Commit suicide??….
….That’d be the last thing I’d do.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?….
….Great food, no atmosphere
The inventor of AutoCorrect died today….
…. His funfair will be hello on sundial.
I say hooray….
….for speech therapy
Somebody gave me a book on anger management….
….I lost it
People say that I’m egotistical….
….but enough about them
I used to be addicted to eating refrigerated poultry….
….but I quit cold turkey
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”….
….so I got her nothing
I have an EpiPen….
….My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important that I have it.
What did people do before they had sandpaper?….
….They just roughed it.
We’re G-r-r-r-eat!
Tony the Tiger for president!….
….Make America Grrrreat again
Why does Peter Pan fly?….
….Because he Neverlands
Disneyland is a people trap, built by a mouse.
Beer is a gateway drug to Aspirin
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated….
….but can’t pronounce it
Resolutions….
….In one year, and out the other
If your fridge was running….
….I’d vote for it
I looked up my family tree….
….and found three dogs using it
Forklift operators hate our puns….
….They find them unpalletable.
Where there’s a will….
….there’s a greedy relative
Only dead fish….
….go with the flow.
I asked a lone wolf for a stick of gum….
….but he didn’t have a pack
Remember, if the world didn’t suck….
….we’d all fall off
I scream. You scream….
….The police come. It’s awkward.
I’m not a fan of the design for the new quarters….
….but then, I hate all change.
Life is short. If you can’t laugh at yourself….
….call me. I’ll do it.
Archon's Den 