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Fibbing Friday Babes

 

Last week Pensitivity101’s theme was Out of the Mouths of Babes.

You might be familiar with them, but if you didn’t know what they were, what are your thoughts?

1. What is a Moo Moo?

It is a billowing, figure-concealing, caftan-like dress worn by women who get married, and don’t want to attract the wrong kind of attention any more.

2. What is a Bow Wow?

That’s when an amply-endowed female performer with a low-cut top takes a curtain call.

3. What is a Gee Gee?

She’s the younger sister of the Bee Gees.

4. What is a Botty Cough?

The wife said that she’d been sitting, knitting, in her chair so long that her ass fell asleep.  I said, “I know.  I heard it snore three times.”

5. What is a Chookie Egg?

There are two kinds of people
1: Those who can extrapolate from insufficient data

This is an IKEA joke.  Some self-assembly is required, or it falls flat.

6. What is a Choo Choo?

Oh, that’s right!  You haven’t seen me at an all-you-can-eat buffet.  People who don’t watch closely think that I absorb the food through osmosis.

7. What is a Tick Tock?

Someone once said that rap music was so that Negroes with otherwise no talent, could make outrageous amounts of money.  Tick-Tock is its recent technological successor.  People with otherwise no intelligence – who make the Kardashians look smart and talented – post short videos of things that they do, on the internet.  They would give their soul – if they had one – for a handful of likes and follows.

8. What is a Paw Paw?

An adopted child – with two dads.  Don’t ask.  Don’t tell.

9. What is a Heffalump?

Dat vas me, ven ein told mein doktar, “I heffalump on mein arm, und it hurts to salute.”  She told me to stay oudt of those places….  No, vait – das vas eine different joken.”

10. What are Jammies?

They were the five friends I hung out with in high school, who decided to form a band, (Two of them had never touched an instrument.) because The Beatles did, and made a skillion dollars, and five guys from the next town did, and got a few gigs at a cheap dance hall.  Someone once asked me what I played, and I replied, “The radio.”

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These Are Some Of My Favorite…. Oxymorons

I added the prefix Oxy to the word morons, because I don’t want some Cancel Culture Cowboy, astride a big, white Woke to come riding in.  I always appreciate a good post about English usage – and misusage – but the language has subtle nuances, and sometimes we are presented with false dichotomies.  Let the rant begin.

Assistant supervisor

No contradiction here!  Most organizations have more than one person in charge.  Some of them have more authority than others and require a helper to administrate it.

New tradition

How many times does it take to qualify as a tradition??  Even if this is the first time, it is hoped and planned that this new Tradition will continue.

Original copy

The valuable, irreplaceable “original” is locked in a safe.  This is the authorized first copy, from which all other copies must be made, to prevent photocopy smudging.

Plastic glass

Several things are identified as (a) glass, including a magnifying glass, a mirror, and a drinking container.  All of them were originally made of glass, but technology marches on, and we need an adjective to point out the difference.

Uninvited guest

One does not require an invitation to become a guest.  If you allow an unexpected person into your home/wedding reception, they are your guest.

Highly depressed

As opposed to ‘mildly depressed.’  There is no disagreement here.  One word does not relate to the other.

Live Recording

For all the pirates who download digital copies of digital copies, of digital copies, this tape was made in a studio, when the artist(s) was there.

Authentic reproduction

This has to do with sales, and copyrights.  It is not the original, but it is produced by a licensed, authorized agent.

Partial ceasefire

Some do!  Some don’t!  There is less gunfire now than there was previously – partial, not total – what’s your problem??

Limited lifetime guarantee

Better expressed as Lifetime limited guarantee, the limits are on what is guaranteed, not the lifetime.

Elevated subway

When I go to downtown Toronto, I usually park at a mall, way out in the suburbs.  I take an escalator up 20 feet, and board a train which, within a block, plunges underground – an elevated subway.

Dry lake

It once had water.  It may again someday.  Lake:  a body of water, or something resembling it  Like a ‘damn lake’ instead of a ‘damned lake,’ a Dry lake is clearer vernacular than a Dried (or dried-up) lake.

True replica

See ‘Authentic Reproduction,’ above – it’s a “real fake!”

