Fantastic Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had a bit of fantasy last week. What can you come up with for these?

1. Whose home planet is Skaro?

Al Capone.

2. What would you expect to find in Dinotopia?

Chicken broth, shredded chicken breast, chopped leeks, and small potato cubes.  This soup is so good, it not only cures the common cold, it’ll cure COVID.

3. Who was born on Krypton?

All the code-breaker nerds who work for the American NSA, and the British GCHQ.

4. Where can you find Plutonium?

In my toilet bowl after a shit and stink sit and think session, following a feed of nachos.

5. What colour blood would a Martian have?

The Martian was a red-blooded American astronaut who, as in most American movies, triumphed against impossible odds.

6. Whose home planet is Gallifrey?

The newly-hired non-human, full-time chef on Dr. Who’s TARDIS.  A hedgehog from the Medusan Galaxy, with his superior senses of smell and taste, he can whip up an omelet or paella that will make your taste buds weep for joy.

7. Whose home world is Eternia?

These were the evil aliens who drafted the service protocols for all Government offices.  You stand in line, to be allowed to stand in a different line.  Just as you reach the service counter, your clerk slaps down a sign which reads, This wicket is closed.  Please stand in line.  If you do manage to sneak up on a clerk, they will demand a document that you don’t have, and possibly does not exist.

8. What was the Hyborian Age?

That was when the Czechoslobovian kid across the street could finally have a pint in the pub – legally.  His older brother, Tibor, has been gibing him for two years, and his younger brother, Jawor wants to use the Gregorian calendar.

9. Where would you find Pellucidar?

In any of Donald Trump’s speeches – half obscurity, half outright lies, half boasts and brags, half egotistic narcissism, and ALL buffalo manure.  Any clarity or truth is purely coincidental.

10. What is Thedas?

Like sand through the hourglass of time, these are Thedas of our lives.
This was a long-running American soap opera, mostly for bored housewives with no lives of their own.  I scrolled through on a Monday, and someone was leaving the room.  I happened back on the Friday, and the door was just closing.

The Ghost Of One-Liners Past

Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.

Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.

Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.

I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.

I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.

Procrastinators unite!….
….Tomorrow.

Bad decisions….
….make good stories.

Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.

Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?

I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I had a life….
….but my job ate it.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.

Three symptoms of laziness….
….No.  1

Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.

Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.

The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.

Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.

I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.

Objectively Speaking

There are no objective morals, but there are ethics that work well with civilization and we should follow them for our benefit and the benefit of others.

So, your argument is that there are no objective moral standards, that we each conduct ourselves according to our own desires at the moment.  Presumably you want people to treat others with respect, the way you do, right? Why should anyone do that?

Let’s ignore “morality”, because it’s a concept invented by the religious, particularly, recently, by the American ‘Christians,’ but about the specifics of which, no two Christian groups totally agree with each other, and go with the Secular Humanist concept of The Greatest Good For The Greatest Number, which benefits the individual, their society, and the human race at large, and which is empathetically NOT according to our own desires at the moment.  If you don’t want the greatest good for the greatest number I don’t even want to know why not, just a previous warning. If you want to know if slavery is immoral – ask a slave.

What an original thought! The dictatorship of the wise and just majority. The majority won’t enslave anyone. That’s never happened before.

Yep! We will just declare the majority our god and take a poll every time we need to make a decision about anything.

Do Secular Humanists agree about everything? Does any large group of people? Would it not be a miracle if they did? Would it be a good miracle? Without some sort of basis for judging the matter, how would we know? Because everyone is in agreement? Would that be it?  I can explain why something is right and why something is wrong. Do you have an answer? Nope! All you do is make unsupported assertions.

Oh dear!!  You do seem to expend considerable time and energy, putting words into other people’s mouths.  Us ignorant Atheists, Agnostics, Humanists, and Secularists don’t declare anything to be God(like).  There is no compulsion – which far too many Christians ignore, anyway – but you are expected to think for yourself to make informed self-interest decisions.

Perhaps you have heard of Secular Humanism under its other name – Representative Democracy and Rule of Law.  It is the absolutely worst system of governance – except for every other one.  You might give it a try.  A few minor, unimportant World Nations have, and surprisingly, it seems to work.

This is where the populace selects wise and capable leaders.  They tell them what they want their country to look and act like.  They trust their elected officials to deal with the BIG moral issues, like assault, theft, and murder.  They know that the legislature will enact laws to forbid certain acts and actions, and provide penalties for those who do.  That way there’s no need for a referendum for every moral decision.  The answer to the basis of right and wrong, is mutually-agreed-on enacted laws.

