I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.
Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”
I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.
The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.
I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.
One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.
I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.
There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.
If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.
When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.
The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?
A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.
I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.
A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.
The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.
If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.
I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.
Archon's Den 