Fibbing Friday 20/3

Instead of waiting for pensitivity101, I sent her a list of topics to lie about and share with others.  The email came back marked

Return To Sender
No Such Recipient
No such Address

So I guess I’ll just have to share these with lucky little you.

1. How many years bad luck do you get if you break a mirror?

It depends on which one you break.  Knock something off the counter and break the one in the wife’s purse, and the tornado should dissipate by tomorrow.  Break a Hepplewhite one when she drags you out antiquing, and you’ll see a shattered image of two years’ savings disappearing.

2. What shouldn’t you walk under?

15.000 steps a day, if your wife put you on an exercise program, bought His and Hers Fitbits, and registered as your Friend.  When she goes to bed early, I lie on the couch watching Netflix, hang my leg over the edge, and tap the floor.  Next morning, See honey!  Quota achieved!

3. Why are black cats crossing your path considered unlucky?

One of the reasons that we bought this marvelous old mini-mansion, was the big, stone fireplace in the main room….  Until a bat got in down the chimney, and our previously-white cat chased it through the ashes, and back out onto our new, previously-ivory Persian rug.  😳

4. Why do we ‘knock on wood’?

To be closer to our Maker.

Jesus was helping St. Peter at the Pearly Gate one day.  A very old man shuffled up.  St. Peter asked him what he had been on Earth.  He replied that he had been a woodworker.  Jesus looked closer and said, “Dad?”  The old man peered back and said, “Pinocchio?”

5. Why are horseshoes considered lucky?

Know how to stop a runaway horse?  Bet on him.  I don’t know how they can run with those heavy steel things on their feet.  Couldn’t we get them a couple of pair of nice, light Reeboks?

6. Why do we cross our fingers for good luck?

To keep the stupidity and gullibility from leaking out.  This superstition stuff is all fake.  I’m a Virgo.  Us Virgos are highly skeptical and don’t believe in any of it.

7. Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

Because there are only 12 slices in an extra-large pizza.  Sorry bro, you got here too late.  You’ll have to order another one – and while you’re out getting it, pick me up a six-pack of Heineken Dark, k?

8. On the other hand, why is 7 considered lucky?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours, why are there locks on the doors?  7 is the end of the overnight shift.  If Apu hasn’t been beaten and robbed by some junkie by then, he considers himself lucky.  I’ve never been robbed here at the Archon’s Den during any of my late-night shifts.  I see those ne’er-do-wells slinking by in the dark.  They look up and see me watching them, and put their dog between us.

9. What is signified by itchy hands?

You’ve been doing too much shopping, and slathering on that disinfectant at every store.  I’m glad this COVID is almost over.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.

10. Why should you not put shoes on the table?

With my wife’s cooking, the roasts are always so dry and tough, shoes could get sliced up and eaten without anyone even noticing.

***

It’s no wonder that Christian Apologists get their Bibles in a knot with me.  It’s not that I’m an Atheist.  It’s that I keep breaking the Thou shalt not tell a lie Commandment.  Which one is that anyway??  The 14^th??

 

Some Religious Thoughts

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” – Epicurus circa 300 BCE

I’ve heard of Christians evolving into Atheists.  Is that possible?

What Would Jesus Do?

Teacher: And remember, boys and girls; always ask yourself ‘What would Jesus do?’

Student #1: Make my friends drink my blood, like a vampire?

Teacher: What?

Student #2: And eat my flesh, like a cannibal?!

Teacher: Wait –

Student #3: Vilify my own people?

Teacher: Now, hold on –

Student #4: Condone slavery? Jesus condoned slavery.

Teacher: Hang on. What I mean is –

Student #5: Rebel against authority and wind up being executed?

Teacher: Look, it’s not about –

Student #6: I have an uncle called Jesus.

Teacher: Oh… Okay…?

Student #6: He sells drugs in Mexico.

Teacher: Forget it.

Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong

Being gay is not natural – because Americans always reject un-natural things, like eyeglasses, polyester and air-conditioning.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay – in the same way hanging around tall people encourages them to be tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.  People will even want to marry their pets – because a dog has legal standing, and can sign a marriage contract.

