I came ashore in a small boat, in the dead of night, like a French cigarette smuggler. I sneaked through Pensitivity101’s back garden, jimmied the French doors of her study, and stole liberated another list of opportunities to lie and get away with it.
- What did Miss Muffet sit on?
The O. J. Simpson criminal trial jury.
2. Who tried to gatecrash her dinner?
Meat Loaf, but when he found that there was no actual meatloaf, only some weird, vegan, ‘curds and whey’ crap, he shouted, “But I won’t do that!” and musical history was made.
3. What did Wee Willie Winkie do?
We’re not really sure. He was a Juvenile offender at the time, so his records were sealed, but he’s still on the Sex offender registry.
4. How many blackbirds were baked in a pie?
Statements from ‘witnesses’ vary, anywhere from one, to like a gajillion, man. Pass the Doritos, and don’t Bogart that blunt. Official reports indicate that they all got baked just outside the Marijuana dispensary, and never made it to the pie.
5. Who sold sea shells on the sea shore?
The same guy who sold refrigerators to Eskimos.
6. What did Peter Piper pick?
All the correct numbers for a $14 million Lotto win. Immediately after receiving his winnings, he and his girlfriend were in the wind. His wife is still trying to locate him for child support.
7. What ran up the clock?
Manchester United Football Club. Ahead, one to nil, with three minutes left in the game, they got possession of the soccer ball, and almost scuffed the cover off it, playing iron-clad defense, taking no chance that an opposing player might get an expensive boot on it.
8. What was daddy going to wrap Baby Bunting in?
Alternating pink and blue ribbons, along with a carefully measured quantity of colored photographic flash-powder, for a gender reveal party – until his wife discovered his plans. She lovingly said to him, “Are you f**king INSANE? Aside from endangering our child – the last idiot who did something like this, burned down half of California. Go sit quietly over there with a beer, and let the women safely and sanely handle this.”
9. Where did Doctor Foster go?
I think it was to jail, but I haven’t had a chance to watch the entire BBC-TV series yet.
- What was the old man doing when it was pouring with rain?
Buying Morton’s salt.
Th..th..th.. That’s all the prevarication for now, folks. I’ve already stretched the truth more than the waistband of my track pants.
Archon's Den 