Forward lateral

The movement of something – usually a football – sideways, which unintentionally also results in forbidden forward movement.  Football rules cover it.  No need to throw a language flag also.

Standard options

Standard options are paint color and cup-holders.  Non-standard options include a xylophone, and ’60’s shag carpet.  They are available, with special orders and extra charges.

Old news

It was NEWs when we first heard it.  Now it’s just vernacular to indicate that we’ve heard it all before.

Small crowd

How many does it take to be a crowd??!  A tight group of 20 is certainly a smaller crowd than 2000.

Free gift

If it’s not free, then undoubtedly, it’s not a gift.  This is just redundant hyperbole marketing ad-speak.  Get used to it.  They lie to us all the time.  😳

Completely surround

Again, not an oxy, you moron.  This is an emphasis, guaranteeing no leakages.

Most unique

Every strangely-garbed, potential contestant on “Let’s Make A Deal” is unique – one-of-a-kind – but the guy in the full scuba suit, with the inverted ice cream cone smashed down on his head, is least like any of the others – Most unique!

Now that I’ve picked a bushel of nits, I think I’ll fry them in garlic butter, and serve them with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti.

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In The Mood For One-Liners

I’m not saying that my wife is moody, but….
….she could start a fight in an empty house.

When she speaks….
….you never run out of things to listen to.

I sabotaged an origami contest….
….The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

Being Canadian is never having to apologize….
….for saying you’re sorry.

If you don’t take the time to pack your parachute properly….
….you’re jumping to a hasty conclusion.

The entire world sucks….
….If it didn’t, we’d all fall off….
….People don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing….
….over the glass of water, I drank it, The Opportunist.

I contracted mood poisoning….
….must be something I hate.

The Bible verse I love….
….Lunch: 11:30

What exercise program do you use to get The Body of Christ?….
….CrossFit.  Nailed it!

My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night….
….Nearly took my eye out.

I told myself that I should stop drinking….
….but I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I went to the worst faith healer ever yesterday….
….He was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

My dermatologist friend….
….started his career from scratch.

I got kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club….
….I didn’t see that coming.

Why did the Vegan cross the road?….
….To tell someone that he was a Vegan.

Google Translate – Thoughts and prayers….
….= I don’t give a fuck.

My new year’s resolution is to read more….
…. So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

Ideas for getting more exercise this year….
….Move the cookies.  Buy a heavier kettle.

Fold your worries into paper airplanes….
….Turn them into flying fucks.

I went to a costume party at a bar, dressed as a tennis ball….
….I got served.

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Coloured Fibbing Friday

 

Lasts week Pensitivity101’s theme was “Colour Me Surprised”.
What are your thoughts or suggestions on these please?

1. Who do you associate with ‘green fingers’?

Me, eating guacamole dip

2. Who or what was the Red Baron?

He/they are the owner of a dairy farm, with a herd of red cows that give strawberry-flavored milk, sold to the likes of McDonalds and Dairy Queen.

3. What was the significance of yellow ribbons around oak trees?

It reminds you of where you abandoned your car at last night’s bush party.

4. Why did Alice follow the White Rabbit?

To see if the rabbit died.  😮

5. Who was The Black Knight?

James Earl Jones!  Did you see him handle a light-saber in the Star Wars movies??!  He was the knight that no-one expected – Sir Prise.

6. What is a Blue Moon?

It’s what you get if you hang your butt out a car window on a cold day.

7. Do brown cows produce chocolate milk?

Yes!  And red cows produce strawberry milkshakes.

8. Why was the Pink Panther pink?

He just realized that he wasn’t wearing trousers.

9. Why are pandas black and white?

They were all born before colour movies were invented.

10. What is a Silver Shadow?

It’s the one that Elon Musk casts.  It’s actually platinum, but he doesn’t want to brag.

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’24 A To Z Challenge – C

As the housewife said to the kettle, when she saw that it had boiled dry….

O I C U R MT

Once upon a time, the definition of “Dictionary”, in the dictionary, was not “Dictionary.”  Despite three similar but different religions – Greek, Eastern Orthodox (Russian), and Roman – using it to identify themselves, the word Catholic means universal in extent; involving all; of interest to all.

