Memorandum

MEMORANDUM:

 

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.Β  Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

 

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I’m certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You’ve got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I’m concerned
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn’t involved in that project.
OLD: It’s not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That’s interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?

PREFERRED: I’m not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won’t work.

PREFERRED: I’ll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem, Bill?
OLD: Who the fuck cares, asshole?

PREFERRED: He’s not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He’s got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren’t happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass.

PREFERRED: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

PREFERRED: I don’t think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss?

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Bite me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting.

PREFERRED: I don’t think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don’t give a shit.

PREFERRED: He’s somewhat insensitive.
OLD: He’s a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
OLD: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training.
OLD: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

***

Poetry Corner

MOODY BLUE

Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch light fade from every room.
Pensitive people look back and lament,
Another day, uselessly spent.

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love, and has none.
Senior citizens wish they had some.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.

Cold-hearted orb, that rules the night.
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey, and yellow, white,
But we decide which is right.

And which, is an illusion….

***

Comments?

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Memorandum

  1. I am soooo going to use these at work this week just to see what happens…

    Like

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Our company sent out a memorandum that told us to avoid profanity and suspect phrases (suspicious now). If we use certain phrases, of course they won’t tell us which ones, the emails are sent to gestapo. If gestapo receives too many unsavory phrases, the author is terminated….*still looking suspiciously*

    Like the poem.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Did you ever read George Orwell’s 1984? He certainly knew what he was talking about. 😦 (You can’t say certain things, but we won’t tell you what things.) I see a possible unjustified dismissal case. All policies must be clearly stated.

      Like

      • 1jaded1 says:

        I did read 1984. It is here. The memo stated that before sending, we should put ourselves in the recipient’s shoes. Common courtesy says I’m not going to say f*ck you jagoff, but to me f*ck isn’t a bad word. Great thought on the explicitly stated. Our company is employment at will.

        Like

  3. BrainRants says:

    I see you’ve been intercepting some of my notes from work again.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      The NSA sent them over, and asked me to keep an eye on you. They’re busy locating Angela Merkel’s vibrator-maker and watching that French guy and his mistress. πŸ˜• πŸ˜€

      Like

  4. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Too funny. I am laughing my ass off right now.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Always happy to bring a smile to your face. I picked up a lot of this kind of stuff over the years, sitting next to the Xerox machine in different offices. Now it’s pay-back time. 😈

      I didn’t change my mind about American coinage, just woke my brain up. After spending a weekend in Detroit, I still didn’t complete my set of State quarters. (Sad tale to follow.) Would it be possible for you to keep an eye out for one each from Arkansas, Hawaii and Kansas. Email if you find one or more, and I’ll take any off my list. Thanx! πŸ™‚

      Like

  5. My laptop was almost covered in coffee whilst I was reading the first one. Note to self: do not drink coffee when reading Archon’s Den. lol

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Either that, or you need one of those water-proof key-covers. If you can find some (It’s banned in Ontario.), try some absinthe, it might help make the posts make more sense. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  6. Kayjai says:

    That’s very much like a conversation between Professional me and Asshole me…I rather enjoy Asshole me. She’s a feisty bugger!

    Like

  7. benzeknees says:

    Loved the memorandum, of course! Sorry I haven’t been by – I’ve been kidnapped by the Olympics bug & can’t pry my eyes away from the TV screen! Will try to catch up soon!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I too feel guilty when I haven’t made the rounds for a couple of days, or weeks. Fret not, you are welcome here any time you can spare the time. I have been studiously ignoring the Olympics, to the degree that the newspapers and MSN will let me. πŸ™‚

      Like

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