Sadly, far too many Good Christians fail to join in.  They clog up divorce courts, rehabilitation clinics, and prisons.  Per capita, there are ten times as many Christians in penitentiaries, than Atheists.  In States like California, Nevada, New Mexico, and Texas, every second inmate is named Jesus.

This then leaves individuals free to personally judge the finer moral points, like….  Should my bodily autonomy be violated, and I’m forced to carry a fetus to full term, if I’m told that I must, by a priest with no ovaries, or wife who has them??

Should I hate fags and homos, if ordered to do so by a priest/preacher who is raping altar boys??
Should I take marriage advice from an unmarried priest??
Should a priest (Who isn’t supposed to be having sex) be allowed to dictate how, when, how often, what position, whom I may – and may not – have sex with??

Why do you look at the mote that is thy brother’s eye, but do not see the plank that is in thine own eye?  👿

A Lot Of Comedy

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.  A man leans over to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead.” The woman replies.
The man stands, says the word ‘Plethora,’ and sits down.
“Thanks.” the woman says, “That means a lot.”

***

I told my wife that I thought I’d taken too many sleeping pills.  She told me to have a few drinks, get some sleep, and not worry about it.

***

A woman is taking a shower.  There is a knock on the door.  “Who is it?”  “Blind man!”  So she opens the door.  “Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

***

I went to the track.  The horse I bet on was so slow that the jockey kept a diary of the trip.  The horse was so late getting home, that he tiptoed into the stable.

***

I was walking with my girlfriend, when some random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass!”  She was clearly annoyed, and demanded that I say something.  I turned around and said, “Thanx, I’ve been doing squats.”

***

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” ~Will Rogers

***

The little girl came home from kindergarten, and excitedly told her mother, “Mom, we’ve got a Three-D printer at school.”
Her Mother said, “That’s nice.  What are you guys going to print?”
The daughter looked at her incredulously, and replied, “Three D’s”

***

A man and a boy are sitting on a couch.  The boy says, “Well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.”

***

A woman’s husband didn’t come home one night. The wife asks him where the hell he’d been. He says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and to sleep at the mate’s place.

She thinks he’s been unfaithful to her, so rings ten of his best friends.
Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

***

Questioning Christian

He’s only been on WordPress for a month.  His blog-site is definitely Christian, and he has found a bunch that definitely aren’t, so he came up with Five Questions For Non-Believers – how original.  Actually, it was Five Questions for…. You Know.  Wouldn’t say Shit if he had a mouthful, and apparently can’t even type the word Atheist.

1.  Would you say you are Convinced that God or gods do not exist, or simply that you don’t Believe that they do? (Two very different statements. The first applies to Knowledge, the second only to Belief)

1. Yes, to both. I have never been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence to cause belief. I am convinced that God/gods does not exist, in the same way, and to the same degree that I am convinced that fairies, genies, Bigfoot, unicorns and the Loch Ness monster do not exist.  I can not offer Absolute Proof, because a negative cannot be proved, and there is no Absolute proof of anything.

I  usually refrain from admitting that, because some smart-ass Apologist will spin it, use it as a wedge, and claim that I actually know that God exists, and have a little bit of belief.  No, I don’t!!

2. We’re you ever at one time in your life a Believer in God or Gods, and if so… which one or ones? (Mind you, I’m not asking at this time why you left, just did you previously Believe)

2.(Were – not We’re) No! Even 6 and 7 years old in Sunday school, and later in church, I heard pretty stories, but the ones that began, In the beginning sounded just like the ones that started, “Once upon a time.” It wasn’t till I became an adult that I was surprised to find that most others took them seriously.

3. Have you ever had any Experiences that might be described as “spiritual” or “supernatural” that others might see as “experiences with God”? And if so, what did you think of them at the time… and what do you think of them Now? (I apologize for the “3 in 1”. They seem linked to the same question, yes?)

3. No. In a naturalistic universe, I don’t even know how anyone could demonstrate or prove anything Supernatural. Spiritual is a word with too many definitions, and no real meaning.  Most such experiences can be shown to be neurological, or hormonally induced.  Even those that can’t are not justified in having “God” shoehorned in as an explanation.