Five Hundred years or more ago, The (Roman) Catholic Church compiled definitions and meanings of ALL the words and phrases – at least all the Holy, Religious ones – let the peasant rabble speak what vernacular they wished.  Since all the important meanings were included, they called it The

CATHOLICON

It was more than a mere book, or single volume.  Copies of it consisted of small libraries.  Like Samuel Johnson’s later Dictionary, social, political, and religious commentary was added to the meanings.  Johnson’s definition of Oats was, a cereal grass, which in England feeds horses, but in Scotland, it feeds the men.  An English baron exclaimed, “But what horses!  And what men!

What I’m going to do is Decide on a suitable word choice for the letter D.  I would be de-lighted (placed in the dark) if one of my readers made a suggestion.  D-cells?  D-cups??!  Defenestrate??  No, that one’s out the window.  😉

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I (Heart) Modern Medicine

Congratulate me, everyone.  I am the proud papa of a bouncing baby angina.

Increasingly, over the past month, I have noticed that, following any small amount of vigorous exercise, I got a feeling of constriction in my chest, and a strong ache, right up into my throat, causing a gag reflex a couple of times.  My Osteopath felt it might be cramping muscles, or jammed ribs, from poor posture while I read in my easy chair, but she (strongly) suggested that I contact my doctor.

It was well that she did.  I went home and called late in the afternoon.  As soon as I spoke the two magic words – Chest Pains – Shit Happened!  I got an appointment at 11 AM the next morning.  When I described my symptoms, she told me that I have a case of Angina Pectoris.

Since angina is caused by a clogged artery, she immediately prescribed a cholesterol medication to be added to my list.  She wanted blood and urine tests.  I wanted to use a lab near my house, but she insisted on a branch in her medical building before I even left.  On my way out, her assistant told me that she’d booked me for a bone-density test at the hospital.  The doctor referred me to the Cardiology Associates there, also.

The next day, my Ophthalmologist called, and wanted me to come to her office to measure my eye for the new lens that she’s going to insert.  She knew this when I was there a month ago.  Why didn’t she do that then??!  It entailed a 20-minute drive across town, for a 5-minute procedure, and then a 20-minute drive home.  I’m scheduled for surgery at 7 AM, April 30th, so wish me luck tomorrow.  To prepare, I received three different eye-drop medications – one to begin two days before the operation and the others to continue a week – and 4 weeks – after.

MD says that angina is medically considered “Normal, Acute, or Emergency.”  I’ve gone from normal, to acute.  She said that, as acute, even with her referral, it could take two – three – even four months to be seen.  She said that, if I have a bad attack, to immediately go to Emergency.  It’s caused by over-exertion.  I have found that sitting and taking deep breaths makes it disappear.  I don’t want to drive, even if the son didn’t have the car at work, and it would be gone by the time I arrived.

She told me, to shortcut the wait, to go to Emergency at 6:00/6:30 AM, tell the triage nurse that I’d had an attack, that my doctor wants me to be given a stress test and evaluated.  The new crew comes on-duty at 7.  Take a friend, a couple of books, and some food and drink.  The wait could be ten or twelve hours – but I’ll be seen and assessed that day.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular option.  Medically, I’ve become – and will remain – Busy, Busy, Busy!
Busy
Stayin’ Alive!
Stayin’ Alive!

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Because of the surgery, this week’s Wednesday post may be on Thursday.  😀

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Fibbing Friday’s Shot

 

Here is Pensitivity101’s final selection chosen from the site put forward by Archon’s Den.
Give ’em your best shot please!

1. Sardoodledom

This is the art of making toy cars for your kids, using empty smoked-fish tins.

2. Callithumpian

This is Donald Trump’s presidential campaign on the west coast.

3. Turdiform

Is the Poop-N-Scoop citation you receive for not picking up after your dog in the park.

4. Persiflage

This is speed-reading a novel, instead of slowly savoring it for body and nuance.

5. Palpebrous

This describes the guy who, singlehandedly, caused the beginning of the Feminist movement.  His real name was (Leonard) Lennie, but all the women called him Hans.  He slid his fingers up one gal’s skirt, and she exclaimed, “Heavens above.”  He replied, “I know, love.  I’ll be there soon enough.”

