Irish Ayes Are Smilin’

Guinness

 

 

 

 

 

Two Irishmen, looking to get rich, open a pub. After a year, they’re deep in red ink. One says, “I know, let’s turn it into a brothel.” The other replies, “Don’t be daft! We can’t get ‘em to drink beer. How are we goin’ to get ‘em to drink broth??”

***

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked,
as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

***

Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch?

A man who told one too many blonde jokes.

***

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach him how to fish and you can sell him equipment.

***

Error, no keyboard – press F1 to continue.

***

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t
stop until you get into the office.

Robert Frost

***

The Pentagon recently found it had too many
Generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight
away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00
for every inch measured in a straight line along
the retiring general’s body between two points
he chose. (Something only Congress came up with!)

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of
$720,000.00.

The second General asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet!
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the
third. When he was asked where to measure, he
told the pension man. “From the tip of my penis
to my balls.” The pension man said that would be
fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to
do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the
General to drop ’em. He did. The Medical Officer
placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis
and began to work back. “My God!” he said.
“Where are your balls?”

The General replies, “In Viet Nam!”

***

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to
her class the definition of the word “definitely”
to them. To make sure the students have a good
understanding of the word, she asks them to use
it in a sentence.

When called upon, the first student says
“The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher
said “Well that isn’t entirely correct because
sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says “Grass is definitely green”.
Teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough
water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct”.

A third student raises his hand and asks the
teacher “Do farts have lumps?”  The teacher
replied, “No, and that is not a suitable question
for class discussion”. The student replies,
“Then I definitely shit my pants”.

 

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How To Know When You’re Getting Old

 

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your glasses.

You feel like the night before, and you haven’t even been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

You join a health club, and don’t go.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to it.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can’t keep.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your new trifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is, “25 Years Ago Today.”

You sit in a rocking chair, and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when the alarm goes off.

You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

The little grey-haired old lady you help across the street, is your wife.

You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

 

I was going to post this earlier, but I needed to take a nap.

I’m happy to note that all of these do not apply to me – only 22 of the 26.  I don’t get winded playing chess, because with my (lack of) memory, I can’t play chess.  I get winded playing checkers.  It’s all that heavy lifting of one checker onto another when I get a King.  What??!  Could happen!

I put white stickers on the bottoms of all the checkers that just say “King.” Well….the son did it for me while I was having my nap.  I just get my opponent to flip them over for me.

After the wrestling match with my optic nerves last year, I had my eyeballs retreaded.  I can still make do with bifocals. It’ll be a few more years before they have to ride a trike.

I didn’t become intolerant as I aged.  I’ve been calling a spade an asshole since I could first spell the word.

And lastly, since I never have anywhere to go early in the morning except some difficult-to-schedule doctor, I usually roll out of bed at the crack of noon, and the wife and I party hearty till 4 AM – with cinnamon rolls and tea.  Some evenings when we’re feeling particularly daring, we have two cups.  The excitement just never stops starts.