Straight marriage has been around for a long time, and hasn’t changed at all – women are still property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed – the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55 hour, just-for-fun marriage, and Larry King’s 10 weddings will be destroyed.

Straight marriages are valid because they produce children – gay couples, infertile couples and seniors should not be allowed to marry – because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

Gay parents will obviously raise gay children – because straight parents raise only straight children.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion.  In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are inflicted on the entire nation.  That’s why we have only one religion in the world.

Children can only succeed if there is a male and a female role model in the home – that’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise kids.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society – we could never adapt to new social norms, like we failed to adapt to cars, the service-sector economy and longer life-spans.

___________________________________________________

During the recent flooding in Alberta, a man took refuge from the rising water on the roof of his house.  A guy in a canoe came along and asked him if he wanted a ride.  He said No, that he was a good Christian, who believed that God would save him.  As the flood waters rose, two men in a motorboat came by and offered to rescue him.  Again, he stated his faith in God, and waved them on their way.

With the waters lapping at the eaves of his house, a helicopter flew over.  He told them to look for others, because he was sure that God would spare him.  Of course, he was swept to his death.

When he arrived at Heaven, he had the audacity to castigate God Himself.  “I believed in You.  I’ve been a good and obedient Christian.  How could You abandon me, and let me die??”  All-forgiving God quietly replied, “I sent you a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter.  What more did you wish Me to do?”

The reality is, that’s not really a joke!

The 10 Commandments: A Parody Written in 3 minutes

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me… Because you know, I, God, am a jealous little controlling psychopath. 

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image… But if you must, please, Instagram that shit. 

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain… Jesus Fucking Christ, do I really need to be telling you idiotic cows this? 

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy… Unless the football game is on, then fuck it! 

5. Honour thy father and thy mother… because you ruined their sex life the moment you were conceived.

6. Thou shalt not kill… Only I, the Almighty, can do that – especially the homos, kill the bum boys! 

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery… But by all means, take a few wives, heck, chain the bitches up and call them “concubines”. 

8. Thou shalt not steal… because stealing a loaf of bread is worst than rape, which is absolutely fine by the way. 

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour… Once again, this neighbour shit is way more important than rape and pedophilia.

10. Thou shalt not covet… because you can see, but you can’t touch. 😉

Good Intentions, Misguided Planning

A family of five left Arizona, moved to San Diego, bought a sailboat, and got into trouble on the high seas.  Now, I can think of a couple of places where the average knowledge about sailing would be lower than Arizona.

Two, thirtyish parents, a 3 year-old girl, his father, and she gave birth to another daughter while they spent 91 days, without setting foot on land.  Not members of any denomination, they described themselves as “good Christians”, who didn’t believe in abortion and homosexuality in  ”the state-controlled church.”

Storms damaged their boat, and blew it off course – off almost anybody’s course.  They drifted for weeks, and were rescued by the helicopter of a Venezuelan fishing boat, where they spent five days, before being transferred to a Japanese cargo vessel, where they spent another three weeks, before landing in Chile.

They had “decided to take a leap of faith, and see where God took us.”  God gave them a slap up-side the head, for endangering themselves and others, including two tiny children, and put them back where they belonged, in Arizona.  Do they accept God’s guidance and care, and their own stupidity, and blind arrogance?  Yeah, right!  Now they talk of having to “come up with a new plan.”

Serious comments only please!  I am not attacking or vilifying.  I wish discussion, not a flamewar.  If you are angry, you’re not thinking, only reacting, and probably with someone else’s opinion.  Respectful disagreement is welcomed, but prove your point.

Awesome!

 

I am awesome!  Not merely awesome, but epically awesome….or is it awesomely epic??  I don’t know.  I went to sit down at the computer to write this post, and I was already here, so I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.  That’s unusual.  Most times there’s more than enough people to tell me where to go,  when to leave, and what to do when I get there.

