New show, The Walking Dad….
….It’s just me, wandering around the house, turning off lights, muttering, “I’m not made of money.”
I ate an entire clock yesterday….
….It was very time-consuming.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?….
….Park your car, man.
I am not addicted to reading….
….I can quit – as soon as I finish this chapter.
I made a pencil with two erasers….
….It was pointless
I slept like a log last night….
….Woke up in the fireplace.
I finally found a good use for a stress ball….
….I throw it at anyone who makes me upset or anxious.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?….
….We arson.
Nothing is really lost….
….Until Mom can’t find it.
I thought I was losing weight….
….Turns out my sweatpants came untied.
I may be crazy….
….But crazy is better than stupid.
Autobiographies are now known as….
….Literary selfies.
Condoms should be used….
….at every conceivable occasion.
I got a friends request from Quasimodo….
….I don’t think I know him, but the name rings a bell.
I used to work as a circus trapeze artist….
….Till they let me go.
I have OCD….
….Old, Cranky, and Demented.
Before the invention of the wheel….
….Everything was a total drag.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?….
….Because dogs can’t whistle.
Insomniacs are sick human beings!….
….How do they sleep at night?
My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face today….
….I love felt-tip pens.
My son kept giving us shocks from static electricity….
….So I grounded him.
I have a goal of losing 20 pounds this year….
….Only 30 more to go.
Haha. I will suggest the walking grandma. Her grands run up the electric bill. They are working now but she is hesitant to ask for money. She bitches to me about it.
I can quit once I finish this chapter. Don’t let me see the first sentence of the next chapter, or I am hooked.
Insomniacs sleep when they can. Night is a suggestion.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Sometimes I look at the last page of a book, to get an idea of what percentage I’ve read/have left to read. I am very careful to only look at the upper right corner for the number. A quick glance at the page can tell me whodunnit/how it comes out, or if there’s a setup for another book in a series. I thrive on uncertainty. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t even read the chapter names in advance, as they can give away information.
LikeLiked by 1 person
((((Still laughing))) Walking Dad indeed. I have one at home. 😜 Sleep like a log wake up in fireplace 😝 Crazy is better than stupid 👍🤪 Love them all. Thanks for the laughs 😂😂😂😂😂
LikeLiked by 2 people
The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away…. No, wait, that was me! I’m sure I’ve
stolenappropriated a couple of jokes from your site. Thanx. 😀 😀LikeLiked by 2 people
Hmm I can’t remember which one you stole. I’m cranky and demented 😜😂😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s a new test to find people over 70.
What was Davy Crockett’s most embarrassing moment?
When he sat on a bar stool.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I heard he’d got shot in a bar, when he was only three…. and I wondered what a little kid was doing in a saloon. 😉 😕
LikeLiked by 2 people
Actually, now that you mention it, Davy’s parents ran a tavern in Morristown, TN in the 1790s. You can visit it if you ever make it to east Tennessee.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Nothing is really lost…” Lord, that is so true!
🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
My normally terrible memory has become even worse with age. The wife has become a filing index. “Honey, where’s the…. ?” 😳
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s an amusing game in our home. He asks where it is, I let him search the house, garage, barn, cellar, shed and vehicles…. Then I find it exactly where he put it. Good fun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
He must be having grand thoughts, and making great plans, if he forgets the tiny details. Right? 😉 😆
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sure. Keep thinking that…
🤣
LikeLike
Good stuff, very funny! great to read something funny 1st thing in the am. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Into every life, a little levity must float – every second Monday, from here. 😆
LikeLike
I don’t remember hearing the funny spaceman joke previously.
LikeLike
I debated including that one. 😕 It’s about 50 years out of date. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanx! Try today’s, or next Monday’s. 🙂
LikeLike