Up In Smoke

Cigar

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of
money was talking to his lawyer.

“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even hold you in contempt
of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a
decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to
his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars.
It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d
sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“What?? You did???”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but
enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

***

I have enough money to last me the rest of my
life….unless I buy something.

***

A man with a winking problem is applying for a
position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
“This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the
best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,
and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we’re afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll
stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket
and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red
condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet
of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and
good, but this is a respectable company, and we
will not have our employees womanizing all over
the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily
married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into
a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

***

Too bad all the people who know how to run the
country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

***

Mexico doesn’t have an Olympic Team, because anybody who can run, jump, or swim, is already in the United States.

***

The biggest shithead and the person in command
can generally be shot with the same bullet.

***

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says,
“Ah, you’re an engineer you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is
a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there
in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going
great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah,
right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

#485

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12 thoughts on “Up In Smoke

  1. shimoniac says:

    Hey, the engineer may even drain the lava pools and put in a filtration system to get rid of that funky brimstone odour. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Archon's Den says:

    Yeah? I dare you to come down the hall and say that. 😯
    For those confused or dismayed by this comment – Shimoniac is my live-at-home son, who is 25 feet away, as the crow flies, but we don’t allow crows in the house, molesting his own computer. 😳

    Like

  3. BrainRants says:

    Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, Ms. Lewinsky.

    Like

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    LMAO at all of these. Rants would probably agree at the person in power one and power based on an email. The lawyer ones were hilarious, and so was your son’s comment.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      The whole family is a little off-plumb. The assistant manager at a Staples store yesterday make a questionable ‘Tiny Tim at Christmas’ joke to the wife and I yesterday. She said we’re the only two she knew who would get it, but not get upset.
      BrainRants would agree to almost anything, if there was enough ‘strained’ beer involved. πŸ˜†

      Like

  5. Jim Wheeler says:

    My favorite is the George Burns joke about barbers and cab drivers. Appropriate, now that the U.S. is again embroiled in the world’s longest presidential primaries and silly seasons. πŸ˜‰

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Once upon a time politicians were leaders! Nowadays, if they’re not lawyers, enacting laws to steal our freedom, they’re accountants, stealing our money.
      You’ll have lots of unintentional comedy to look forward to. The cab-drivers and barbers could scarcely do worse. We have one up here, quoted regularly by his opponents, who blithely said, “The budget will balance itself.” πŸ˜•

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Good jokes, Archon. πŸ˜€

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I think we all deserve the occasional bit of humor. My source of clean jokes recently went offline. I hope it’s only temporary. I only have enough tucked away for about another half dozen of these posts. Then I’ll have to go back to actually writing something myself. πŸ˜›

      Like

  7. Sightsnbytes says:

    thanks for the early morning laugh…needed it this gloomy drizzly July morning!

    Like

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