oort cloud is a whopping 2,000–200,000 AU from the Sun and contains only asteroid-like objects.

 

Definition Of Disbelief

She started off by claiming that Atheism was a faith – an unfounded faith.  Things went downhill from there.

Atheism is not a conclusion based on evidence, and therefore is a faith.  You can’t prove to me that God doesn’t exist any more than I can prove to you God does exist.

Christians (And other religious) insist that a God exists. Therefore they expect Atheists to, just as firmly, insist that no God exists! A slim few Atheists do insist that, and it’s a faith, just as strong, and just as needful of proffered proof, as Christianity.
Most Atheists merely state that they are not convinced by your claims/definitions/description (Or any other such claims) that your particular version exists. No faith is required to feel that you are wrong, deluded, gullible, and/or unconvincing. Proof of strong belief of existence, is not proof of actual existence.

Your first paragraph is accurate.  That most atheists are quiet about their beliefs may be true also.  When it comes to a “feeling” for which “no proof is necessary” you are defending agnosticism, not atheism.  Now you’ve blown off your steam.  Go away.

Agnosticism is about knowledge. I don’t know that no God exists – and don’t make that claim. Atheism is about belief. I do not believe that any definition of God which has ever been presented to me is true, or possible. I accept the label “Atheist,” because it is the most commonly known one. I am actually an Igtheist because I have never heard/read a coherent, convincing definition. Almost every Christian has a different one from every other Christian. They can’t all be right – but they can all be wrong.

Apparently, to Igtheists, the words “go away” have no meaning.

They mean that you cannot, or will not, defend claims that you have made.

I direct your attention to the reality that the most recent pollution of uncomprehending and therefore entirely egregious as well as inaccurate ugliness offered by you as a “comment” has been erased.

I do so to save you the trouble of excreting any more of them, as they will meet the same fate.

LOOOOOVE you, BROOOOTHER.

None too innocent bystander:

You do seem to get cranky when you are shown to be wrong.

I get cranky when I prove myself right and am ignored in favor of small minded persistence is circular and unproductive mutual dissention.

You now qualify for this category, so please take your need to insult and to argue someplace (there are many) where it will be appreciated and responded to in kind, instead of deleted, as it will be if you continue to feel the need to deposit evidence of it here.

Supportive commenter

Regarding to my own experiences, no one is discussing more often about religion than atheists.

I am truly bewildered!! Please explain why you made this comment. Even if it were true…. SO WHAT??! Precisely what are you attempting to imply – and what, if anything, does it have to do with this discussion??

To commenter

This idiot doesn’t even deserve your spit. He denigrates, you praise. He dithers, you act. He destroys, you build. Ignore him.
Michael, my friend: You will have received notification of a second reply from this parasite ~ I trashed it, no need to waste your time communicating with someone who only wants to argue. Just keep up with your wonderful work ~ you are very loved.

To me

It’s bad enough you afflict me with your vapid negativity. Please refrain from verbally assaulting my readers. One more time for the very. Very stupid:

GO.

AWAY.

If you go out in public, people will see your warts!  This is a public forum.  If you don’t want public discussion, do as other frightened Christians do, disable comments, or do as you did above, and delete any that you don’t agree with or don’t like!
BTW:  I didn’t ‘assault’ your reader.  I asked a respectful question to gain understanding.

That’ll teach those rascally Atheists and other questioning non-believers!  Just delete any comments that you don’t like, and can’t refute.  Justify it by calling them hateful.  BTW: While you were busy going all Cancel Culture, you forgot to call Atheists, “Woke.”  The level of vituperation was just astounding.  Hell hath no fury like a Christian scorned.  🙄

 

A I

Canadian translation – Eh?, Aye!

It has been said that, Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.  Fear not, ladies and gentlemen, both are being improved on a daily basis.

I recently turned on my computer.  It came up to MSN – my home page.  Beneath the search bar was a list of my recent search terms – including ‘asylum.’  No.  NO!  NO!  You lying bastard.  Asylum is not MY search term!  It’s yours.  I asked about the company, Alsym, and you presented me with a page on the word ‘asylum.’  I had to increase the search term to energy company, Alsym, before you would admit that it even existed.  You’re supposed to know more about it than me.  😳

In an online discussion about the ongoing war in the Ukraine, someone mentioned a similar occurrence in the European country of Georgia.  Instantly, some sweet young thing whose IQ numbers almost equaled her bra size protested.  “Georgia isn’t in Europe!  It’s a state in America.  Don’t you guys know anything??”

It’s hard to argue with that.  It is, indeed, a southern state in America…. however, it’s also a European nation near Turkey, named for an entirely different George.  Don’t you narrow-minded, isolationist, MAGA-hat rednecks know anything?

I recently read a story wherein the author had a small group of U S Federal Marshalls, tacked up, and ready to roll.  That sounded to me, like a shopping list on a corkboard, so I began to research.  It turns out that he actually intended to refer to their equipment like horse tack – bridle, reins, saddle, etc.