4. How do you view those who do Believe in God or gods? Are they ‘brainwashed’, ‘stupid’ or just wrong? (I know the first two are ‘loaded’, but I’m looking for your mindset as well as what you perceive ours to be)

4. The more rabid the believer, the more likely they are ruled by desperation and egotism – the belief that they are so important in the cosmic scheme of things that they will not just wink out when it’s all over. It’s the constant fear of inevitable, inescapable, impending death.

“Brainwashed” is a loaded term, but Sunday schools do a great job of constant mental conditioning of impressionable children.  Very intelligent people believe many incorrect, unprovable things – and not all of it is religion.  It is far easier to convince someone of something, than it is to convince them that they are in error about it.  I don’t regard them as “wrong,” but, despite many requests, I still have not been shown proof that they are right.

5. What Evidence or Experience or Arguments would lead you to believe in God or gods generally… or Christianity specifically… if any? (Mind you, I’m not asking “Why you don’t believe”. I’m asking what would lead you to Believe)

5. The correct answer is, “I don’t know.” Arthur C. Clarke said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The Christian God – the God of the Bible – suffers from so many definitional contradictions as to be impossible.  Were He to exist, He would be an immoral asshole.  Richard Dawkins had 14 rather scathing adjectives for Him.  If He exists, He knows exactly what it would take to convince me that He exists.  Since He has failed to present such evidence for over 2000 years, either He does not exist – or – He is far less concerned with my acceptance of your claims than people like you are.  😯

’22 A To Z Challenge – X

Really, officer, this is all just a big mistake!
I wasn’t even in Ponoka, Alberta on April 17^th.

The X word for this year’s challenge is

XERXES

I dunno what it means….
(It’s sliced ground-lamb loaf in a pita, with grape leaves and yoghurt – isn’t it?)

It’s just an X-cuse to tell you about sofree.ca – The Society of Freethinkers – who I occasionally join for a Sunday brunch.  The very name irritates some Christian Apologists.

They just call themselves Free Thinkers so they don’t have to say that they’re Atheists, and can’t prove that God doesn’t exist.

They’re not really Free Thinkers ‘cause they refuse to think about the possibility that God really exists.

Most, if not all, Free Thinkers are Atheists; but even so, they don’t have to prove that God doesn’t exist.  The burden of proof is on the Theists.  If they claim that God exists, they need to show some evidence to back up their beliefs and claims.

The Society is not an Atheist group, as such.  Its thrust is to ensure that they and others are free to think and believe as they see fit.  It lobbies for separation of Church and State.  They want to end Christian-only prayers at football games between school teams which include Muslims, Jews, Atheists, and others.

They would like Christian prayers at city councils, Provincial government, and Federal Parliament ended.  Already, one female American lawmaker has attempted a bill which would require a sworn oath of Christian affiliation for government employees – in direct contravention of the Constitution.

As for the claim about the refusal to admit the possibility of God’s existence – most have considered it deeply…. for years, and have found the likelihood to be so slim as to dismiss it unless and until convincing evidence is presented.

Both I and this blog-post are now X-hausted.  Today is Family Day in Ontario, so the old, retired guy with no job gets a day of rest.  😀

The Long And Winding Road

It was ten years ago today – November 21, 2011 – that I burst upon the wide and welcoming WordPress landscape.  I immediately began spewing forth bullshit to fertilize the fields, and bring in crops of creativity, contentment and controversy.

A WHOLE TEN YEARS?

IT’S BEEN AN ENTIRE DECADE?

I can’t possibly know all two million WordPress participants, but of the popular, well-known blog-sites of ten years ago, faint few are still posting.  AFrankAngle has ceased his social/political observations, and in his retirement, has re-invented himself as Beach Walk Reflections, offering more philosophical meditations.

Like me, although more lucidly, the Coastal Crone is still pumping out rants and rambles on a wide variety of interesting subjects.  After you’re finished reading my work, you might have a look at each of them.

While my blogging was to be a way to occupy my time in retirement, and give me a chance to be creative and tell my little stories, I have treated it as at least a part-time job.  With no-one to answer to but me, I still work hard to guarantee that scheduled posts are ready and published on time.  While I treasure my visitors, I still also do this very much for me, to keep me organized and thinking clearly.

Other than a few, extra, bonus posts like this, I long ago settled into a steady three-a-week, Monday/Wednesday/Friday publishing schedule.  Tallying it up, it means that this is my 1475^th post.  I recently turned 77.  With good genes, and increasing medical support, I hope to still be doing this in another ten years.  I look forward to be still attracting someone’s attention.

