British One-Liners

Do UK websites….
….Use biscuits instead of cookies?

Dear Naps….
….I’m sorry I was a jerk to you as a kid.

I used to cough to hide my farts….
….Now I fart to hide my coughs.

Becoming a vegetarian….
….Was a big missed steak.

Cremation is my last chance….
….For a smoking, hot body.

87% of gym members….
….Don’t know it’s closed.

There are three things that never lie….
….Children, drunks, and yoga pants.

I wish I was as thin….
….As my patience.

My school bully still takes my lunch money….
….On the upside, he makes great fries.

I’m in a band called Dyslexia….
….We just released our Greatest Shit album.

I have a step-ladder….
….I never knew my real ladder.

Boeing has invented an invisible airplane….
….I don’t see that taking off.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch….
….Yeti never complains.

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list….
….Now we can’t read the list.

I don’t worry about being driven to drink….
….I worry about being driven home

Can those attending tonight’s Kinky Sex Anonymous meeting….
….Please use the rear entrance?

I asked 100 women what shampoo they preferred….
….Almost all of them asked, “How the Hell did you get in here?”

I went to a rave for blind people….
….And danced like no-one was watching.

I was never a very photogenic person….
….When everyone else said ‘Cheese,’ I said ‘Where?’

No matter how low I set the bar….
….Some people roll right under it.

The only substitute for good manners….
….Is fast reflexes.

I applied for a job as a waiter….
….I have a lot to bring to the table.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my den….
….I think it makes the place look classy.

If glassblowers inhale….
….Do they get a pane in the stomach?

Some people are so narrow-minded….
….That their ears rub together.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight….
….Unless you’re ready for the Reaper cushions.

***

Milestone:  This is my 1500th published post.

No Lie

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad – So you were at school right?

Son – yeah
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector – BEEP

Son – ….I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad – What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector – BEEP

Mom – Ha ha ha ha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector – BEEP

***

This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year-old ass?”

She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

***

I went to a Christmas party.  I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails.  Then I had a few shots.  I had the sense to know that I was over the limit, so I did something I’ve never done before.  I took a cab home.  Sure enough, the next morning the cops showed up.

***

A guy picking up his kid after school sees another kid, and loudly says, “That’s one ugly kid!”  The person standing next to him says, “That’s my son.”  Oh man, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were his father.”  “I’m his mother.”

***

A man says to his doctor, “What’s the good news?”
“You’ve got 24 hours to live.”
“Wha…  Then what’s the bad news?”
“We should have told you yesterday.”

***

Two reasons that I don’t give money to homeless people.
They would spend it on alcohol.
I want to spend it on alcohol.

***

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway.
Cop: Whose car is this?  Where are you going?  What do you do?
Driver: Mine.

***

Jack and Jill have grown up. They’ve graduated from Uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.  One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn’t want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.
While he’s considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, “Jill, I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”  Jill responds with a sigh, “Well, you’ll have to jack off, I’ve got a headache.”

***

A mathematician wasn’t sure of his appearance….
So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand. After little thought his friend says: “You’re about as good looking as you are bad looking.”
”Well that’s just mean.”

 

Smitty’s Loose Change #8

How the Media – and the Police – Hell, just about everybody – lies to you

“A traffic stop in Calgary yielded drugs and several weapons, including a semi-automatic submachine gun.”

This is where I say….  Cat <-> Dog, Wet <-> Dry, Day <-> Night.  A semi-automatic weapon fires once each time the trigger is pulled.  A ‘submachine gun’ is fully automatic, capable of rapidly firing through a far larger ammunition magazine.  It’s one or the other.  It can’t be both – says the guy who invented it, and the word.

Police issue statements like this to appear to be protecting the public – from dangers that don’t necessarily exist.  Newspapers cynically use headlines like this to sell papers!  Don’t you feel safe?  It’s a good thing that liars don’t give off radiation, or we’d all glow in the dark.

***

In Ford though, they see a my-road-or-the-highway politician…. I realize that the subtle, nuanced, ABAB rhyme scheme of, My way, or the Highway, can be a bit difficult for a columnist from Toronto’s poshest newspaper to detect but, come down from your ivory tower, and listen to how ‘the little people’ in the street actually speak, and how they view their political representative, before you disparage him.
BTW:  He got elected.

***

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(Ontario Premier) Kathleen Wynne is not popular, for whatever reason, whether because there is a hunger for change, or because she is an older, lesbian woman.

Perhaps it’s because she and her Liberal government shut down all the coal-fired power generating stations, before the renovations to the nuclear and hydro ones had been completed.

Perhaps it’s because she and her Fiberals threw away 5 to 10 billion dollars over 25 years, by signing contracts for solar and wind-powered electricity.  They wasted 2 billion dollars by cancelling 2 clean, gas-fired generating plants, because they were too close to rich, influential voters.

They raised Ontario’s electrical rate to the highest in Canada, and almost the highest in North America, causing manufacturers to re-locate elsewhere, losing 40,000 jobs – including mine – thank you very much!

They blew a billion dollars on the Province’s medical helicopter-evacuation fleet – without any improvements or upgrades being achieved.  They blew another billion dollars on a computer system to make all medical files in the Province available to all health-care professionals – only the system doesn’t work, and has been abandoned.

They blew a billion dollars on a computerized payroll system for all Provincial employees.  It is so badly f….ouled up that some workers are a month behind on their pay, and it will take another billion to straighten it out.

Most Ontario voters would accept Marvin the Martian; the premier could be asexual, white, black…. or plaid.  We don’t merely want change for the sake of change; we want change for the better.

***

Skepticism is my nature!
Free thought is my methodology!
Agnosticism is my conclusion!
Atheism is my opinion!
Humanitarianism is my motivation!
Faith is what adults call ‘pretending.’

 

Real Canadian Whine – Eh?

Some time after the recent election of the drama-queen-student-instructor, Justin Trudeau, as Prime Minister of Canada – The Next Generation, I received the following letter.

 

Dear Friend:

We have the honor of being on a Committee to raise five million ($5,000,000) for a statue of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, to be placed in the Canadian Hall of Fame in Ottawa, Ontario.

The Committee has been in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was felt unwise to place it beside the statue of Sir Wilfrid Laurier, who never told a lie, nor too close to that of Sir John A. MacDonald, who never told the truth.  Trudeau can never tell the difference.

We have finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest leader of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and, upon arriving, did not know where he was. When he returned home, he had no idea where he had been.  And he did it all on borrowed money.

It is reported that Prime Minister Trudeau is considering a change in the Liberal Party’s emblem, from a Maple Leaf, to a Condom. The Condom stands for inflation, halts productivity, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

If you are one of those fortunate few who has any money left after paying your grocery and gasoline bills, we will expect a generous donation as your contribution to this worthwhile project.

 

Yours very truly,

 

Chairman, STATUE COMMITTEE

To All My American Readers;

Don’t despair. I’ll get around to insulting your leader soon enough.  😛