My wife asked me to help prepare our 4-year-old for his first day at school….
….So I stole his lunch
Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad….
….Do you think I should let her in?
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges….
….My door is always open.
There’s nothing like a brisk fall morning….
….To keep me in bed till noon.
There’s no excuse for laziness….
….But if you find one, let me know.
What did the drunk driver die of?….
….Texting.
I just tripped over my wife’s bra….
….It was a booby trap
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?….
….To the I.C.U.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I had to remove your colon….
….Me Why
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented….
….Crows had to drink alone, at home.
Instant gratification….
….Takes too long.
I admit that I live in the past….
….But only because the housing is so much cheaper.
If you are not yelling at your kids….
….You are not spending enough time with them.
USER: The word computer professionals use….
….When they mean idiot.
As soon as the hospital put me in one of those little gowns….
….I knew the end was in sight.
It is better to live one day as a lion….
….Than 100 years as a sheep.
The lion shall lie down with the lamb….
….But the lamb won’t get much sleep.
Bigamy is having one wife too many….
….Monogamy is the same thing.
I have Van Gogh’s ear for music.
They say that marriages are made in Heaven….
….But then, so are thunder and lightning.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food….
….He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
The only flair I have, is in my nostrils.
People who think they know everything….
….Are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Be careful about reading health books….
….You might die of a misprint.
Johnny, where’s your homework?….
….Still inside the pencil.
I like local jokes….
….They’re right up my street.
I felt uncomfortable, driving into the cemetery….
….The GPS declared, “You have reached your final destination.”
When I was young, I was told that anyone could become President….
….I’m beginning to believe it.
I didn’t realize how unsocial I was until there was a pandemic….
….And my life didn’t really change all that much.
Archon's Den 