6. Chary

Chary is the Latin word for the horse – or one of a team – that pulled the two-wheeled chariots.

7. Malapert

Malapert was Madame Malaprop’s husband.

8. Dowsabel

Dowsabel is a small fire, which you can put out yourself, by just throwing a glass of water on it.

9. Maquillage

Maquillage is the French word for Makeup, and the French make up stuff all the time.  They pretend that ditch gleanings like frogs’ legs and snails, are not only food, but gourmet food – must be all the wine.  Napoleon’s invasion campaign was not about territory or political power.  He was just trying to get some nice German strudel, and Russian latkes.

10. Dysania

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.  It’s said that insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting to get different results.  Dysania is when you do the same thing, especially at work, and get different results.
This is not a real job.
If this were a real job, you could expect pay rises, bonuses, and personal approbation.

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Cosmic Justice

A woman told Matt Dillahunty, “I believe in the Christian God, because I don’t want to live in a world where those with power impose their evil intent on the masses and not face any type of consequence.  Without God, people can easily escape human justice.”

Dillahunty replied:  I don’t buy into that.  She also raised the point that someone had mentioned pedophile priests, and being a pedophile is immoral, but they can escape from human justice, therefore, God’s justice is eventually gonna get them.

“What kind of world do you live in, if this is your principal objection to world views that don’t include some cosmic justice in them??  If you’ll excuse the condescending remark, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’  Life isn’t fair, and the desire for justice that you talk about, is one of the key foundations of most every religion.

We’re all aware that sometimes Good goes unrewarded, and Evil goes unpunished, so some justice-seekers invent a security blanket to insure that they aren’t mired in depression.  It allows them to avoid facing the harshness of an indifferent reality, whether it’s Heaven, or Hell, or Karma, dictating infinite rebirths.  It serves the same purpose.

Some of us realize that there’s no good reason to believe that the Universe is anything other than indifferent to our existence and our perceptions of good and evil, and that dealing with Reality on Reality’s terms is the only way to make any real improvement in the situation.

Life isn’t fair, and that’s actually comforting if you think about it.  If Life were fair, it would mean that you actually deserve the bad things that happen to you, and that those who benefit from evil deeds similarly deserve.  The knowledge that there is no reason to expect justice is the reason that we ensure that we impose justice.

The realization that good is not always rewarded, is what drives us to reward it when we see it.  The realization that evil is not always punished is what drives us to work together as a co-operative society to deal with our problems collectively and individually, in a way that drives real change, and minimizes harmful actions.

Realizing that justice is not guaranteed allows us to appreciate it when it happens, and work toward causing it to happen on a more regular basis.  Your particular God-view of justice represents the height of irresponsibility and injustice.  Your chosen religion has us born as reprobates, guilty before we’ve taken a single breath, responsible for things we’ve never done.  It offers instant, undeserved forgiveness for the most horrible of crimes, and punishes those whose only crime is disbelief, forever!

It advocates slavery, denigrates women, curses homosexuals, orders the stoning of unruly children, sanctions wars of extermination, condones human sacrifices, and poisons every mind it touches.  It includes only one unforgivable crime – disbelief.  Is that just??  This justice that you so admire is no such thing.  It is divine edict.  It’s arbitrary, capricious, and ultimately unjust and immoral.

Yes, I realize that there are pedophiles out there, who’ve escaped our flawed justice system.  Do you realize that your system says that they are all eligible for an eternal paradise??  How does that address your objection?  Under the rules of Christianity, the pedophile who escapes justice here, can also escape your ultimate justice.  He may spend eternity in paradise, while someone who spent their entire life doing good, helping others, and contributing in a generally positive way to the one and only life that we’re sure to get, ultimately is judged unworthy of that reward.

Don’t kid yourself.  You haven’t accepted a comic sense of justice that alleviates the problem.  You’ve accepted one that you believe alleviates the problem –for you.  It is a selfish justification that shows no regard for real matters of justice.  It is the height of arrogance, and your desire to feel special, because somebody up there thinks you’re special.