I wanted to explore the existence of the word ‘tacced’ – possessing or accoutered in tactical gear- armed forces, police, etc.  It seems that I am forever researching non-common, often recently-coined words, like klicks for kilometers, or mikes for minutes.  This is specialized language, not yet added to many dictionaries, so I approached Bing.

I typed in, ‘meaning word “tacced.”  I got back an entire page about the meaning of the word tagged, and a note saying/asking, this is the meaning of the word tagged.  Did you want only information about the word ‘tacced?’
“CLICK!”
Here’s an entire page about the meaning of the word tagged, did you want only information about the word tacced?  🙄

I was going to say, “And people wonder why I’m a Grumpy Old Dude,” but I don’t think there’s any question anymore.  👿

I watched a short YouTube video which seemed to be a portion of a Tik-Tok.  I came in, in the middle of a dispute between, what appeared to be a pretty Influencer, and a live female audience member.  The audience gal demanded
Why would you say that?  How can you make that claim??!
I read it in a book.
Yeah, right, you read a book? Name me ten books you’ve read!
(Strange request – pause thinking)
Name me ONE book you read!
I read Game of Thrones.
Now I know you’re lyin’, Bitch!  That’s a TV series.

White supremacists used to subject Blacks to (fake/biased) intelligence tests, to prevent them from voting.  I strongly suggest that we begin applying intelligence tests to folks like these, or it’s gonna be Trump In ’24!  😥

The Laws Of The Internet

Constants and laws that you can always rely on

POE’S LAW

There is a point where it is almost impossible to distinguish extremism from satire of extremism.

STREISAND’S LAW

Any attempt to censor information on the web will lead to that information being widely spread.

ARMSTRONG’S LAW

The longer a conversation goes on without a mention of America, the more likely it is for some random American to bring up the moon landings.

MUPHRY’S LAW

If you leave a comment, correcting someone, there will always be a mistake in it.

CUNNINGHAM’S LAW

The best way to get an answer to a question is to answer it wrong yourself, and just wait for someone to correct you.

CAD’s THEOREM OF TOPIC CLOSURE

A smart post is less likely to receive a reply than a stupid post, because there is less to be said, but a really full and comprehensive post will bring conversation to a halt.

THE LAW OF ‘GO FAQ YOURSELF’

Any given question in a website’s FAQ will be repeated, at least once a week.

WADSWORTH’S CONSTANT

The first 30 minutes of any video contains no useful information.

COLE’S LAW

It’s just thin-sliced cabbage

Fibbing Friday Royale

Last week’s Fibbing Friday from Pensitivity101 was based on a fictitious major event to which you, the reader, were invited. Below are 10 questions to lie about: Give them your best shot!

1. What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?

So, they caught up with you too??!  I’ve got a friend who knows how to disable CCTV cameras, but she wants a few bucks.  Wanna go halfsies?

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.

I would begin by quietly informing her that the Red Hat Society meeting was in the adjacent hall.  If that wasn’t successful I would stand up to take photos – six or eight times – ‘accidently’   knocking her millinery masterpiece on the floor.  I might even try to assist her putting it back on, and skewer Meh-Damn’s Madame’s ear with a hatpin.  It’s too bad that smoking in public has been banned.  I Someone might burn her hat and her hair-sprayed coiffure to the ground.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?

An Etch-A-Sketch – with a pinhole camera in the back.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?

Wake them??!  Hell, I’d use their shoulder as a pillow.  If anything resembling ‘exciting’ occurs, I’m sure they’ll notify me – might even make a new friend.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?

The guest of honour, and all support staff, appear to think that I should give a damn.  I had six or seven gin and tonic antidotes to that at the local, before I arrived.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’re supposed to go, what do you do?

Me??  Not know where the food is??  Shirley surely you jest, and stop calling me Shirley.  Follow my nose – or just follow the rest of the ravening horde.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?

Make LARGE talk!  Wave my arms – one of which has a full drink.  Declaim loudly, and at great length, about what a genius Shakespeare was, and how he must have been a time-traveler, because the psycho-socio-political plot of Hamlet so closely matches the reign of Emperor term of President Trump – until there’s no-one left near the rumaki.  I love those little fellows.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?

Count the number of times each speaker uses a phrase like, lay in wait, instead of ‘lie,’  or, I could care less.  The loser winner would receive a free, elementary-school English textbook.  There should be lots available.  Obviously they’re not using them in the schools.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?

The solution is in the challenge.  Being a man of few words – I’ve said them.  Is the bar open?

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?

Use my Smart phone to download such songs as Goodnight Irene, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Sleepwalk, Sweet Dreams, Talkin’ In Your Sleep, and the Everly Brothers’, Wake Up Little Suzie, to pass the time till the janitor comes in to open back up again in the morning.  I wouldn’t call the wife, though.  I want her to think that I’m having a good time at a bar, or picking up women.