I know that I am awesome/epic, because my good blog-buddy, Ted, at sightsnbytes  delivered yet another big helping of blog award, but only because I deserve it.  The attractive, parti-colored picture of the Epically Awesome Award Of Epic Awesomeness at the top, is the reason for the title of this post.  (Tell ‘em what you’re going to do, then do it, then tell ‘em what you did.)

There are three rules; aren’t there always?  Since I’m a rugged individualist (pronounced shit-disturber), rules and I don’t always get along well.  I’ll tell you what they are, before I brush them off the WordPress.  If you receive this award, you’re supposed to pass it on to ten other worthy bloggers.  You are expected to notify them that you have done so, and then publish a post including ten, hopefully interesting things about yourself.  There isn’t even a rule that you must display the award, but I’m so awesome, I did it without being told.

These awards quickly become logarithmic.  One becomes ten, which become a hundred, which become a thousand.  Soon, it’s like the Big Bang all over again.  There’s muons, and pions, and Higgs bosons floating everywhere, and who knows what other God Participles?  I’m going to apply the Dark Matter gravity of stubborninity, and cause this to coalesce into an amusing, yet informative post.

SnB and I tend to travel in much the same blog-circles, although he orbits clockwise, while I rotate retrograde.  He has already passed this accolade on to many of the same bloggers I would have honored.  I’ll skip laziness, and claim that efficiency prevents me duplicating his efforts.  Since I haven’t had anyone charged with blogging with the intent to be awesome, I need not notify anyone.  Time saved is Miller Time.

Lastly, I’m supposed to tell you ten things about me.  Benzeknees has been asking for information about Archon, but I think it’s just so that she can do my obituary.  I’ve met a guy who can paint the Ten Commandments on a grain of rice.  If he did my entire interesting history, he’d still have room for about eight of them.  When I works, I works hard!  When I plays, I plays strong, and when I thinks, I falls asleep.  I don’t think I can get ten new facts about me, but I’ll think about it.  ZZZzzz.  Huh!  Wha’?  If the list below isn’t enough to slake your nosiness curiosity about me, try here, or here.

I need to check with SnB about which European music he likes.  I like some of the less mainstream British Rock (?).  The Beatles were creative.  The Rolling Stones had a bit more of an edge, but I went for Electric Light Orchestra, The Moody Blues, and Jethro Tull, who have presented so many musical sides, a dodecahedron would be jealous.

I like to use big words.  Well….I don’t like to, but I’ve got them in my vocabulary.  I don’t use them to make me look impressive, but in the hope that some of you will be inspired to research and use a few.  Logarithmic, parti-colored, dodecahedron, retrograde, there’s gonna be some learnin’ here before you guys go home.

Born in a town with a Great Lake in front of me, a river beside, and thin ice on the pond down the street, I was still 14 by the time I learned to swim.  I still don’t do it very well, or the “proper way”, but I can travel a fair distance and stay afloat a long time.  I spent huge amounts of each summer in the water, but it wasn’t till my swimming friends wanted me to join them at the harbor, where I couldn’t touch bottom, that I finally learned to swim.

I liked to jump off things, and would have done more if I could have afforded it.  I found out about the new sport of sky-diving at about 17.  My son says he won’t step out of a perfectly good plane, unless it’s at the terminal.  Me, on the other hand….It costs how much?  After swimming in the harbor, soon I was diving off the fishing boats.  The aft coamings were 12 feet above the water, the cabin roof, 14.  One summer, we had a drill-rig on a barge parked at the dock for about three weeks.  The tip of the tower was about 20 feet up.  I never jumped feet-first, but I would dive headfirst from up there.  Perhaps that explains some of my current confusion.

A big thank-you to SnB, for including me on his list of worthy blogs.  This award gives me another chance at a little light-hearted prose, and a valid excuse to air out (some of) my psychoses in public.  I’d also like to thank my neighbor for not pressing charges, and the nice policemen for being so understanding about that little restraining order violation.  It’s hard to get internet access in the holding cell.