An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. He remembered what his father had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what was going on. The airhead explained what Dad said.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”
I got in trouble at a DUI roadblock. I was too damned polite. I asked the nice police officer if he would hold my beer while I fished out my licence and registration.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes. I thought, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.” Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
My Grandpa died peacefully. He was a religious man and my good friend Michael inquired if I had found a Bible amongst his possessions. I said that I had. He asked me if I knew the publisher. I told him that I thought it was Guten-something or other!
His eyes lit up and with a trembling voice he asked if it was Gutenberg? I confirmed it was and he excitedly asked if he could see it, as it would be very valuable, because it was one of the first printed Bibles. I told him I had given it to a charity shop and it would have been worthless as some smart-Alec named Martin Luther had written notes all over it!
A couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary which garnered a lot of attention from their community. In fact, a local news reporter showed up to the celebration and was surprised by how healthy and lively the 90-somethings were. After the couple finished dancing to swing music, the reporter started asking the husband questions.
When the reporter asked how the 97-year-old had maintained such good health, the husband smiled. “I give the credit to my wife,” he explained. “When we first got married, we agreed that whenever we argued, the loser would have to walk 2 miles – a mile away from the house and a mile back. I’ve been walking 2 miles a day almost every day for most of my married life.”
The reporter replied, “That’s amazing! But what about your wife? I understand she’s 92, and she’s in great shape too.”
“Well, you see,” began the husband, “she’s been following me that whole time to make sure I really finish those 2 miles.”