As I threaten, at the top, I offer rants and rambles about many things.  I have provided history, humor, insights into language development, politics, religion, and some peeks into growing up in both a small town, and one that is crammed with big-city summer residents.

As The Beatles say, it’s been The Long and Winding Road, and I have enjoyed every twisted mile of it.   A big shout-out and thanx to all my visitors, both past and future.  Excelsior!!

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! You registered on WordPress.com 10 years ago. Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

Flash Fiction #267

PHOTO PROMPT © Jennifer Pendergast

WHY IS A MOUSE WHEN IT SPINS?

Please ensure mind is in motion before engaging mouth.

I’m tryin’ to think, but nuthin’s happenin’!

Did I actually have my shit together in my youth, and only now is it coming unravelled quicker than a knitted sock the cat found?

Or was I always this spun, and I have just finally achieved clarity?

Old age is like waking from an epic drunk, on someone else’s couch.  It takes at least an hour for reality to come into sharp focus.

Do not operate heavy any equipment while under the influence.  Squirrel-brain is normal.  Afternoon naps are a proven effective treatment.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Straight Arrow

My wife, bless her heart, is a linear thinker. I mean a, A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. linear thinker.

If we’re watching Poirot, or Miss Marple, or reruns of Columbo or Murder She Wrote, while my active and vivid imagination is distracted by red herrings, plot twists, or character development, her Laser mind points directly at the culprit.

It wasn’t the butler. It was the illegitimate son of the maid, from an affair with the Master. And she’s right 90% of the time. However…. She has trouble getting off the paved road. She reads romance novels. Several times I have heard her complain about the dénouement of a book. The story will come to a stop at a particular juncture, and it’s up to the reader to decide whether the hero will come back and marry the girl, or if he will ride off into the sunset. She gets quite upset. Enquiring minds (like hers) need to know!

It’s not that she has no sense of humor. It’s just that she is not friends with puns or word-play. My father used to describe a damp day by saying, “It tried to rain, but it missed (mist).” She occasionally repeats (?) this as, “It tried to rain, but it misted.” Literal! Literal! Literal!

My darling old Mother, who wouldn’t say ‘Shit’ if she had a mouthful, would comment about someone farting, by saying, “(That’s)Better out, than one of your eyes.” Like bread upon the waters, this one comes back as, “It’s better out that way, than out one of your eyes.” 😕 🙄

She has discovered a YouTube file that plays over 2 hours of mostly pop songs, but one of them is the old Meat Loaf song, ‘I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That). “What is it that he won’t do?? He keeps saying that he won’t do That, but he never says what That is. If she’d just shut up and stop obsessing, she’d find out. The song, like a sentence in German with the verb at the end, is constructed. After 4 minutes of him yowling that he won’t do that, his woman cuts in, and starts singing about him being a star, and rich and famous, and how he will use it ‘to go screwing around.’ The song ends with him assuring her, “But I won’t do that.”

She likes the singer, Ed Sheeran, and watches many of his music videos. One of them has her baffled. In the video for a song called Shape of You, Sheeran is in training as a boxer – jab, jab, punch, punch. He is assisted by a curvaceous young female, who even teaches him some dance steps to aid his footwork.

She returns to her locker, finds and reads a note, stuffs some things in her bag, and leaves. Perhaps the wife hoped for some romantic entanglement. From the first time she watched it, every time, she complains, “It doesn’t make sense. Why does she leave?” Doesn’t make sense??! These are music videos – one of them, Radioactive, shows Mexican cockfighting…. with Muppets. They’re not supposed to make sense.

It might be that, in today’s #MeToo society, the song keeps insisting that he’s in love with her body – the Shape of You. No mention of her smile, her intellect, her wit and humor, her kind and supportive nature – just her body.

Always trying to be helpful, I suggested that maybe she had to go home to make supper for her husband…. or perhaps she had to go home to make supper for her wife. Don’t ask – don’t tell. Still, every time, the question was repeated. “It doesn’t make sense. Why does she leave?”

As the video progresses, Sheeran leaves the training room, and enters a fight venue – to be faced with a Sumo wrestler. 😕 He engages the Sumo giant, wearing one of those ridiculous, inflatable Sumo costumes, and gets splatted to the floor. Apparently this all makes sense to the wife, and she unquestioningly accepts it.

