They’re (One-)Lining Up

I told my psychiatrist that I keep hearing voices in my head and creating imaginary people….
….He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

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My mom said “you treat this place like a hotel”………
……..she will regret that when I give her a low score on Trip Advisor for ‘rude staff’.

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The book that I wrote about poltergeists….
….is flying off the shelves

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The only thing that Flat Earthers fear….
….is sphere itself

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I was arrested last week for stealing helium balloons……
…..the police held me for a while and then let me go.

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My pet rock is not doing well today….
….I think it is stoned

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I’ve been searching for my stolen bed…….
………I won’t rest until I find it.

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My ex girlfriend just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline…..
……She hit the roof.

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My girlfriend had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10……….
……the other 2 guys jumped clear.

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My optician told me today that I’m color blind…….
……..that came right out of the orange!

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I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups…..
……but I’m not holding my breath.

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I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer……..
……..dunno what he’s laced them with,
………but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

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I just bought a book called, “How To Avoid Being Ripped Off.”….
….best $100 I ever spent.

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Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo………
……..so I had to put my foot down.

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I turned to drink when my girlfriend left me….
….I like to celebrate in style

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My doctor told me that jogging can add years to my life…….
……he’s right; I feel 10 years older already.

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Breaking News….
….Ne ws

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Just saw an ad that read, “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full high.” I thought to myself….
….I can’t turn that down

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Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness…….
……they found it hiding behind two other genes.

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My friend told me that he’s been constipated for two years….
….I think he’s full of shit.

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I once dumped a cross-eyed chick….
….I thought she was seeing someone else.

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My doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him….
….The judge gave me twenty years.

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My friend sent me an empty email….
….His message was clear….