My girlfriend left me today because I’m too insecure…
Oh wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
***
A guy was trying to get hired at a farm, and the farmer says “Have you ever shoed a horse?” The guy says “No, but once I told a donkey to f**k off.
***
I saw a man, sitting in Starbucks. No phone, no iPad, no laptop, just sitting there, drinking coffee, like a psychopath.
***
A young man goes to the doctor, and says, ”Doc, my butt hurts.”
The doctor asks him where precisely he feels the pain.
He replies, “Well…. right around the entrance.”
The doctor says, “As long as you refer to it as the entrance, it’s gonna keep hurting.”
***
In the battle of the beverages, tea should have it in the bag, but coffee is grinding down the competition.
***
I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night.
She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, “Don’t we need to pray first?”
I said, “Nah, that’s not necessary.”
She replied, “But we always pray before we eat at home.”
I said, “Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he’s doing.”
***
I was walking through the park yesterday when I found a wallet. I looked inside and there was a lot of cash. There was also a driver’s license. I was tempted to keep the cash, but then I asked myself, “If I lost $175, how would I feel?” And I realized I’d like to be taught a valuable life lesson about not losing things.
***
Little Hot Welding Rod was gaily skipping through the forest, on her merry way to Grandma’s house, when The Big Bad Wolf jumped out in front of her. He said, ”Aha Red Riding Hood, I’m going to eat you!”
Red replied, “Eat, eat, eat! Doesn’t anybody fuck anymore?”
😳
Archon's Den 