To finally put us all out of our misery, the son told her that the note was from Sheeran’s fight manager, telling the eye-candy that she was a distraction to his training, and to keep away…. only, she shows up at the end, and knocks the Sumo guy down with a Kung Fu drop-kick. Out of the wife’s earshot, the son admitted that his explanation was highly unlikely, but it pacified her, and we all lived happily (and quietly) ever after.

Linear thinkers are useful, and quite productive, although they can be a little dismaying. Are you a linear thinker? My own thought processes can be like a tornado aftermath.

Halloween In A Graveyard

I once got the chance to patrol a graveyard on a Halloween night.  I know, I know!  The excitement!  The prestige!  Where do I go to apply for a keen job like that?  Sadly, the unemployment office.

When an unethical manager had pulled the cube-drone carpet out from underneath me, I had found temporary employment with a security-guard company.  They had placed me at a St. Joseph’s Hospital as a glorified ‘Lollipop Lady’ crossing guard.  I didn’t even get to wear an orange, don’t-run-me-down vest.

The hospital had two, parallel, one-way driveways down one side.  Traffic came in on one, swung around past Receiving and the kitchens, and exited on the other.  Work on water mains had them alternatively dug up for about a week.

We stationed a guard at the front and the back, with portable radios.  If a vehicle came in, the guard at the back held any outgoing traffic until the single lane was clear, and vice versa.  Out of sight of any street traffic, the guard at the back could rest in a lawn chair until called.  We alternated every hour….until the Mother Superior looked out the window, and decided that that wasn’t fair, and decreed that no-one could rest.

It was especially busy late in the morning, because they had a Meals On Wheels program.  Civilian volunteers picked up a few meals each and delivered them.  We wouldn’t want them smashing into each other, and spilling all that delicious hospital food.

As Halloween approached, and I still hadn’t found suitable employment, the scheduler asked me if I would consider patrolling a graveyard, from 6PM till 2AM that night to prevent any vandalism or skullduggery.

The hospital sat in the middle of a long stretch of main road that didn’t have any cross-streets.  The Catholic cemetery behind the hospital (where the doctors buried their mistakes) extended back to the next road.  Two pedestrian-access walkways converged through it in a V, toward the hospital.

Another guard and I followed each other around the block-long legs of the triangle.  It never occurred to us to patrol in opposite directions, to stop and talk, and compare notes occasionally.  All went well for the first couple of hours – until the sun set.

That’s when we discovered that there were no street lights on the adjoining road, no light-posts within the cemetery, and no lights between the hospital and the cemetery.  It was a typical cloudy Halloween night…. it was pitch-black DARK back there, and nobody thought to give us flashlights.

At about 9:30, I had emerged from one of the exits, and was walking toward the other, when I saw three 15/16-year-old males enter ahead of me.  While it was light, I had found a two-foot piece of 1½ inch PVC electrical conduit on the path – a tripping hazard, especially in the dark, so I picked it up, and was carrying it, just in case.

I could hear them walking, and conversing, a hundred feet ahead of me in the Stygian gloom, although I couldn’t make out the words.  Then it got quiet.  Often, that’s not a good thing.  Suddenly, something smacked into the gravestone beside me.  Something whizzed past my ear.  Something struck the grass beside me!  Holy Crap, those little f**kers are throwing things at me.

I ducked behind a nearby gravestone, and the barrage continued.  Something bounced off the gravestone beside me.  I felt around in the dark, and found a pulped crab apple.  CLANG!  That wasn’t a crab apple that hit my cover.  More crab apples, splat, whiz, then, another CLANG off the tombstone next to me.  The moon, through a slight rift in the clouds, revealed a sharp stone, as big as a golf ball.

What in Hell am I going to do??!  We don’t have our traffic-directing radios, and if this keeps up, my fellow-guard is going to walk around the corner any moment, right into the middle of this.

“It’s okay, Bobby.  You can come out now.  We won’t throw anything else at you.”  I’m not Bobby!  “Who the hell are you?”  I’m the security guard who’s supposed to keep you from damaging anything.  Are you idiots??!  Throwing crab apples is dangerous enough, but throwing rocks at someone you can’t see, or identify – in the dark….  You could blind or kill someone!  “Sorry, we didn’t think.”  Said every teenage boy ever, just before he qualified for the Darwin Award.

Patrolling a graveyard on Halloween is an…. interesting task.  Ghosts and ghouls don’t exist, so they’re no problem.  It’s the live ones who cause all the troubles.  😯

Happy Halloween!  Trick or Treat.  😀