Well, according to the paradigm you advocate, He thinks that anyone willing to worship him is special, with no regard to justice or character.  Go!  Read Romans.  No-one makes this point clearer than Paul.  The Law was established with full knowledge that no-one would be able to fulfill it.  It was established to demonstrate this inability, and damn us further – and then a loophole was created to allow some people through, regardless of their standing with The Law.

Your religion has made you a slave.  It has made you uncaring.  It has made you support immorality and injustice, while claiming that arbitrary edicts and loopholes count as either.  It is a reprehensible lie, that poisons the mind, and prevents you from understanding reality.  When the scales drop away from your eyes, as they have for many of us, we’ll be here, and you’ll realize that you’re not alone, and not to blame.

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I Can’t Bear The Humor

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

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Max and his wife Lola received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study Modern Biochemistry overseas:

She wrote: My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. Please, take only a drop.
Goodbye I love you!”

They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.

Max looked at his wife and said. “You go first.”

Lola took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Max immediately did the same.

Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother, she is younger and happier and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.

“Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don’t listen! He drank the whole bottle.”

“Whaaat! Where is he?”

“Who do you think is on my back?”

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You thought that the last couple of jokes were bad??  Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse than the last two, combined.

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Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies, ”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

***

A group of engineering professors are all offered a free trip to Hawaii and are aboard the plane about to depart when the pilot announces, “This trip is a gift from all your grateful students over the years, students who, by the way, built this very plane you’re about to fly in.”

The professors immediately panic and make a break for the exits, all save one who sits calmly in their seat.

“Are you crazy?” another professor asks them. “Didn’t you hear that our students built this plane?”

“What are you all even worried about?” came the reply. “It’s not like this thing is going to fly!”

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Fibbing Friday Cookies

Here’s a second batch of words from Pensitivity101’s blogging colleague Archon’s Den suggested site.
What would you say these mean?

1. Accismus

It’s a mathematical term to describe other people’s relative value to you.  An oil-rich Indian chief in early 20th Century Oklahoma could afford three wives.  To the two plain wives, he gave each a bison pelt.  To his special pretty wife, he gave an exotic animal skin from Africa.  The two bison-wives each had one child, but his favorite birthed twins….  So, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

2. Apocryphal

This is an Engineering nerd, with a stereotypical pocket protector, and a pronunciation problem.  When he takes that little plastic sleeping bag-thing, and fills it with three pens with different-coloured ink, a well-sharpened #2 Venus wooden pencil, a mechanical pencil, a fine-tip marker, a text Hi-Liter, and a somewhat antique, but still functional slide rule, and jams all that into his shirt, along with a Texas Instruments Scientific calculator, he really has apocryphal.

3. Bridewell

That’s where they found my great-uncle’s wife, after she became a Karen.  He said they started out with two hearts and a diamond, but he finally needed a club and a spade to deal with her.

4. Festinate

That’s what your finger will do, if you get a splinter, but don’t remove it soon enough.

5. Snool

This is the ego-soaked, self-important president of my local HOA Committee – a true legend in his own mind.  He has more rules than a Stanley tape-measure factory.

6. Rendling

This is how you tear apart a Costco roast chicken to consume it.  The wife saw me do it, and asked, “Are you going to eat that entire thing all alone?”  I replied, “No, I’m going to have some French fries with it.”

7. Fanfaronade

I noticed on my way home, that a budding capitalist kid on my street has a drink stand on the sidewalk.  I would appreciate a citrus beverage, and would like to help his enterprise, but he’s Wwwaaayyy… up the block.  Maybe I could get Uber-Eats to pick it up for me.

8. Bloviate

After eating most of a gourmet pizza last night, with cauliflower, capers, red onions, pineapple, and anchovies, I rolled out of bed this morning –literally – with a distended abdomen that looked like the fat guy in the Monty Python skit.  I raced to the hospital, and while the ER doctor is fetching the special catheter to release all my gas, I’m using my tablet to look up “Flummery.”

9. Pudibund

Three things don’t lie, drunks, small children – and yoga pants.  This is also known as camel toe.

10. Rebarbative

Porcupine quills are like tiny one-way arrows.  They go in, but you can’t get them out.  Take your dog to a strong veterinarian with pliers.  Let it hate him.