Grumpy Old Dude One-Liners

New show, The Walking Dad….
….It’s just me, wandering around the house, turning off lights, muttering, “I’m not made of money.”

I ate an entire clock yesterday….
….It was very time-consuming.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?….
….Park your car, man.

I am not addicted to reading….
….I can quit – as soon as I finish this chapter.

I made a pencil with two erasers….
….It was pointless

I slept like a log last night….
….Woke up in the fireplace.

I finally found a good use for a stress ball….
….I throw it at anyone who makes me upset or anxious.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?….
….We arson.

Nothing is really lost….
….Until Mom can’t find it.

I thought I was losing weight….
….Turns out my sweatpants came untied.

I may be crazy….
….But crazy is better than stupid.

Autobiographies are now known as….
….Literary selfies.

Condoms should be used….
….at every conceivable occasion.

I got a friends request from Quasimodo….
….I don’t think I know him, but the name rings a bell.

I used to work as a circus trapeze artist….
….Till they let me go.

I have OCD….
….Old, Cranky, and Demented.

Before the invention of the wheel….
….Everything was a total drag.

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?….
….Because dogs can’t whistle.

Insomniacs are sick human beings!….
….How do they sleep at night?

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face today….
….I love felt-tip pens.

My son kept giving us shocks from static electricity….
….So I grounded him.

I have a goal of losing 20 pounds this year….
….Only 30 more to go.

20 thoughts on “Grumpy Old Dude One-Liners

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Haha. I will suggest the walking grandma. Her grands run up the electric bill. They are working now but she is hesitant to ask for money. She bitches to me about it.

    I can quit once I finish this chapter. Don’t let me see the first sentence of the next chapter, or I am hooked.

    Insomniacs sleep when they can. Night is a suggestion.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Newbloggycat says:

    ((((Still laughing))) Walking Dad indeed. I have one at home. 😜 Sleep like a log wake up in fireplace 😝 Crazy is better than stupid 👍🤪 Love them all. Thanks for the laughs 😂😂😂😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Daniel Digby says:

    There’s a new test to find people over 70.
    What was Davy Crockett’s most embarrassing moment?
    When he sat on a bar stool.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Rivergirl says:

    “Nothing is really lost…” Lord, that is so true!
    🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  5. RaPaR says:

    Good stuff, very funny! great to read something funny 1st thing in the am. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t remember hearing the funny spaceman joke previously.

    Like

  7. Rita says:

    Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!

    Liked by 1 person

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