Pensitivity101 may be worried that, if she puts up an electrified fence or landmines, she might injure a dog. She sent me the following list of prompts to lie, by special courier, in a Hazardous Waste container.
- Why is St. Valentine’s Day observed on February 14th?
Because it comes right before Family Day on Feb. 15th and there’s nothing that causes more families than all that romantic snuggling the day before.
- According to legend, what is supposed to happen if a groundhog sees his shadow on February 2nd?
That means that Russia has invaded the Ukraine, and somebody has set off a nuke. Anyone inside the radiation radius only has a few days till their hair falls out. The guys decide to eat, drink, and make merry Mary, but Mary got mad and went home, so they jumped for Joy, and she left too.
- Whether you call it Mardi Gras or Pancake Day, what is the day after “Fat Tuesday” called?
It is named Contest Day, when my wife and the Catholic Church strive to see who can take away more of my life’s enjoyments.
The young couple got married, drove to Niagara Falls, and registered at a honeymoon hotel. They peeled off their clothes and tumbled into bed – where he rolled away from her, and seemed ready to go to sleep. She said, “Honey, we just got married. Aren’t we going to have sex??” He replied, “I can’t. It’s Lent.” She said, “To who??! And for how long?”
- What does Presidents Day commemorate?
The fact that great past leaders have become less important and memorable than sales on sheets, pillowcases and blankets at Bed, Bath and Beyond. We have nothing to fear but…. that Wal-Mart may price-match. Ask not what your country can do for you…. besides providing 200 thread-count Percale sheets and eider comforters.
- What is the story of Beauty & the Beast about really?
It’s about two acts too long – really! It’s part of a series of psychological conditioning books that prepare you for the Bible. The Sleeping Beauty story gets you to accept the idea of the Magic Apple. If you believe in talking dishes and lamps in this tale, you’re ready to believe in talking snakes and donkeys, and a loud, obnoxious dictator character with anger-management problems, who holds people against their will and torments them, but He will love them…. If only they obey and love Him first.
- What allows Peter Pan to fly?
It’s not the FAA, the TSA, or Strategic Air Command. They only let Santa Claus invade airspace. I think that it might be the amount of meth that he tweaks, and the fact that he won’t stay in rehab. …and you see fairies, and pirates, and crocodiles, and alarm clocks??! Sure you do! Here, try on this special jacket while we try to get you officially committed.
- Why did the princess kiss the frog?
She thought that doing it a second time might get rid of those genital warts. 😳
- What is Pinocchio about?
After Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast, it’s the third in the series of children’s mental formative books. Thou shalt be forever manipulated by an invisible string-puller, and…. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not covet. Thou shalt obey Big Brother – even when he is Father O’Grady.
- Why did Little Boy Blue need to blow his horn?
Because the inattentive idiot ahead of him was texting while driving, and got so distracted that he failed to move when the traffic-light went green. It didn’t work, so Little Boy Blue called his dad, the Man In Blue, who rushed over, wailed his siren, and gave the Facebook updater two $300 tickets for obstructing traffic, and unsafe operation.
- Why did Jack and Jill go up the hill?
Supposedly, to fetch a pail of water – but water runs downhill – you’d fetch it from the bottom. I think that it was so that they could book a room with cash in the No-Tell Motel, which is right next to The Stag Shop, where they picked up some edible panties, K-Y lubricant, and a couple of Adult Toys. 😯